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...If Only.....

2001-05-15 @ 12:08 p.m.
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If only.. If only.. the saddest words I know..

If only I was a better daughter, if only I was a better mother.. if only if only..

If only I told him I loved him before he died, if only he hadn't died.... if only if only...

If only I was closer to my mom, if only she accepted me the way I am..

If only I didn't resent my brother, if only I didnt' feel so guilty because he is "special" if only if only..

If only I had a better job, if only I made more money.. if only if only

If only I had left sooner..If only I had stayed away the first time..

If only I was smarter, thinner, happier.. If only I accepted my self better...

If only I didn't blame my self for Warren's problems, if only I had done things differently...

If only the child support check would come, if only I made more money, if only I was better at managing what I do have.. if only if only...

If only if only.. I think that "if only" are the saddest words in the English language..

Yes I am feeling rather depressed right now.. Like you haven't figured that out.. hehe..

I managed to come up with the 60 bucks for my daycare provider yesterday.. today I get to go to court again.. not something I am looking foreward to..

Tommorrow Warren has his physical, its only been three months to get in.. Its the same ped that WArren has had since he was two weeks old.. it used to be so easy to get into him, now that he is the Dr. Spock of Fargo Moorhead he is harder to get into than Ft.Knox. Dr. Ron Miller is a great Pediatrician, but if you ask me they guy spreads him self way too thin.. I dont' want another pediatrician, but I also dont want to wait forever for an appoint even if it isnt an emergency..

Everything seems rather dark right now, but I know the light will soon come out. It always does.....eventually..

If only if only.. I hadn't made such a mess of things.. *sigh....


the not so jolly Holly


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Daily Dumbass:
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~*~Have you read these~*~

~ Ode to a child who is no more ~
~ She's baaack ~
~ testing ~
~ Facebook me ~
~ Bleech ~

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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.