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Spin me right round baby, like a record baby, right round.

14.11.02 @ 22:49
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Okay many things on my mind right now. Some very big serious things, and some smaller, but important to me none the less.

First of all, I am sick and tired of the Prequel Bashing. I loved AOTC, and I mean loved. IT is not the original SW trilogy, nothing will ever take that place, but it fits in wonderfully and sets up and explains the events in 4, 5, and 6. If you can't deal with the fact that Darth Vader was once a very wounded and hot looking young man, and that he wasnt' born evil well tough shit. Yet another reason I've spent more time with my newer group of net buddies on tf.n. I have the DVD, I have seen the movie, counting home and theatre well over 30 times and I am not ashamed in the least. Yes the Yo Da Man commercial is silly and stupid, but that doesnt' change the movie, I loved it. Whew. George is a genius and I will go to my grave worshiping (in a fan way, nto religuous way) the man. Nuff said.

In other news. I am applying for medical assistance, because I am going to have some more serioius medical bills real soon, and unless I get a full time job with bennies very very soon, I am verry very screwed. But it is hard to find work when you have to leave at anytime to deal with an emotionally messed up child, and you have to be gone because of numerous meetings and apppointments to deal with treatment of said child. And when said child is going to be going back to partial program well, there are going to be huge bills, and no money, adn I need to be available to deal with him, which makes finding a job next to impossible, not to mention holding one, as most employers prefer someone who can show up everyday and stay a full shift.

I love my son to pieces and this is tearing me to shreds. His biggest problem is that he has a bipolar, overweight, emotionally exhausted mother, with a hair trigger fuse and a guilt complex, and an alcholic, substance abusing, ADHD father who also has a hair trigger temper, and anger management issues. THis makes for a kid who under the best of circumstances would have issues and places him in a situation that even a trained professional would have a hard time coping with.

I am also attemtping to climb my way out of guilt mountain and the valley of self doubt. I know I am largely responsible for what my son is going thru, but his father is also responsible, and won't admit it prefering to blame me entirely for not wanting a relationship and for not making it work. We did have a brief "honeymoon period". But it didnt' last, because I refused to sleep with him, and because I said I didnt' want to be togehter. Warren in his own words "why can't they just talk nice to each other" simple direct to the pint and totally correct. We are both so caught up in our own anger and pain. I wold love to get along, but I can't forgive somebody who thinks they did nothing wrong and won't admit what they did wrong and how badly it hurt others. He equates that with wanting him to kiss my butt. Warren wants badly to beable to behave and not be angry, but he has soo much pain it is literally more than he can handle.

And being male it comes out as anger, or more precisesly rage. He can hold it together for so long, but eventually gets totally out of control usually out of proportion to some everyday frustration. He has hit his teachers, and once even tried to hit a cop, and he is only 9. I am desperate to keep this in the mental health system where it belongs. Once it hits the justice system forget it. The Juvy Justice system in this counry is a joke. All it does is throw kids in to a sytem that teaches them how to be a REAL criminal. He is not a bad kid, only a seriouly messed up and hurting kid. If I have to be away from him a while for him to get better than so be it. It is the las thing I want but, Warren's needs come first.

The professionals we have been working with have made it pretty clear, and they agree with what I've been saying that Mike must go. WE must be apart. An intact family is an admirable thing, but neither of us is capable of dealing wiht each other right now. There is to much pain an hurt on both sides and it will not go away simpley be cause we want to wish it away.

Mike of course doesn't have steady job or much money either and he is feeling hurt, but he needs to get his own help and deal with his issues, he has noble goals, but his actions are tearing his son to peices. I feel bad for him and that is my achilles heal. I only let him back as a "temproary" thing last August because I was in a desperate spot. I had to "go away" for 12 days, (not ready to toalk about it yet) and I was very very depressed about it, and in a barely functioning spot. Most times Warren and I would eat out, because cooking was too much effort, and so was cleaning or anything. So things were pretty bad. I needed him and he needed me. BiG HUGE, Giant mistake. When I was gone, that is when the trouble started and then snowballed from there. I dont know which way is up. My mom is going to help me pay off my fines, but I still owe so much back medical bills, plumbing bills and so forth. I am seriously considering bankruptcy, but I know next to nothing about it, and am not sure if it is a good idea or a bad idea. I am hoping it might be a way to finally clear up the debt, and keep the house. Then once Warren starts getting well again, and I am working I may see a light yet.

Tommorrow even though I probably shouldn't Warren and I are going to try to see Harry Potter, with Calthea and another friend. I am hoping with all else we have going on , we can get tickets. I think we all need some cinematherapy right now. Watching AOTC has helped a great deal, but I am still not up for finishing my fan fic. I just can't seem to get back to that place.


Prequels ~ Sequels

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~*~Have you read these~*~

~ Ode to a child who is no more ~
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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.