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2001-05-06 @ 10:17 p.m.
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When I crawl into

my shell of fear

I am become


I measure words until I no longer

dare to speak

I hold the delicate

glass of joy

so firmly that it shatters

Breaking into a thousand

pieces of regret

I look back in sadness

and I fail to respond to the call of comming


It is dark within my shell

Until I can

push free,

Death is not the future--

Death is Every day..

By Judith Mattison (I only wish I could take the credit.)

Help me to see,

that for you to be you,

you will never be like me.. Judith Mattison

Feeling rather down on me again tonight.. Warren came home from his dads and at first he was fine.. then he started being disrepectful again, and I could hear his dads words comming out of his mouth.. which of course pushes all those old buttons..He is feeling down and depressed and expressing it where he feels safe, with me, but as anger, and of course I get my buttons pushed so I respond back with anger.. then comes the guilt enormous gut crunching guilt.. We have another app Tues, though I think I will reschedule it.. maybe..

Mike called again.. damn of course he is trying to be all nice and then try to make like everthing is fine.. I listened and then I told him off again.. the man is either dense, stubborn, or a glutton for punishment.. or most likely all three.. He wants me to talk tohim like we were close or something.. Like non of the old stuff ever went down.. Fagetaboutit...I dont want to talk to him about anything...

Today was another nothing day other wise.. I didnt' get to bed till after 5 am, so I slept till noon.. then had some bacon and eggs.. I swear the way I eat somedays its amazing I dont' way 600 pounds.. then I unpacked the box of glasses I brought in from the garage where my albatross had hid them away.. I washed them and put them up.. My precious beautiful Star Wars glasses.. one of my favorite collections all 8 BK glasses for both Empire and Jedi.. and my Looney tunes Pepsi glasses.. My Apollo space glasses, my ND centential pop bottles, My Snoopy glasses, my Care Bare Glasses (from Pizza Hut) my Root Beer mugs (A&W) and my Coke and 7 UP glasses..And my ET glasses. I even have a Kentucky Derby glass from years ago, though I dont' know why I have that one..I dont' even like Horse racing.. I washed a bunch and put them up.. my prize glasses are not to be used, but I feel better knowing where they are.. Just like my tops bubble gum Cards almost the entire set for the whole OT.. and my old Marvel comics.. Hey mom remember when I was 12 and you said it was a phase, well I am over 30 and still obsessed.. lets see my sci fi collection obbessions started around 7, well thats only been 25 years.. yup just a phase LOL...

You should have known I would be different, after all most young girls don't grow up watching Project Blue Book and the Untouchables with their dad. Or read all of his old "Classics Illustrated comics". I never read alot of classic lit but I know the main stories fro mthe Classic comics..LOL

Now if I could only find what he did with the rest of my books and movies.. I found all my ST books, and half of my movies.. I Have a good idea where the rest are but that ladder we have is about as stable as an accident just waiting to happen..

I know they are here somewhere.. I just feel more comforable knowing where they are and having them where I can get at them anytime I want.. So when Warren starts reading I can hand them down to him.. I am already corrupting him. He loves Harry Potter, and The Phantom Toll Bridge, and CS Lewis.. the kids gonna be alright..

well is almost 11,

and since Monday Mornings are the worst mornings.. I should adios..



Prequels ~ Sequels

Daily Dumbass:
Thankful For:
Music of the mind: :

~*~Have you read these~*~

~ Ode to a child who is no more ~
~ She's baaack ~
~ testing ~
~ Facebook me ~
~ Bleech ~

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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.