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The Crappy Cow-irker of the day is - - - ME!!

02.02.02 @ 15:38
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Well today I became one of those annoying people if only for a short time. I woke up about noon, and was lazily in bed watching Alien Nation on AMC and checking diaries and email when a message from one of my coworkers pops up on the screen. "So are you comming". WTF I am thinking, I have today off, . "I am off today, arent' I?". "no you are supposed to be here at 1" I look at the clock it is about 1:15 at this time. "What, OMG, I'll be ther in about 1/2 hour" "I was waiting for you, I was going to call you". So I ran in the bathroom, attempted to reduce my hair's current state of medusa look alike ness, as I had been experimenting with braids last night, grab something to wear and run out the door. I hadn't even eaten yet, so I had to cruise thru the Golden Arches for somethign to eat, adn get to work at 1:46. Not too bad. Forutnately she was understanding. I take a look at this month's Saturday schedule on my desk and there I am a big as life, highlighted in Neon Yellow yet for todays 2nd shift. Well I feel totally dumb now, I am positive that wasn't there Friday. I think my brain decided to go to Austraila and left my body behind with no forwarding address.

Needless to say this puts a severe dent in my weekend plans. I was planning to go back and see LOTR this afternoon, as last time I went to it I had my son, who took frequent bathroom breaks when it got to some of the more intense parts. (I guess I should have read the book first, I would have known Warren wasn't quite ready for it. He didn't like it that much, I think he will like it better when he is a bit older). I am not sure, I may go see A Beautiful Mind, or Amelie I havne't decided. Or I may be productive and go home to clean my bathroom like I have been meaning to do for too long now. I also need to work on my living room and kitchen again. With kids constanly comming and going it is a never ending job. I swear if I ever hit the lottery, the first thing I do will be to hire a full time maid service. I am seriously domsestically impaired. (Fancy euphemism for blind and lazy.. and all around disorganized).

I also need to get Warren another hat. I don't get it. This year he has been great about his gloves, but I have no idea where his snow pants are, and he has lost not one, not two, not three, but FOUR, count them, FOUR hats. When the mercury is dipping into the negative numbers and you have to wait for a bus, they can be quite nice. I looked in Target and such, but decent ones are soo pricey, who the hell pays $5 or $6 for a lousy freaking hat. If I had any talent I could knit one for under $1 I am sure. IF I could knit that is.

Thank fully works has been beyond dead. The only call I have had was from our Fearless Leader who is in Sunny Downtown Oakland CA, with our client this week and next, and where our Lead Tech will be going on Monday. In some ways I am glad I am not Lead Tech. I could not ever take off a whole week to go to CA. I would love to, but with Warren and school and everything, there is no way I could ever get away. I think that is one of the things they took into account. As the top people in many of accounts need to be free to travel. Lead Tech is a bachelor, and Fearless Leader is married, but all her kids are grown up and on thier own.

So I have been spending the day Listening to MeatLoaf Cd's, reading Dark Journey (so far I like, only on chapter 4, good H&L FINALLY), and cruising the internet. Actually probably not that different from what I would be doing at home.

On the Warren front, I am really considering going back on the risperdol for him. He needs councseling more that anything. The situation with Mike and I is ripping him in half. Being male , his depression has a tendecny to come out as anger towards, me, Mike, himself and everyone. I am really worried about him right now. I am thinking of stopping the visites, but I am not sure if that is the right thing or not. Mike wants to try, he just is a big kid him self in a lot of ways. Its like he wants to be the big guy, and I know he loves his son, he just doesnt' think. He forgets how important moms and dads are to little boys and how impressionable they are. Its that much harder, because and angry, temper tantruming, yelling, child is much harder to hold and love, than a crying , sad clinging depressed one. I feel like he needs something more, but I don't know what the more is. Sometimes I think, I was wrong to keep my child. I should have put him up for adoption to a loving happy family where he might be much better off. But there are no guarantees, and I just was too selfish to let go. I couldnt' stand the thought of not knowing, or in the case of open adoption like one of my friends who I worked with a my previous job did when she was pregnant at 16) watching some one else be Mom and Dad, and making all the decisions for MY baby. And he is MY baby. He was concieved inside me, grew and devloped from me, was nourished by me, rocked to, read to (since he was inutero), by me, bonded tightest to me. We have a close relationship, sometimes too close and he is at that age again where he needs to form his own independence, and that is hard. He will always be my baby. When he is grown and has his own house and family and life, he will still be my baby.

"I love you forever, I like you for always, My baby you will always be"
. That book always makes me want to cry. I am sure I messed up the quote, but it is still one of the most beatiful things I have ever read. But he will never understand until he one day has his own little one. I didn't understand my parents till I became one. Now I see my mom in a whole different light. But when I was a kid, an adolecent and a teenager, it was my job to rebel, to be independant. I needed to form my own person. I come from my parents, but I am not them, I am me. Warren is not Mike or me, he comes from us and we are part of him, but he is Warren, he has a separate individual personality, his own opinions and ideas. He needs to find his owness. I need to start letting go more. I look at this young man in front of me, and I still see the little baby I nursed to sleep almost 10 years ago, I see the toddler who had a fondness for picking up pretty rocks and keeping them, I see the child whose first words were Mo-kile (motorcycle, Mike had one) and car-car. (not car car-car LOL). I see the little boy who was almost 4 before he finished toilet learning. I see the child who loves above all to have me read to him, a child whose favorite cartoons are Scooby-Doo, Tom & Jerry, and Bugs Bunny and Co. A child who wants to be Harry Potter, and and architect, and an engineer, and a scientist, but who hates school, and who has the brains to be any and all of the above. I see the confindant young boy, who can't risk embarassement by hugging or kissing his mom in front of anyone, but who at night needs to snuggle by his mommy and have his back rubbed and his head scratched. I see a littel boy whose best friends include a skinny litte cat, who is afraid of her own shadow, and two neighbor kids.

Some day I will look and I hope to see a man with in all of that. But right now I worry. With his family history and his emotional problems, adolesence will be a mine field of temptation. His father couldn't make it out, I came out scarred, what will happen to him. I am satisfied with the elementary school he has, but what about middle school, what about high school. I am hoping by then I will have the money to send him possibly to a private school. I know the world will be everywhere but can one blame me for wanting to hide him from it. Believe me when I say the breast vs bottle and the cloth vs. convience debates are nothing compared what comes down the road. It is the love and the bond that one has with one's child that will make the difference, not what kind of diaper he wore, or if he ever tasted a rubber nipple. (he never did either in case anyone is wondering. he had maybe two bottles in his life, I fed him from my body till he was 3 years and something..).

When he was a baby I used to think of when he was older and we could talk and do things, and what I would do, and how much easier it would be. Well its not any easier. Its just as hard if not harder. I will never stop worrying. I am 32 with a mortgage, a car, a career and a kid. My mom still worries about me. If my grandparents were alive, I think they would still look at my parents and worry about them. I don't think parenthood ever ends, it simply changes and evolves.

Where did that come from ?? I guess when I start free forming stream of conciousness, my brain doesn't know when to turn itself off.


Prequels ~ Sequels

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~*~Have you read these~*~

~ Ode to a child who is no more ~
~ She's baaack ~
~ testing ~
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~ Bleech ~

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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.