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At Wit's End!!

16.12.02 @ 20:11
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Regis, I need to call my lifeline.

I think I may have finally reached my breaking point. I am not sure how much more I can take.Warren had a very bad day again today. It is clear to me know that Mike is at the root of all of it. But why is it still so hard for me. I have given him many chances to get out, to find a place but he won't go. Once he almost did and then it fell through. Because of how long he has been here, and he hasn't done anything I can't legally get him out with out going thru evicition proceedings. Yet part of the deal with PSJ, is that he needs to be gone, for Warren's sake and mine. He has caused so much trouble, messed up my life, is messing up Warren's and yet, I feel sorry for him? What the FUCK is wrong with me.

He got served tonight, and has court on Wed, he most likely will be going to jail. Yet I feel sorry for him. I don't understand my self at all. Warren comes first, he brought all this crap on himself, yet I feel guilty about being happy that something bad for him is good for me. I don't want to be with this man, I don't love him, yet I don't hate him either. I know I have to make some changes. I can live with out him, I have proven that. Its not easy, but it can be done. I just don't understand it. Its been made clear that when ever Warren is with his dad he has problems. Also the uncertainty, and unpredictability of things right now is driving him crazy, litterally. He can't take it. I am barely hanging on, and I am an adult. Why do I do this to my son. He was such a perfect baby, with so much potential. I feel like I ruined it all. I am destroying my baby. He is everything to me, yet I am turning into one of those stupid white trash mom's I always looked down on. I don't want to be like that. I hate myself, I just hate my self. Hate hate hate hate.. I am even looking at possible other temporary placement for Warren and that is the last thing I want, but Warren is not learning to deal with his emotions, he is not getting any education, and I don't know what to do.

HE was doing great when he was inpatient, which tells me that (and them also) his home life is the problem. I agree, but while I am the only one who can fix it , I feel powerless. Also they thought there was a denial of meds, which I never agreed to , so new meds were not being autherized. I corrected that today, but still. All this wasted time. WE are more or less where we were before. I don't know what to do. I just don't know.

And my baby is the one suffering. I am ruining a child's life. I am hoping things will improve now. I am at the end of my options. And not having transportation is not helping things. I am sick and tired of being such a dependent fuck up, who is scared to face anything. I hate this I hate it. Part of me knows that things could still work out all right, but another part of me is petrified.

He is an alcholic, drifter, he is a dreamer who never materializes anything, he has a temper and blames me for everything, yet he threatens to leave, in front of Warren. And then says things to him like, your mother will be glad to get rid of me, she wants you all drugged up and so forth. He is evil I tell you , I am seeing that. He means well, on one hand, but on theother he is totally self orbiting. He is not worth it, but why, what .. what the fuck is wrong with me.

I don't know exactly if I have other legal options. I want him out, gone, not comming back. I want to know that there are conditions on his seeing Warren, but Warren wants to be able to see his dad. One day he is cooperating, the next he is NOT. Help, I think I am drowning.

I had to do some fast talking, and pleading to keep them from discharging him back to the wolves today. He is soo soo, not even close to ready. I am so so wishing I could check in for a couple weeks. I just can't take anymore. I just can't deal.

I'm going to cuddle with my little boy now. And try not to cry.

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Mini-Bio

In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.

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