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Rumor's of my death have been slightly exaggerated...

Thursday, Sept. 23, 2004 @ 7:26 pm
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I can't believe its been over a week since I've updated. I could take the easy way out and attribute it to my being overwhelmingly busy the last week, but that is not entirely true either. I have been busy, but not THAT busy. The house is much cleaner I have gotten rid of a huge pile of trash (I am sure the garbage crew in W.Fargo have me on their list of houses they hate), and I also donated several boxes to The Boy's Ranch (a local thrift store here in Fargo which supports the Dakota Boys Ranch - a sort of last chance home for boys- and girls- between 10 and 18 who have used up most of thier other options short of real jail and who still have a chance of turning thier lives around).

I gave a way and old dresser I dont' have room for. Its been with me since I was 16, and was a birthday present from my mom and dad, but it needed repair and it was time for it to go to a new home where it will be repaired, loved and used. I also got rid of the Fisher Price Toybox I bought when Warren was 4 or 5. It was still full of toys that Warren hasn't played with since his was 7 or 8. It was time for it too move on to another family also. IT was in great shape and is getting a second life. The books that I collected with love over Warren's life and read to him many many times have moved to a daycare center where they will continue to be enjoyed by the age group they were meant for. Warren has long since moved beyond Dr. Suess and Chica Chica Boom Boom (Will there be enough room?). I have more boxes of toys and other items ready to donate to DBR or the ARC (Association for Retarded Citizens another excellent charity that advocates on behalf of the developmentally disabled).

I still have a lot to do, but that isn't why I haven't written in so long. It's part of it, I have been rather tired at the end of the day, but that's not the whole story. That would be the easy way out. The truth is I just haven't been up to it moodwise. My original elation at realizing I'm not going to be homeless anyday now, has been replaced by a depression at the reality of the situation I've gotten my son and myself into. I was in a great mood when Calthea and A* came over and did a great job helping me find the living room floor. I was able to clean out the kitchen that morning, and still clean all afternoon, and do a huge amount of laundry at the laundry mat the next day. But then I rec'd a letter from my lawyer on Monday. Basically the letter told me the same thing he told me on the phone (althought the letter said I had till December, the phone call said Novemeber and he's out till Monday). I reac'd another letter from the lawyers for the loan company. I didnt' read it, but did drop it off at my lawyers office, where I was so nervous, and edgy that I almost backed into somebody. (Parking on the street on Main Ave = very very bad idea). I still don't know what I am going to do. I could be doing more, but a large part of me feels like what is the point, if I'm going to be leaving anyway. I'll be damn if I'm going to fix things up for the bank (petty and immature yes - but F-IT).

So the real reason I haven't updated is that I just haven't felt like it, haven't really wanted to deal with things, even though I know I don't really have anychoice. In some strange ways I think it would have been easier to cope had I just up and left within the 14 days and moved on. This way I just have more time to think, and I already tend to think too much (just about the wrong things unfortunately), allowing my imagination to run into overtime.

Trust me, my imagination is a scary place. This weeks POY was about childhood fears, trust me when you hear mine, you will agree that I was one strange kid, who only got stranger as an adult. Not alot of kids have to have the bedroom door open and the hall light on, out of petrified fear that otherwise aliens would come up the stairs in the middle of the night and kidnap them. I had no idea what they looked like or why they would. I just knew that as long as the hall light was on and I could see them first I had a chance. That's what happens to kids whose dad's loved watching Project Blue Book with thier preschool daughters who take everythign personally. It didn't help that I was an extraordinarily shy kid, or as my parents used to say, "she's very bashful". I remember hiding in the cupboard from babysitters, I remember hiding under the table when company came over. I even wet myself in first grade, because I was too shy to raise my hand and ask to use the bathroom. Of course having my mom tell me stories about how gypsies kidnap kids who wander from thier parents didn't help much, but I'm sure it did make sure I didn't wander off when were out in big crowds, like at the fair.

I'm not sure when I grew out of it, but the fact that I now make a living talking to strangers means I must have out grown it somewhere. Though sometimes I do still have problems taking to people about certain things, for the most parts I am worlds away from where I was as a kid.

As for the aliens comming to get me fear, strangely I think seeing Star Wars helped that weird as it sounds, instead of making it worse. Suddenly the aliens were just "regular people" so to speak, some good, some bad, most just doing their thing. I dont' think I quite reasoned it that way, but it was right about that same time, that I stopped living in fear that little green men wanted to come and get me. (Hearing my dad and my aunt talk about some story he read about a truck driver stopping to investigate some strange object and waking up surrounded by aliens only made it worse. As and adult I can see it was probably from the Enquirer or something but as a preschooler it scared the crap out of me.).

As an addendum, no my dad was not a nut. Quite the opposite he was a very down to earth man, who happened to have a very open mind, and taught me to consider all sides of an issue and to really think about things before making up my mind. He taught me to look into things myself, and never believe something just because somebody says so, no matter how much of an authority that person might be. He is also the one who helped me develop my argueing and debate skills, we used to love to take an issue and issue and take sides and argue it. It drove my mom nuts and we used to act mad, but the truth is we both loved it. It no wonder I miss him so much sometimes. Imperfect as he was, he was a great father.

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~*~Have you read these~*~

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Mini-Bio

In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.

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