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The Monster Within

14.03.03 @ 22:31
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I tell you staring that that screen eight hours a day for 40 odd, and I do mean very odd, hours a week is enough to make even the most together of people go every so slight stark raving looney. Since I'm definately not one of the most together people, (I'm usually in more pieces than one of those super 3d puzzles), well I guess we have finally found an explanation for my premature dementia. Not that I wasn't demented before, but at least now I have an excuse, or errr explanation I mean. What this all means in English, for those who don't speak Cranky, is that today I definately lived up to my screen name. I am at my wits end. The callers weren't that unusual or difficult today, but I just felt like if I didn't get out of there, I was gonna stand on my desk and just scream till they carried me out or something equally likely to get me looked up in a room where the walls can double as pillows.

I don't like it when I get like this. It carries over in to my home life. I become the big bad bitch of bipolarness. My son doesn't like it either. Mommy seems okay and then something that is meant one way, sets off some sort of alarm and boom Mommy go pow. Mommy get moody and cranky and irratable and no fun. When you are ten years old and have problems of your own, and your father acts more like a teenager than a man, well you need your mom to be a grown up, to always be tough, to never loose it. Especially when you have had your own bad day.

He had a mini incidnet today. I call it a mini incident, because while it was bad, he was in time out and he did get very very angry, he was able to process and return to appropriate behavior, and finish the day on a good note. He could have escalated, but he chose the better route. He had earned bonus points earlier in the day, so he still managed to get a 94%, which is very good.

On top of it all, it rained all day and now its turned into snow. WTF is up with that. Three days ago we were in shorts and I came this close to putting on the air conditioner. Now its back to winter coats and boots again. I guess even the weather is manic depressive around here. Which only seems to further my moods. I hate it when the monster tries to take over. Everybody has bad moods, but only those who have battled clinical depression and Manic Depression can begin to have a clue what it is like to live with a monster who is an mean, moody angry, and generally nasty, and who you can't run away from or leave, because the monster lives inside of you and is part of you. I just want to shut all the doors and stay in my room when the monster comes to visit. I don't want to go to work, even though the rational side of me knows the consequences of such actions would be devestating, the monster doesn't care. The monster only knows that it is angry and unhappy. It wants to scream, it wants to break something, to hurt someone, to do anything desctructive. The only thing that keeps the monster in control is the rational part of the brain that can talk to it, but sometimes it doesn't listen. The monster doesn't care. The monster is just angry. Angry at everyone and everything. ITs angry about the War, its angry about money, its angry at people for opionions it should agree with, but doesn't, it has a fits if the grocery store doesn't carry the right color of toilet paper. The monster is just a big red angry cloud the hovers over everything. It looks for any excuse to agrue. It will take the opposite side of something it agrees with, just so it can fight. The monster loves to fight, but it always winds up living with regret later. And regret and guilt are two other mini monsters that are even harder yet to live with. They bring on the depression.

Not the boo hoo, I had a bad day depression, but the why give a fuck, no body else does crawl in bed for a week and make love to my self pity kind of depression. The kind that doesn't care if you leave the house with out showering for three days.

I know all about Serotonin and the fact that my brain is messed up on the reuptake, and dopamine and brain chemicals. But somehow for me and Warren and everyone else forced to deal with me, know the whys' doesn't make it any easier. Diabetics can measure thier blood sugar and take an inuslin shot accordingly to compensate for a mal functioning pancreas. But what do you take or measure for a mal functioning brain. Especially when the person is least likely to admit the need for help at the point where they probably need it the most.

I just wish they could find the off switch for this ride already. I've ridden it way to long, and I want to get off NOW!


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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.