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Monster Within part 2
Only two more entries after this one, and I will hit the big 500. That means I have sat in front of this box five-hundred times and wracked my brain to say something intelligent. If you count the entries that got eaten by a hungry server and /or an angry browser the total is probably much higher. There has been alot of ups and downs and changes in those five hundred entries. Printed out, it would probably add up to around 1000 or so typed pages of words. The summary of my life over the last 2 or so years, give or take a few periods where I didn't update. All the events of my life, consensed and edited down to the equivalant of a long novel. I think there is something to be said for that.
I have kept paper diaries off and on throughout my life, but usually my updates were sparse, and intended for no one's eyes but mine. I am genrally a very quiet private person. So no one is more amazed than I am that I have stuck with this for this long, and have put this much of my life in to a diary that is in one of the most public places to ever exist. That I am sharing some very personal information with total strangers. Willingly. And that for the most part I am enjoying it, and getting something out of it. I think it has helped in ways a tradional paper journal wouldn't. A private under the pillow journal doesn't hava a guest book, where people who have been thru similiar things, or who just find you intersting can talk to you. It doesn't let you meet other people, make friends, learn about what its like to live in other people's shoes. Where else can I get a peak into the private lives of people all over the world, people who's path's would otherwise never cross mine, because of geography, or because of preconcieved notions about certain types of other people that reading their diaries often prove wrong. (Did that make sense?).
I have often thought about someday letting Warren see this. When he is an adult I mean. I would hate for it to still be hear 40 years from now and have him find it, when I am either dead, or too far gone to explain some things. On the other hand I am a woman and a separate person and even though he is my son, and my pride and joy and center of my universe, I had a life before him, and parts of my life will always be none of his business. Maybe I'll just let him see selected entries. But that's not for many many years.
Today started out as a gray depressing day, and then it got bad. My mom sent Warren an Easter package, she mailed it last Friday and it still hasn't arrived. According to the NDCSE (North Dakota Child Support Enforcement) my last CS check was mailed Thursday. I was counting on it, but it hasn't arrived yet either. On the bright side, some how I managed to wind up on the mailing list for National Assoc of Female Executives. So I get free magazines and a free month's subscription to the Wall Street Journal. I wonder if I could be kicked out if they find out I am most definately not an executive. I would also love to thank who ever it is that sent me a five year subscription to Better Homes and Gardens. I love the magazine, but I definately didn't subscribe to it. But I sure won't turn it down.
Back to today. Warren and I walked to Cenex and snacked, as I have to have my caffiene. Then came home. When the mail came adn the Easter package wasn't in there, he was less than thrilled. I let him have his Easter pressie early. He loved it. I got him one of those 9 in one game sets, with dominoes and chess and checkers, etc..He loved it as he has been wanting one for a while now. He is actually quite good at chess. Things were gray and depressing, but then Mike started in and things went from icky to ugly in under a minute. I hate it when that happens. Warren loves is dad but he doesn't need this. I know when I am in monster mode, I am a bitch to be around, and since Mike is a two legged donkey ball to begin with. well disaster is is as likely as the next Pope being Catholic. I hate this. Its very hard for Warren to be counciled on proper behavior and be medicated, while his parents run amok, and nobody does anything. Mike is in total denial about his drinking, and I have tried meds, but most of them seem to have side effects that are worse than the mood swings. I refuse to go thru life feeling like I am perpetually stoned, which is what the last meds did. I know I need to go back and get treatment again, for me and for Warren, but somehow its so much easier to take care of Warren's illness than to admit to my own issues.
I am sure my particular form of the disease, and how it manifests itself has a lot to do with my having a raging anger over a lot of things. I get the feeling sometimes that some part of me is trying to hide something I really don't want to look to close at. I might see something I just don't know if I could deal with. On the other hand, for Warren's sake I think I have to.
I look at my hand and see the injury I did to my self with help from @$h()LE Mike. (Don't feel like getting into details here), and its a constant reminder of my mood problems. Like the time I had a tirade because the grocery store was out of mushroom soup, or the time I scared the crap out of my roommate and broke my finger, because the VCR messed up when it was supposed to record some program I can't even remember.
Warren is up here ready for snuggling Mommy and son time, so I have to end this for now.
Prequels ~ Sequels
Music of the mind: :
~*~Have you read these~*~
~ Ode to a child who is no more ~
~ She's baaack ~
~ testing ~
~ Facebook me ~
~ Bleech ~
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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.
I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.
I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.