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Phone calls from the edge

02.07.03 @ 23:40
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I talked to Mike tonight. I swear that man's main goal in life is to torment me. Of course he was all holier than thou, and I don't know anything, and then had the nerve to suggest that being a junkie didn't make him a bad father. Hello!!?!?! Could you repeat that, my ears just fell out. Last time I checked, sobriety was indeed a requirement for competant parenting. Then he talked to Warren. I didn't get the whole conversation, but after it, he had Warren in tears. He is lucky he is behind bars.. I want to kill him.

But at the same time I am in some wierd mood. I can't explain it. I am pissed as hell, and mad at him. Yet some part of me, actually feels bad for the dipshit. I can't explain it. He talks about C*, and one end he tells me I don't know what I am talking about and then makes me feel like and idiot. Then he asks Warren when he is going to see C* so she can help him write a letter to Mike. WTF?? I talk to her, she wants nothing to so with him. But Mike is under a totally different delusion. I don't know what to think. I am so wanting to be rid of him, yet ina wierd way could I be jealous of something that doesn't even exist. I wish I could explain what I feel. I have an apt with Tracy tommorrow. Maybe she can make head or tails out of my brain. I sure can't.

Maybe part of me just wishes he would own up, and make amends. Though after ten years I have heard it all, and I don't believe a word of it. Which may be why he doesn't bother. He's knows I know better. I want him to hurt like Warren and I hurt. I want him to be down and to feel like this. I want him to walk a mile in the shoes he's forced me to wear.

I don't know what is best for Warren to sever all ties completely until he straightens out, if he ever does. Or to just deal with it. Which also scares the shit out of me.I hate him, I don't want anything to do with him, I wish all sorts of evil on him, and yet, some part of me, some deep strange, masochistic, psychotic part of me actually still has feelings for him. He has lied to me, abused me, made me feel like garbage, taken advantage of me, used me, humiliated me, and left me with all the care of raising Warren. I think some part of my brain, must have been damaged when I was born, maybe when I got stuck between teh crib bars that time as a toddler, the lack of oxygen did something to my brain. I don't know what else could explain it.

Right now I need to figure out how to get in to my garage. He has my key, and wont' give it back, because "there is nothing of yours in that garage" Fuckity fuck. Its my GODDAMNFUCKINGGARAGEYOUFUCKINGMORON, what don't you understand. I wish I knew a cheap locksmith. He is probably scared because he knows I need the money and if I have to hock some of his shit, than so be it.

I have to get up too early for my appt with Tracy tommorrow. (my Councilor). I can't think straight anymore. Good night.


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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.