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The Long and Winding Road

13.03.03 @ 09:40
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I wanted to update this last night, but was afraid I'd wind up typing out a big long entry only to press submit and be greeted by a blank white screen proclaiming "We are in the process of moving servers" or something to that effect.

Yesterday was definately a day for the books. It started off so-so, then suddenly escalated to ugly as Warren got struck by some mood lightening between sitting down to eat his oatmeal and finishing it. To make a long story short, he got moody and power-struggly, and I being PMS-y, pissy and feeling the time pressure to get us all out of the house to places none of us wanted to be was not in the greatest of spirts either. All this means that we went from snarky to super nasty in less than 30 seconds. I ended up forcing Warren's shoes on his feet, he slammed the door on his way out to the van and I was on the verge of tears on the way to the bus stop.

Then I get to work and my first call of the day is none other than Mr. Knock-Knock. This time I didn't talk as long to him. He sounded like a very old kid, and he didn't seem in a depressed mood, but more like he was just trying to see how far he could push it. I was on the phone with him less than a minute, and he still got in another bad knock knock joke. I no sooner hung up then the C*'s phone (she sits across from me) rang and it was him again. Apparently the guy doesn't comprhend the idea that this is a business line not a 1-900 chat line. Though the the guy was so nice, it was impossible to be mad at him, and he did actually make me feel good. I mean what woman doesn't like to be flirted with, even if it is a random stranger who may or may not have all have a full sack of marbles.

Yesterday was a short work day, because I had a family therapy appointment at PSJ, for Warren. All I can say is I think I am in love with my son's therapist. The man is awesome. Not an "I want to get naked and jump your bones" in love, but a "can we bottle this guy in a pill, so I can have two of him every morning" in love. When ever we come from his office I am in such a good mood, and even Warren is responding. He is doing so much better this last week and a half, that we arent' sure if we need the group home now or not. I have never been able to talk to anyone, to tell them the truth about things before the way I can with this guy. He seems to be one of the few men on the planet who posses that inate gift of being able to spell out the truth to you, with out making you feel judged or condemed. The first time in my life, somebody is pointing out what is in front of my face, with out rubbing my nose in it. We are actually figuring a few things out, on our own, but yet with out him I don't think we would ever see it. Let's here it for the value of a great therapist. There just aren't enough of them. The last therapist we had was too busy pinning blame and didn't do a damn bit of help.

After we got home, Warren spent two hours outside shoveling, even though it was snowing as fast as he could shovel it. He looked like Frosty the Snowman when he came in, but he felt wonderful. And his disosition was lightyears better. He was so well behaved in fact that he got bonus points and I let him stay up till 10 to watch the end of Speed 2. (something I normally wouldn't).

It is Thursday already, and I still haven't heard from the lady I interviewed with last week. If I don't hear back by this afternoon, I am considering calling her. I want them to know I am still very much interested, yet I also don't want to come off as too pushy. hmmm.. THink about this I must.

Speaking of phones, I had one of the weirdest converstations yesterday. TOW called, looking for Mike. When she interduced her self I was like just "oh hi". She wanted to know if Mike planned to come see his twins this weekend or if it was a once a month thing. I said I didn't know, as I try not to talk to him I'm trying to get rid of him. Then she made some comment about "dont' send him over here, I don't want him". Then she told me about one of the twins (not even a full year old yet) having pneumomia and being in the hospital, so she was staying at her sisters house in town. Next thing I know we are talking about kids and fevers and so forth. It didn't hit me until after I hung up that I was having a girl friend to girl friend conversation with my ex's ex, a person I have never met, like we had been friends for ages. It seems old MIkey must have yet another lady friend, as neither of us wants anything to do with him. Yet he was on the phone for long periods of time last weekend with some other chicky poo. I heard her message for him once. I think I can safely refer to her as Dingbat. I started thinking I should advertise for "Lost in NJ" aka LINJ, and we could all get together and form some sort of bizarre club, for women who have been screwed over by Michael ********. (note my son's last name is the same as his dad's and since it is a very unusual Lithuanian name, I will not ever use it on line for safety reasons). Especially when you consider according to Mike, we are all a bunch of Nuts who's only goal in life is to make his life as miserable as possible. (Actually in my case that is just a pleasant side effect.) The man is such a jerk, he gives jack-asses a bad name.

Okay I don't know if its the caffiene or yesterday's diary entry but the Meat Loaf blaring on the cd player is a pretty good indication that either I am in an unusually great mood or I am about to have a manic episode. The dishes are actually almost done, and I even just made my bed. Quick somebody do a gravity check, somewhere in the universe something is totally out of whack. I mean I even have laundry going on. Too bad motherhood doesn't come with a salary and insurance. I could get used to this stay at home stuff. Though I think after awhile I would be bored out of my skull. I was unemployed for 6 weeks, and while it was nice to be home and get things done, I was dying for something more productive in my day than "I did three loads of laundry and vacummed two rooms" I am one of those people who has to have a challange or I go crazy (er). That must be why God gave me Warren. If ever there was a kid who posed a challange, Warren would be it. Asks her self how stay at home mom's with kids in school all day manage to keep their sanity, and not resort to talking to the tv just to hear the sound of another human voice.

I stayed home the first year after I had Warren, then went back to work nights, as much to get out of the house as for the paycheck which was also desperately needed. Thus I was able to enjoy the best of both worlds for a while. While I wouldn't trade my time at home with my son for anything, and I firmly believe baby's and toddler's do best with a parent (either parent assuming both are competant), I also believe that a well rounded adult needs to have interest outside of the house that go beyond their kids. Especially once the kids get to be of school age. Even if I could afford to stay home right now, to be perfectly honest I wouldn't. I would still work at least part time. I would be alot more choosy, but to be home all the time. I would very quickly loose what little sanity I have left.

I need the challange, I need to work for a goal, and I need to show my son the value of hard work and education. I am first and for most Warren's mom, but that is only one part of who I am. I am also what I do, I am a friend, I am a fan I am many things. To limit myself to being nothing more than Warren's mom is a disservice to both him and to me.

Some day he will grow up, some day he will leave the nest. I refuse to be one of those women who goes all depressed and has nothing to get up for anymore because her kids made the mistake of growing up. And since I know I will never be able to count on Warren's dad for anything except a good headache, if I wasn't able to hold a job, or get an education well we would really be in dire straits wouldn't we.

If something had happend to my Dad while I was a kid, we could very easily have lost everything. My mom never made it passed the 8th grade. She was an intelligent woman (who's parents had no money). The only job she ever had was nurse's aid.

There is no way she could have kept up a farm the size of ours and raised two kids on a salary barely above minimum wage. Even with insurance and so forth, with out my dad we would have had very little. That is one reason why I believe all women should be capable of supporting themselves before they ever have kids. (I know I did it backwards. I could barely support a goldfish much less a kid when I got preggo).

I have been a welfare mom, and I can honestly tell you that unless your goal in life is to watch as much tv as humanly possible and never be anything but a burden on society, that is a nowhere to nothing ride. I had to work my butt off, (along with some very good luck) to get out of that trap. One of my biggest fears is going back to that. Even something like being forced to accept ND MA has me in a total freak mode. I don't like it one damn bit. I am a capable person, I have an education and I have skills. I dont' want someone else to support me. I am not afraid of hard work. I took the first job offered to me, just so I could have an honest paycheck and get off of unemployment.

(And since I live in the only first world country on the planet where medical care is a privledge instead of aright (ala Canada, Sweden etc...) I have to either accept welfare, let my son continue with out the help, or declare bankruptcy and sell everything I own to pay for PSJ. (not to mention medication, dental care and eveything else that should be a basic human right). Okay, this rant has gone taken a totally long and winding road completely off its original course. I think that is a clue its time to wind up for now.

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Mini-Bio

In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.

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