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Like Sands Through The Hourglass

2001-08-01 @ 9:12 p.m.
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"..Gloom despair and agony on me. If it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all.. gloom despair and agony on me.."

Can the howling hounddogs.. but well maybe my life isn't really that bad, but it sure feels like it right now. I feel like there is no middle ground anymore. Either I am bouncing off the walls with not a care in the world or I am so deep and dark I can't find the strength to get out of bed.. Today was one of those call in "sick" and take a stress flu/mental health day.. I told Wes I was throwing up and unable to leave the bathroom. That was only partially correct.. I was sick, but not from a flu bug, from my own stupidity and rotten luck.. Largely my own fault. I can't seem to deal with things till I have to, and that is usually right as the Sh** is about to hit the fan. I am tired of living my life from crisis to crisis.. I wish I could stop.. I feel like I am in such fear all the time.. I know I am ultimately responsible for my behavior. Mental illness is an explanation NOT an excuse.. (*I'm not even going to start on Andrea Yager the woman with Post Partum Psychosis who resisted help till she killed her kids. I hope she never sees the light of day. She should be in prison surrounded by pictures of her kids as a reminder of what she did because she didnt' get help..!! If her family who had to know how bad she was, when you are that bad it cannot be hidden could have gotten her help and 5 innocents would still be alive..I know where I speak as I have said many time I am bi polar. I admit it and I have help.. Not all of us are abusive.. many mentally ill people are quite functional and productive. but i digress agian.). I just need to work on facing life instead of hiding from it, in the hope that it will all go away.. I think part of this stems from my childhood. My parents were I guess best described as very over protective, and often did things for me so I never had to learn to do anything for myself.. I mean I had to help with dishes and mowing the lawn and such.. But if I needed money Dad almost always seemed to have it, unless he thought it was totally out of line, or didnt approve.. I never had a budget or had to learn to live with in a certain means.. whenever there was trouble they always bailed me out. .I dont remember ever being grounded and I know there were times I really should have been.. My folks loved me and were always there. But I always got the feeling they thought I wasn't capable and they had to take care of me or something.. I think that is part of why I have so much trouble now. I am still stuck in that somthing will always happen, it will work out, magical way of thinking.. Sometimes I feel like a 14 year old trapped in a 32 year old body.. Other times I feel like I am way older than 32.. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.. I love my son more than anyother human on Earth, and yet I always feel like I am never doing the right thing, like It will never be enough.. LIke his life is messed up and its all my fault.. I get mad at him out of proportion sometimes and then I feel even more guilty and wind up appologizing and we make up. but I feel like then I go overboard the other way and bounce back and forth.. I feel like I never am doing anything right.. So many conflicting ideas outthere. I come of as strong but inside I feel liek a frightened kitten, clawing and hissing at an unseen enemy.. I have no idea where or who I am.. What do I believe? what do I not believe? Sometimes I feel strong and sure, other times I have no idea which way is up.. or where I am facing.

I was calling all over town to come up with a payment on my mortgage so I can be on my way with the arrangements I made.. I have to make another payment at the end of the month. I have less than 50 bucks to my name and I just wrote a 150 check for daycare.. which will clear but put me in the red.. till my paycheck autodeposits. I also had to order new checks so that is another 23 bucks.. Mike better come thru with a child support check or we are gong to be living on macaroni and hamburger.. I have a 109 electricl bill a 67 phone bill and 40 for water sewer and garbage, and also 50 fine payment. That doesn't include the checks I need to pay off to keep people from comming after me.. spending is fun, takine responsibilty for ones manic phases is anything but fun.. I feel like crawling under the bed, but I have a son so I can't. Otherwise I would.. The way I feel right now, if I didnt' have the freckled faced redhead to anchor me I think I would consider somthing drastic.. (*note to those worring about me, send me all your prayers, but relax I would never actaully do any such thing, ti would devestate my family. I just feel that low..) I was talking to Sister Jane today about help for my mortgagte and when she asked if I was affiliated with a part church I told her the truth, that I was a member of St. Anthony but I havent' been to mass in ages.. I didn't go into details. as I really am in no possision to argue church doctrine with a nun. no thanks.. and she said something that made me think. That maybe part of my problem is not having God in my life.. thats been on my mind all day. I believe in God, I believe Jesus was the son of God who came to Earth and cave his life for us. but I can't accept all of the beliefs of the Catholic Church.. I Do NOt see homosexuality as a sin in an of itself. I do not equate birth control with abortion.. they are very different in my book. and I hate worshoping next to people who speak religin on Sunday then break 5 commandments by Wed. Or who profess to believe on thing, but are doing another.. I feel like a hypocrite by proffessing afaith I can't completely accept.. Yet I have never felt really comfortable in antoher Church.. Either they are the stand up and yell kind, which I feel really out of place at. Or I just can't explain why I feel out of place.. I thought about Unitarians, but they are basically a what ever goes for you system even if it is atheism.. I believe everyone has to chose for themselves and athiests have that right. AS religion has to be somthing you come to freely not somthing shoved up your nose, but I can't accept that belief my self. There is someone in Charge of the Universe and it aint us humans.. I think that is part of what the problem is . I just dont feel part of anything.. I envy those who are totally secure in their faith. I wish I could find some answers. I know there are things we as humans are not ready or able to understand.. I just wish I knew of a group where I felt comfortable accepted and not judged. I know there has to be one out there somewhere.. One that has beuatiful services similair to Catholics, but more in line with my beliefs.. Sort of a Catholic-lite to make a joke of an very unfunny subject.. I need to pray for more than just favors to for me.. Lately it seems like my prayers are less about worship and more along the lines of help me daddy.. I also believe that even though my father is no longer of this world his spirit and my grandfathers spirit are always going to be with me and looking out for me.. Which makes me feel good, but also at the same time I feel like I am really letting them down. I wish I was .. I wish I could just grow up. Is this making any sense at all. I feel like I am lost in a fog so thick I have no idea which direction I am going or where I am.. I have no idea what is in front of me till I run into it or fall off of it. Sometimes I just want to curl up in the corner and let the world go on with out me. I need to just open my self up, and what will be will be. But it is so hard. I can't just let go. I'm like a salmon swimming up stream to spawn.. No matter how hard or impossible I just keep bucking the current till I either reach my destination or die trying.. Here's hoping I make the open sea.

Fortunaleyl my Mom is going to help me again.. She is being so nice and helpful.. I know I can always count on my family. I just wish I didnt' have to. I feel like such a failure.. I look at those with happy little lives, and everything so nice and I turn green and ugly inside.. I read Kirins Diary and I feel so green and ugly with envy inside I just want to scream. She is such a nice person who has never ever done or said anything remotely out of line to me EVER!! Yet part of me hates her because she has a perfect little house and a wonderful husband and can afford nice little trips to D*Land etc.. all the everythings I've wanted since I was a little girl.. and I hate myself for it even more.. I made my life the way it was.. I chose to have sex with out marriage, I chose to keep my baby.. I chose to believe Mike when he said he would take care of us and love me.. I chose to believe him everytime he said things would be differnt. I chose to take him back.. I chose to go on spendig sprees' I chose to ignore the phone.. I have no one to blame for my misery but myself and it is tearing me to pieces.. I want some one to vent on, some one to shout at and say its all your fautl but I look around and there is no one.. I can't even in all fairness blame Mike.. Some of it is his fault, but I chose to let him walk all over me.. I gave him persmission to use me.. I saw the truth, but I ignored my better judegemtn, I wanted my dream so bad I lied to myself so I could pretend I would have it. And now my son is paying the price.. and I can't fix it. Someone please stop the world, I really need to get off this merry go round for a while.. Its pretty sad when your best friend in the world is a cat. I have friends at work and on the net, but none of them are really close and no one knows the whole truth.. Those of you who read my diary probably come the closest and that is part of my problem. It takes me a long time to get to know someone well enough that I trust them to come into my reality, instead of the face I paste on each morning as I leave the house. Is it any wonder I have grey hairs and feel so old..

On top of it all my birthday is on the 10th.. I will be 32. I alwasy get really down aroudn this time.. another year and what do I have to show for it.. Oh I know there are many who have it much worse and I should be greatful for the wonderful things I do have, and I am. but I still feel this nagging doubting something missing feeling.. The last birthday I remotely enjoyed was my 21rst.. If I have any money I think I will go out on a major cheerme up celebration of somekind. not too crazy.. but I think a nice dinner and a trip to Barenes NOble to not actually buy anything might be okay. Warren will be at his Dad's anyway. so I will be all alone. Or I may spring for a movie.. I've already seen Planet of the Apes. I liked it for the most part. but have no real desire to see it again.. Maybe by then something else will be out.. Boy is this another long entry.. its after 10pm and I need to go to bed, even though I know I won't sleep.. I dont sleep anymore.. I toss an turn and check the clock every couple hours. but its worth a shot.. I think this diary is helping. If I force myself to write even when I dont feel like it I get a better grip on whats eating me.


The Cranky One


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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.