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If only murder were legal...

04.09.01 @ 20:41
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Right now Warren is sleeping. Either second grade is a lot harder than I remember it, or he had one Heck of a weekend at Dads. He was asleep on the floor when I came to pick him up at daycare, (or as I see it, Lilliput run amok). He fell asleep again in the car, and we got home he said he wanted to lay down and sleep some more, so I sent him upstairs to lay in bed. He has been there ever since. He didnt' even want supper. I just let him sleep. If he is this tired, he will only be extra cranky if I wake him up. He was so proud though. He had another perfect day, which meant he had enough points to get his teepee. (I should explain that he is in program, where his teachers all keep track of his behavior giving him a 1 2 or 3 for behavior, bad, so so and good. Each day they tally how many points he earned out of how many total he could have gotten. He has had perfect days since school started this year). He did so well, he had a goal for himself and he achieved it. He even had a 100 on his first spelling test.) He can't wait to set it up. It is only a model, but it has stakes and wooden cut outs adn everything to make a realistic minature of an authentic Native American Teepee, complete with pretend fire and Native American style decorations. He also has to free McDollars (good only at the Golden Arches). I can't tell him enough how proud I am of his behavior. Which brings me to my next issue for the week.

I drove all the f***** way to Rainbow Bridge to pick up Warren after his weekend at Dad's. I get there early and no one answers. So I go to my car for a while, then go back in. The worker is there, she lets me in and tells me Mike called and wants me to call him. So I call him back on her cell phone, (it was long distance and not my fault so..). I cal him. Guess who is late and still not back in town. God damn idiot. HE KNOWS WARREN HAS SCHOOL!! . By now it is almost freaking 8pm. I like to have Warren in Bed by 8:30 or he is crabby all day, especially if he has been camping all weekend. HE says they jsut got busy and lost track of time. BULL!! He is just trying to yank my chain some more, or see how far he can go. So I go all the way back home, with a side trip to DQ for a snicker blizzard. He is not there in an hour like he said. It was 10 O'freaking clock before he dropped Warren off. Then on top of it, WArren is filthy abd needs a bath. So by the time I get him bathed and tucked in and spend some required Mommy cuddling time with him its is 10:30 almost 11 pm. and I am alreay fumming. Then Warren blurts out, oh by the way, I might have a new Step Mommy.

Well as soon as I pulled my yapper off the carpet, I had to go ask Warren what he was talking about. He told me that Daddy has a new girlfriend, and it seems to be working out pretty good. (umm yeah okay, I wonder how long it will take her to come to her senses, or what he has been slipping her, aside from the obvious which is what got me caught in his web.). I tried my best not to give Warren the third degree. He doesnt' need that. But man do I have questions. Given the timing it also makes his last play, (I havent' been with anyone since you.) even more of a clear bald faced attempt at manipulation. Even after all this time he still gets to me like no one else and it buggs the fertilizer out of me. I also have a feeling SHE was the one who o so sweetly answered the phone when I had to call Mike.

Now here is the kicker. < I AM the one that kicked Mike out on his no good lazy drunked bumstead. I always said I didnt' care who or what he did, as long as it was not infront of Warren. I want nothing to do with him. Yet I can't get the thought of him out of my mind. I threw away 8 years of my life trying to make it work with him. I gave all I had and then gave more. He didnt' consider me the mother of his child worth cleaning up for, worth marrying (something I am now eternally grateful for), or worth treating with respect. Yet now less than a year later he has moved on , is working, (mainly cause of the child support and cause he has no one to support him now), and claims to be clean. Now he is talking the M word if gossip is to be believed. I don't know rather to ready the rice for throwing, or to shove it up his gas tank. This means the end is really the end. I still loved him some where inside of me. I guess some tiny part of me held out that he would clean up and come crawling back, even while the rest of me knew that was only a dream. Why is it, that I hanging on, when I was the first one to cut the strings. Why am I so damn upset over something I should be happy for. Even after I did what I knew was right, but ending our relationship, I was sick with guilt for weeks. Half of me wanted to torture him to death, and half of me just wanted him to hold me again. The dichotomy nearly ripped me to shreds, esp with all that was happening with Warren. Even now it makes me feel like crying. Apparently he saw me as one of those women who are only good till they are used up, then you throw them away. I guess now I really know what he thought of me. I always accused him of it, now I feel liek I have proof. I dont' begrudge his moving on with his life, well most of me doesnt', but at the same time, I don't want to see him happy. Its like after all that was done to me, why does he deserve to be happy. I don't want him back EVER, yet I don't want anyone else to have him either. I wanted to be the one to move on and rub his nose in it. Although I think Warrens 200% improvement with him out of the picture for most of the time, really says something about how I am clearly the better parent, the one who puts the childs needs first, not my own selfish desires. That is the story from the emotional side of my brain. The logical side says, he is going to do to her what he did to you. Just wait, I bet any time now he will move in and live off her so he doens't have to work. He wil find some flimsly excuse and if she (like I ) believes and puts up with it, he will have came home to roost agiain. Well I have news. If he thinks thats gonna fly then he also believes that Klingons are vegetarians. I will drag his ass into court so fast, he wont know how he got there. I dont want Warren in the middle. He deserves a father , a real father Sadly my judgement cursed him with a 40 year old teenager in search of a mother figure instead. After all I've been thru, its hard to beieve that deep down I still believe in romance and true love and the two parent family. But I am also realistic enough to know that the dream can easily turn in to a nightmare if one refuses to wake up when the signs are telling them that things are going wrong. I wish I could just crawl under the bed for a while. *sigh.


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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.