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Hell in a handbasket

10.03.02 @ 18:37
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The house doesn't usually seem this empty when Warren is at Mikes. But today for some reason it just seem huge and cold and emptier than a politicians promise.

Warren is spending tonight at Mikes, but then comming home tommorrow. He has another appt with Dr. J tommorrow. Mike is gonna meet me there. I had no choice. My stupid monster made me betray myself again. When Mike and I were fighting I flew in to one of my rages. I hate these. I know I am being totally out of control but it is like my body is on autopilot. I can't explain it. Its like the anger has taken over and the intelligent reasonable parts of my brain aren't allowed to have a say any more. I have had one of those in a long time. I hate being BP i hate it I hate it I hate it. The manic phases used to be worth the3 trade off, I would get more done than in the rest of the time put together. But now I just don't know. Last night was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I knew going in I was making a huge mistake, but I didn't care. I just wanted to play pretend for a couple hours. I wanted to say no, but my body was sayihng something else. I betrayed one of my own cardinal rules. I feel so dirty and cheap.

Every time I think I am getting ahead something else comes and slaps me down. Its like I am drowning in sea of chaos and the only rope I get thrown is one that isnt[' tied to anything, so I keep pulling but as soon as I pull to hard it slips and I go falling back down. I know it will get better it always has, even when the really awful and unmentionable has happened eventually it got better, but I hate those "in the mean times".

I mean some of what he said made some sense, but most of it was just hurtful. I feel like such a lump. Our fighting is tearing Warren in half. And my illness isn't helping. I love my son, I feel so guilty like I am ruining his life, I know he loves me (and his dad), but I ..he he is everything to me. My center is the center of my universe. If you read thru my diary almost every entry is about Warren this or Warren that. Even in real life its all I can talk about, well maybe not all but it is definately one of my favorite subjects. He is my baby, flesh of my flesh , bone of my bone. I've bonded with him since he was a microscopic embryo.

Mike seemed to have cooled down some, when I called over and talked to Warren but it still got quite, well for lack of a better non cliche, I'll say heated. Warren was happy to talk to me though. He even said I love you when we hung up the phone. I love my baby so much. Right now I have a headache comming on. I can sit, but it feels so tight like I can't breathe. Like something is sitting on me. Its not an attack, but I just feel like if I dont' get up and move something I dont' know what will happen. I don't think its the begginging of a panic attack, I haven't had one of those in years,but something.

I just can't cope right now. I just don't know what I'm gonna do.

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~*~Have you read these~*~

~ Ode to a child who is no more ~
~ She's baaack ~
~ testing ~
~ Facebook me ~
~ Bleech ~

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Mini-Bio

In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.

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