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I need to be rewired

2001-08-16 @ 3:14 p.m.
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First up, the cool news. They lifted the wage freeze as of August 1. So we all get our back pay increases that we should have had months ago. I have two raises coming at once. Yeah. A whole $.78 an hour increase. It doesn’t sound like much, but the way I am struggling with bills, that couldn’t have come at a better time. Unless it came at an earlier time, when it should have in the first place. It is supposedly retroactive to the first so I may even have some back pay coming, but I am not going to hold my breathe.

Second of all it seems like some of my favorite diarists have jumped ship. First Sigyn stopped updating back in July. Now Arriyah has also stopped updating because of some serious family issues she is dealing with. I hope she comes back soon.

I was reading some other Mommy diaries, and it is so cool to see how many other Mommies share my opinion on breast feeding as long as possible. (I.e. Until the child weans off) and in a family bed. I tried having my son in a crib when he was first born, but he hated it, and so did I. I was in a constant state of panic checking on him what seemed like every 15 minutes. (I was SIDS paranoid). I found if I kept him in my arms and lay on the bed he would sleep blissful, as one would expect a baby to sleep. Of course his father was paranoid that I would roll over on him or drop him. (Every case I ever read of this the adult was under the influence of something, or was a father who was an extremely heavy sleeper – Moms have a built in radar about this sort of thing). It didn’t happen. So we compromised. I had a bassinet that was right next to the bed where I was. That way at least I could cuddle and feed him at the first whimper. He always slept best when I was holding him, or he was lying on his tummy. I know that is major no -no, but if we tried any other position he would throw a fit. He also had very specific ideas on what he liked or didn’t like Mommy eating, and what clothes he liked wearing. In the winter the sight of a snowsuit would send him into a tantrum (not good for a ND kid). Ha Ha! The kid was born with an opinion on everything. He was making serious protests before they even cut the cord. He was almost 4 before he finally nursed his last. Sometimes I still miss that closeness of our bedtime ritual. I would read to him then nurse and rock him till he fell asleep. Unless I was working, then his father would put him to bed, but more of then than not he would wait up till I was home. I guess I was lucky that the early years we mostly worked opposing shifts so he could usually have either his dad or me to care for him. There were a few times I had to put him in daycare, but not many and not for more than a few hours a week. Even his pediatrician was amazed at how fast he grew and is still growing. Thanks to his father and I he is still dealing with issues, and is having a hard time, but he has gotten some help in the last few months and is doing light-years better.

I was able to get him registered for school and we found his room. But it wasn’t ready yet. Back to school night is on August 23rd. August 27th is the day that school starts. For a supposedly free education it sure isn't’ that free. According to them I owed $15 from last year for lunches. I could have sworn I paid that, but I have nothing to prove it. And then there is the milk and hot lunch and Craft fees(??). Craft Fees?? Sometimes I wonder just what they do with our tax dollars if the school can’t even afford to buy craft materials. I agree with the bumper sticker that says I long for the day when there are 22 trillion dollars spent on education and the Army needs to hold a bake sale to buy more weapons. After all what good are weapons if the people holding them have no education to use them intelligently and with reason. Nuff said. No more on that rant.!! Now I just have to watch the Midweek for the bus schedule. Here’s to a new year. May it be better than the last one.

Today I got so mad at Warren for something so stupid. I still can’t believe I over reacted. He put all his pants in the top of his closet and then proceeded to tell me he didn’t’ have any pants. I not knowing told him to look in his drawer, where I knew I had put the clean laundry the night before. He made show of slamming his drawers and saying no. When I came in to show him, I saw him run from closing the closet door so I knew something was up. I checked the drawers, all empty. Then I look in the closet, bingo. I should have taken it as a joke, but instead I lost my tempter. Damn!! Why do I have to be like my mother sometimes? I later apologized and we had a talk, but I think there are still some issues. He says I never have any fun or spend some time with him. I though I spent time with him. We go to the movies, we read stories, I just sit and snuggle with him. But Dad has time to take him camping over the weekend and give him undivided attention while he is there. I feel like I am shortchanging him some how. Someway, somehow I have turned into one of those sourpusses who is too busy with all the “jobs” of life to just take time to live it. Kids really do say the darndest things. I think a lot of it is because I am so busy trying to make ends meet and take care of the house and stressing over the bills, that I forget the whole reason I am doing all of this. I love my son, but I need to take more time to show it. I wonder how he would like the planetarium as MSUM (formerly Moorhead State University). I am not even sure the cost, but they are having a show every Thursday. I think it might be fun, and maybe a little trip to BK, or MCD instead of normal supper might also be in order. He also likes cuddling in bed with me at night and reading a story or sometimes watching cartoons if there is one on that I can stomach. His current favorites are Scooby-Doo, Tom & Jerry and The Chuck Jones show. The kid has good taste. Unfortunately Cartoon Network also has some less than cool cartoons I really don’t think an 8-year-old needs to see.

I have been feeling strange all day. I took my allergy Meds today because it was a really bad pollen day. I also started back on the Welbutrin and Depakote. I hate the Welbutrin but if I eat first and watch my caffeine consumption I think I will be okay. But I still have the jitters and the hard time concentrating. Sometimes I really wish my brain wasn’t wired so funny. But then I guess I wouldn’t be me would I. Lately I have also been feeling so melancholy for some reason. At night I seem to want nothing more than to lay in bed and watch M*A*S*H or listen to Bat out of Hell II over and over again.. Its strange, when ever I get depressed I want to listen to Meatloaf. I guess there must just be something about that music.

Its only 3pm here, but if feels like it should be 5. I normally come to work at 8:30 am. Today is one of those painfully slow days, where every hour feels like two. I should enjoy it, because when the schools start our call volume is going to hit the roof again. *sigh I just need a nap.

Oh well.


The Cranky One


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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.