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Its a Mad Mad Mad Mad Day

26.08.01 @ 22:23
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Sometimes I really have to wonder about myself. I have been in royal bitch mode major all day. I appologized to Warren tonight. I have just been so grouchy and just feeling so overwhelmed. I just want to be left alone. I feel like I am being pulled apart. Sometimes I am just so tired of being the adult. Then I feel guilty because Warren depends on me. I was working on the computr earlier for example, and Warren wanted me for something. Of course I respond with "WHAT ALREADY!!" after about four or five "in a minutes", between "Mom, come here, mom now". ARggg. I get most weekends alone, yet nothing ever gets done. The house looks trashed, I feel like crap, and things just appear to be spiraling downward. I usually can just set it aside and go play legos or help him with his project. But sometimes I just get soo tired of being the mommy. I love my son with all my heart, but sometimes the stress of the bills, and work, and Mike and my illness just add up to more than I can handle. Usually I can keep things under control and my meds help also. But how do I explain that to a child. I have tried telling him that just like he sometimes wants to be alone, sometimes moms need alone time also. I am not sure if he is understanding or not. He said I dont' need to be alone.

Today was also the day of our company picnic as it were. I really didn't want to go, but Warren had a great time last year and was very insistant. So of course I dragged us there. This year it sucked. Only a fourth of the people showed up. Every one was soo cliquey. Only W** my boss even bother to actually come over an really talk to us. The others all just sorta made nice. Then they had the drawing for prizes. They were so disorganized, and the kidswith water pistols were comming in and out and half the people weren't even in the shelter when they were drawing so they had to keep repeating things. And I dont' think it was very fair. Some people got a bunch of items, others just got a couple cheesy little things. Warren won a $10 gift certificate to Blockbuster and I got a $20 one. Not exactly bad. I looove Blockbuster. But I had my heart set on the cd player or the stereo or the DVD player. *Sigh. in My opinion it was almost like favorites to some extent. I hate it when people get all clicquey. But then I am also not in the best frame of mind to judge either. It was all I could do to keep from standing up and screaming at everyone. Thats how bad my mood was. I hope I am not starting to cycle I was in such a good mood in my last entry. Now I have an overwhelming urge to break something. I just feel like smashing something or screaming bloody murder. (neither of which would help endear me to the people in the neighborhood). I think part of my mood is because I have to go to court again on Friday, because of some check issues from back when I had a manic phase. Either that, or because the amount doesn't sound familiar, I am thinking maybe Mike wrote a check on my account, in which case I can nail his hide. Something I would love, but would totally destroy Warren. Ugh. Well this will just be an inital appearance, so that isn't so bad. I can get the details and hopefully clear things up. I feel like everytime I get a little bit up, someone pulls the rug a little bit out from under me.

Tommorrow is also Warren's first day back to school. He is a apprehensive, and none to thrilled, but I think this year will be much better. This year he won't have to deal with all the stress and fighting night after night like he did last year. Things are much more peaceful now. Well sorta.

I think I am going to end this entry right now. When I get in these moods I tend to get hyper pissy. I also have a tendency to open my mouth and say things that I wind up having to try and take back. So before I say something I shouldnt'as I tend to get very oppositional and have an overwhelming urge to argue with everything everyone says. Not the best way to make or keep friends, let me tell you.. Now if you will excuse me, please cover your ears. AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!AAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!The (very) Cranky One


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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.