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Masks of Me

02.09.01 @ 17:59
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Have you ever noticed the number of masks people wear. How often do you look at someone who you think you know and realize you have actually know idea what is going on in this persons head? How often is the face people see on you, actually nothing more than an disquise, pretending to be one thing, when the truth lies buried deeply underneath where it can be safely stored away from public view. I have a work mask, a home mask, a family mask. My son goes off to school, before he goes to his dads for the weekend. He is upset at me, because i packed his clotes in his backpack, where of all horrors his friends might see that he has underwear. (quite terrible to a 8 year old). he is mad and goes off angry as the bus comes before I can correct it. I wave good bye, prentending I am fine that he will not hug me good bye where people can see, I put on my mother mask, that says okay dear. Inside the real me is in pain. My ex talks to me and trys to play my strings, I wear my stone face mask, and dont let him in. Behind the mask the real me is trembling wishing to believe what I know to be a lie. it is barely able to keep him away. It is still raw and sore, but on the outside the only thing visible to the world is anger and rage. I go to work and deal with stupid people who annoy me with their total learned helplessness. My mask says oh thats okay, hear let me do it for you. The real me is seething, and says can't you figure anything out, read the damn manual or take a freaking course if you are going to offer the bloddy program. My co workers and boss try to suprise me with something nice for my birthday. My mask says thank you I really appreciate it. The real me behind the mask is looking for a desk to crawl under so I can hide from the puclic attention. (strange I shoiuld poor out on the internet huh, except here I can remain a face less screen on someones computer). My mom calls and starts in about this an that. My mask puts on a polite front and nods. The real me is feeling like a little 4 year old all over again, afraid to disrespect the woman who is supposed to take care of me. Sometimes I wish I could just rip off the mask, but what would they find underneath, would they even see, or would it scare them all away.

I am in a really wierd mood right now. Yesterday I wnet to Barnes and Noble and started reading. Next thing I knew it was 11 pm. Then I wnet to Blockbuster and rented some movies. I watched First Contact and Insurrection last night. (yes I am a closet Trekkie). Then I watched the rest of a Faces documentary with John Cleese that I taped from TLC. Then I finally went to sleep until about noon. I woke up. and watched soem tv and then watched What LIes Benneath. (the ghost story where Harrison Ford turns out to be what you least expect. It was creepy as heck, and has still nerved me out.). Right now I am starving. I have numerous chores to do but dont feel like doing anything. I think I will make some supper and watch my last movie, The Five Doctors. (Reads cover and realizes the guy who played Grand Moff Tarkin in SW, also played Dr. Who once in a movie. How cool is that?!!). I may come back later.

And who ever sent the no subject email from unknown source@unknownhost.. How dumb do you think I am. I deleted all three of them unopened.


The Cranky One


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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.