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Have you seen Leanna Warner?
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.... spin me right round, baby right round like a record, baby

03.03.03 @ 22:15
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Some days my life could best be described as a treadmill. I keep running and running till I am exhausted, but in the end I go no where. I keep going over and over the same things like a broken record, that won't allow the needle to move to the next groove. I can't explain it, but its like even though I've had no choice but to move on, as the universe refuses to stop and wait for me (and don't think I'm not pissed about that one), I can't seem to let go of somethings.

Before Mike came back things were so nice, yes there were some rough spots, it was hardly and iddlyic life, but it was so nice and Warren was in regular school and I had a job I loved (well okay mostl loved) and lived something resembling a normal life where I actually had spare change at the end of every week. Warren was able to hold his temper, and now its all falling apart. I know I am as much to blame. Mike didn't cost me my job (not to my knowldege anyway, even he ain't that vile, especially to some one he want to Mommy him), and other things I don't care to go into aren't his fault, but alot of things are. He brings out the worst in me, and I him. In some ways we are so much alike we are opposite if that makes any sense. Everyonce in awhile we can make nice but mostly we are like bizarre fun house mirrors reflecting back each others worst and most disliked qualities. I am so tired of the drama, and yet in order to move on, I know I need to let go of the past year. But it refuses to leave me. Other people's kids, even those with mental illness are able to function well enough to go to school. My son has an IQ I am convinced would fall into or close to a gifted range. Yet he struggles to read Dr. Suess. He can maintain a level mood for days and then all of a sudden something will anger him and pow he will lash out and react, before he thinks.

Alot of this he has seen at home. I come off as a quiet laid back easy going sweet person. And most of the time, with most people I am. But certain people (read MIKE) bring out the ugly in me and, all of a sudden one word or sentence will send me from 0 to raving banshee in under 60 seconds. I hate this. I have tried various BP meds and the side effects are even worse. The last meds I tried left me feeling like I was a hamster on an overdose of speed. I couldn't think, because my brain was circling somewhere around the moons of Jupiter. (I am also the person who doesn't drink because one drink will have me as drunk as three drinks will the average person. Two Wine coolers and I am out for the night). Some days I am fine. I rarely loose my temper at Warren, but I have very little to do with my brother for reasons that are totally not his fault, and Mike is lucky to still be alive. I feel so helpless, and guilty. OTher people don't have to deal with this, why do I? There are no easy answers, but dammit I want some anyway.

I love my son and the thought of not being with him, is tearing me apart. The though of what may happen when he gets allittle older and the temptations of adolescence raise thier ugly head (His father, grandfather and great grand father were all raging drunks), is more than I can think about. Of course Mike is only all to happy to blame it all on me. I look back on Warrens early years, I tried hard to do everything right, he was breastfeed on demand, weaned on his own when he was ready. I stayed home the first year, then worked nights in order to be home with him all day. He went to a great headstart program, where even then there were some signs, had a mostly great year in kindergarten, I didn't beat my kid into submission, I made lots of vegetables, I read to him everynight and sang and rocked him to sleep, often letting him sleep in my arms.. In first grade it all fell apart. But I thought we had caught it early. He had help and seemed to be doing great. Then Second grade went smoothly with nary a hitch, well okay we went through more than a couple day cares because of his behavoior, but we had one that he loved and who loved him. Third grade started out great, then Mike came back, and because I was desperate and had to go away for 12 days (which I don't want ot talk about right now), I made the worst mistake of my life and let him back. As soon as I did that, Warren started having problems again. Related incidents or coincidental timing? I honestly don't know.I just don't know. I can't go back and redo or undo anything, but I can't seem to let it go. My son's life is in turmoil and I should have been able to stop it. If only, If only..

I still havne't moved on from losing my last job. I keep comparing this one to that, and its hopeless. These people mean well and have some good points, the discount and the feebies are nice, adn I am learning alot, but its just not the same, adn the money isn't the same. I have a bad attitude adn that make it worse, and I am sure it shows. If I could just stop, being stuck in the past maybe I could move on better. This what if game is killing me. I feel like if this is karma, then somewhere in time I must have really screwed somebody over. It isn't fair, I want a happy home with my son next to me. Why can't I have the family I want? I picked Mike to relieve my lonlieness when I was young and stupid and now we are all paying the price with our lives.

I wonder Paper Wharehouse makes Pity Party balloons?

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~*~Have you read these~*~

~ Ode to a child who is no more ~
~ She's baaack ~
~ testing ~
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~ Bleech ~

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Mini-Bio

In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.

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