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Mama knows best

10.10.01 @ 19:32
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I didn't get to update yesterday cause I was busy playing nurse mommy. Warren woke up with a fever and was definately comming down with the flu or something. So I had to stay home from work (*not necessarily a bad thing). He slept a large part of the day, but as his fever seemed to be cycling there were periods were he was feeling rather okay. He did manage to eat allright. And of course as if right on cue come 3pm he was on a feeling better cycle and since all his buddies were now home from school, he wanted to go outside and play. Naturally I was rather opposed to this idea. He wakes up with a fever close to 102 and is getting out of breathe from a walk to the bathroom. Some how the idea of sending him out to play in almost freezing weather just doesn't sound like quite what the doctor would order. This naturally led to the belief that I am the most evil mother on the planet, and that I am intentionally setting out to make his life miserable and I can't stand to see him happy. It took 45 minutes of arguing and creative bargaining but I finally got him calmed down and managed to keep him in. The fact that his fever went back up again and he was tired may have had something to do with it. I also found myself having more most unusual conversations.

Warren:"If you let me go out, I'll take out the garbage for a whole year"
Me: "How bout I keep you inside and you still take the garbage out"
Warren:"then I won't take the garbage out at all"
Me:"Thats okay I've been taking it out this long, I will keep on doing it"
Warren:"If you don't let me go outside I won't take care of you when you are old and I wont' come to visit you and you will be all alone"
Me:"No I won't I'll be in the home with the other little old ladies, who wouldn't let their 8 year olds play outside when they had the flu".

Right now I am watching Enterprise. This episode appears to be some kind of cross between "Shore Leave" and "The Naked Time". Am I the only one to notice some conspiracy that all Starship crews must go thru some barrier removing bonding crisis. *sigh o well.

I also was a little miffed at the beginning when they all seemed to be playing gang up on the Vulcan. porr T'Pol. Good thing Vulcans don't care about such human things. I kinda like her, even if she does have a bit of a supiority complex, and I still think the Vulcans are hiding things from us at this point. But that is just me. I also wish it came on at 8pm instead of 7pm. This means on Wednesday nights I have to choose between Commander Riker (Jonathon Frakes) and Captain Archer (Scott Bakula). There are worse decisions I am sure, but I have so little joy in my life. Since TNN brought back TNG, it has been like I have been rediscovering an old friend I had forotten I missed. Maybe its just all the goings on in the world right now, that has me wanting to bury myself in a time and place where people have moved beyond that sort of thing.

I am also feeling a little mixed up in some emotions of my own. (Vulcans are lucky they've figured out how to control thier emotions, while I sadly seem to be controlled by mine). A friend of mine is having some serious personal issues. I feel so bad for her, but at the same time, wonder how much of it it brought on by choices. Not hers (though to some extent), but also those of the people she chooses to make a part of her life. I am no one to be in a position to judge anyone, lord knows I have made so many mistakes I could right an encyclopedia to list them all. I am a single mother of an 8 year old. I have NEVER been married and I lived with his father for 8 years. I was pregnant by him with in 2 months of knowing him. I put up with a lot of bad treatment and other bad behavior by him. I put up with a lot of really bad things, that a stronger person would not have put up with. Maybe I learned something, maybe I have become the other extreme. I have become hyper independent. I will never again be totally dependant on another person, as that limits ones freedom, and some how feels less to me. I am sure some people may disagree with me on this and that is fine. I am not saying all moms should work out side of the home, far from it. I am saying that one should have an education and the ability to support one self, before one settles down and has kids. That way if heavan forbid the unthinkable happens, or if the person turns out to be totally not what you thought or expected you are not under thier dependance. You are able to do what you have to do and move on . I have become a person who will now not tolerate certain things, no excuses, no second chances no nothing period end of discussion. The first time some on hurts me by physical means, by being disloyal, by disrespecting me etc.. is the last time. I realize people make mistakes and in the heat of anger we have all said things that we didnt' mean. That is different. I am not talkng about an arguemnt with a friend that got out of hand. I mean people that I am supposed to be able to depend on and if they dont treat me with respect and follow thru with thier end of the bargain that is it. I am woman hear me roar, in numbers too big to ignore. Being away from Mike was very hard at first. I felt guilty, I felt sorry for him, I missed him, I still loved him. But then I realized that for the first time in ages, I was not in fear. I could come and go as I wanted. My money was Mine an I didn't have to consult anyone about how to budget it. I didn't get made fun of for what I like. I din't have some one running around behind my back. And do you know what. I felt free. I felt like a prisoner who just got reprieved from a life sentence. There was life out there, and it was mine for the taking. It was scary as hell at first. If something happened to the plumbing, or to the car, or a daycare issue came up I was on my own., But then as I dealt with these things I felt even better about my self. I was able to cope, and much better than Mike ever thought I would. I was strong and capable, I am a Lion. The only difference between the me that is know an the me that was then is that this me likes myself. That me was desparate for love and was willing to sell her soul for the chance to delude herself in to feeling loved and special. The me that is now, will never be sold out again. The next man, (if indeed there is a next man) who has access to my heart and my bed will have to earn the right and the privledge, and amoung the tasks I will require a commitmant and proof that he cares about something much more than his own needs. This is just me. But I fully believe that as long as one is breathing one can change one's beliefs and ones ways of thinking. But this has to be a personal thing, that something another person can make you do. The me I used to be, would always ask, "what is wrong with me" whenever someone was mean or didn't like me. Now I ask myself "what is wrong with them.". I still have days where I feel like a dust bunny small, insignificant, and easily moved away at the whim of the world. But I am working on moving past it. I still find Mike a physical turn on, but he is soo bad for me, that no matter what there is no way I would ever allow myself to go back to that. I am only going to try to move forward. If that is three steps forward adn two steps back, well then I am still moving ahead by one step at a time. I am also teaching my son, how women like to be treated, something his future partners I am sure will appreciate. I hope.

I guess I have become a bit more conservative lately. I am still a political anomaly, but thats okay. I dont believe in labels or parties. I believe in what my heart says is right or wrong, irregardless of what group does or does not support it. I am too liberal to belong to any conservative group (maybe know that Rush is deaf he will shut up!!) but I am also too conservative to belong to any of the liberal groups (somethings are just wrong, they always have been and they always will be, the time to make your "choice" is before not after. Before there is just you , after there is a whole nother life at stake). I have looked a little bit, and have yet to find a viewpoint that accurately decribes my belief system. Which is not suprising. I believe that woman are the intellectual, phycological, and spiritual equal of a man, but that we are different in some very important ways, not better or worse just different. I believe that staying home or working out of the home should be a personal choice, but that the kids should come first, not the summer home by the lake. I believe that one parent should stay home while the kids are small, but that it doesnot necessarily have to be the mom and that every family should do what they feel right for them. I believe that taking a human life for any reason out side of defensing of ones self or others is wrong. I do not believe one human has the right to ever decide who does and doesn't have the right to live. I believe that there is a Superior Being at work in the universe, that ther is a God but that the evil in the world is the result of mans free choice turning to what is best for himself/herself instead of what is best for all. That evil exists because it presents a quick and easy path, that many for one reason or another find attractive. I believe that when starvation, facism, desperation etc are gone and people no longer feel persectured they will not feel the types of emotions that lead them to follow the ultimate evils such as Hitler or Bin Laden, in to commiting atrocious acts against human kind. I aslo believe that often we are forced to make decisions which we would much rather not have to make, and that sometimes we have to just listen to our gut and our heart, and that only time will tell if we did the right thing, and sometimes we may never know. There were those who protested the US involement in virtually every confict the US has been involved in . Pacifism is nothing new, it is as old as war. It is a good idea, but sadly not something I think the human race is yet ready for. Bin Laden is not a force that can be bargained with or treatied with. He is very much another Hitler. Unless he is stopped, he will not quit until he has his way. He is a coward with a large group to protect him and a large underground network only too happy to do his bidding. Most of these people are following him for the same reason many Germans followed Hitler. They feel hurt and angry and are desparate and are looking to anyone who will make promisises of what they want to hear. It matters not that many suffer and die, because they are not of the "chosen". Laden is using the same tactics Hitler used. ONly instead of focusing on the Jews as a scapegoat to blame everything on, as a common enemy as it were, Bin Laden is using all who support freedom and choice as a scapegoat, basically he is targetig anyone who doesn't follow his partituclar "cult" version of Islam. We who do not hide behind his 10,000 rules and treat females as personal property are a threat to him. As long as we exist, there will be a better alternative than what he is offering and many will not follow him because they can look at us and see a better way. By us I don't mean just the US, but any land where there is freedom of choice and where all people have rights. The US is just his main target because we are the largest, wealthiest and most powerful. (though to be honest I think other countries have some better philosphies on some things such as medical care, and welfare but ....). He is trying to take out Pappa Bear first, so that it will be a little easier to go after Momma bear and all the little baby bears. The Taliban may claim that thier beliefs are based in Islam teachings, but this is a ruse. They are nothing but a new breed of Nazi, same song differnet verse. That is just my two cents take it or leave it. I am more than happy to daebate any issue. I am sick of pussyfooting around. Although I did a little bit earlier in my entry because I dont' believe in comming out and saying.. hey so- and so you really ought to xyx, when so and so isnt aksing for my personal opinion. Having been in a similiar position my self 8 years ago, I refused to listen to reason of any one who cared also. So I keep my mouth shut and don't give advice when I am not asked.

I would like to make a quick comment to My friend Tam. I know you were very mad, when you made your last few entries, adn that they had nothing to do with me. However I would like to say one thing, and please don't take this the wrong way, I don't want to have you mad at me. I do take a very strong offense to the term "mental defectives". I have a brother who is borderline mentally retarted. I have worked with special needs kids often, and my own son is on medication for behavioral issues and is dealing with some learning issues. He is quite intelligent, but learns differnetly.. There are some people who may be retarded adn also mean, such as your uncle, but the vast majority are not. They do not need to be judged or condemned because of something they cannot control. They have every right to live and enjoy the same things we do. they are people, to treat then as anything else is no different than racism or gay bashing in my book. In fact some of them are quite remarkable people, who while they may not be as smart as us, can actually teach us quite a bit. I am sorry for the way your uncle treated you, that was wrong, and he probably should have been put in a home to protect you from him. But you can not judege an entire group of people because of the actions of one. Many pedophiles are men, but not all men are pediophiles. Many crimes are commited by people of color, but NOT all people of color are criminals, far from it. I am sure you didnt mean any harm, but that really hurt my feelings. It is one of the issues I am very sensitive on, for many different reasons. I don't plan to get into this again. You are still my friend adn a wonderful person. I hope this never comes between us.

The Cranky (and exhausted) one.

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Mini-Bio

In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.

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