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Back into hell

Sunday, Sept. 12, 2004 @ 10:07 am
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I feel like I am walking thru quicksand. One minute I am almost okay and think I can make this work and can almost see the brightside of things, or at least make my self believe there is brightside, then boom I crash and in a matter of minutes I am in tears. I broke down crying in the break room before work this morning.

I put all my dad's inheritance in this house, its all I have (materially speaking). It was my dream to have a home for Warren, I was tired of moving of living in crappy apts, not able to do anything, of not having a yard and a 'hood for Warren to grow up in. We moved in the year after my dad died. I have good and bad memories. I have lived here since Warren was 5. He has many friends in the neighborhood, and it is a nice quiet neighborhood. I want to stay close, but at the same time seeing the place would be too hard for me now.

I have way to much stuff, I have no idea how to move it/get rid of it. I've know for a lomg time that we have way way too much stuff. I've just been so depressed, more depressed than I've admitted to, even to myself. I've fooled everyone of my friends and family, my son and myself about how bad I let things get. The whole time I was out of work sick, I barely ever left the bed. I fed Warren largely on reheated cans and $.49 DQ cheeseburgers. Rarely do I seem intersted in cooking, the dishes are never done, the house is such a disaster I'm ashamed to have anybody see it, I can't seem to pay any bills, I never have any money.. ..yadda yadda... I' think I'll go eat worms.. I just can't seem to find it to care. I've built my self a mental cocoon, and have been hiding pretending things weren't really as bad as they were, operating as my ex would say, in my own little world.

I just don't know what to do..I have contacted a lawyer, even before it hit fan, or as it was hitting I should say I knew I needed to do something. I just feel like such a failure for letting this happen. There were many things I could have done. It would be easy to blame Mike, or my losing my job two years ago, or a number of other things, but the fact is I have only myself to blame. I am an idiot sometimes. And it is Warren who always pays the price.

He is being very strong and brave about things, too strong and brave. I know things are bothering him much more than he is letting on. I soo want to stay close so he can continue to hang out with his old friends. He needs all the friends he can get right now. He needs a mother with her shit together. I can't seem to give him the latter, than damn it I have to find a way to give him the former.

I hate myself more than my ex ever could right now.. Fuck me


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~*~Have you read these~*~

~ Ode to a child who is no more ~
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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.