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Guilty as charged

05.03.03 @ 10:29
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Warren's test went off with out a hitch this morning. He did very good, and fortunately we had a great technician who clearly understands kids, and was more than willing to explain to Warren exactly what was happening, what he was doing and why. I won't know any results for 2-5 days, but at least that is over with. Poor Warren couldn't even stay awake for breakfast when we got home. He was very cranky, but I don't blame him. If I had been awake for 24 hours straight I would be grouchy too, as would anyone. Right now he is sound asleep on the couch.

My big job interview is a little over 2.5 hours away. I put a load of tidey whitey's and other unmentionables in the wash only to discover we are out of laundry soap. OF ALL the FREAKING DAYS!! I had just barely enough, I also added some oxi-clean and fortunately I have my beloved front loading Swedish dream machine with variable temperature control so by cranking the water tempature up to max (just short of boiling), that should kill any litter critters and make them presentable. I still need to take a shower, and figure out what I am going to do with my hair. The office culture is casual dress, but somehow I think I need to be a little over dressed for the interview. I hate that part. Any one who knows me, knows I am so NOT at home in dressy clothes. I hate them. I tend to view nylons as evil tools of the devil. I have not worn heels in over 5 years, and I have worn a dress once in 10 years. If I had to work in an office where I could not wear jeans, or khaki's I think I would go certifiyable. But seeing how a Mt. Dew t-shirt and pair of faded jeans just won't cut it. I had to go get my lovely dressy black pants, that are sort of herringbone, and my black body suit, with my black blazer, which I love but almost never wear. I also need to dig my loafers out, as worn out tennies just won't cut it.

I am so nervous about this. Its weird. Usually the less I really try on a job interview the better I do. When I try to hard, that is usually when I blow it. So I am trying to deep breathe and relax. At least my period is over.

Things are also looking up with Warren. (cant' say the same about his father, but so what else is new Some people just refuse to grow up and take responsibility for themselves, especially addicts). It isn't enough to say things are all better, but we are at the point now where we just need to see if he can maintain it on a daily basis. I don't feel so bad, and I know I am not a failure. I had my epiphany yesterday when I found out that *moody* who is a fellow patient at hte partial and also when Warren was in inpatient was back in in patient. I met her mother once and this kid also clearly has a very concerned mother. It finally hit me. With our genes, even under the best of circumstances Warren would have had problems. I read about other parents in good happy marriages who are also dealing with childrens mental health problems. I know I have been doing the best I could for my son, with the rescources I had. I put Warren's needs ahead of my own, and that is all anyone can ask. I need to work on my own issues, but Mike's problems are his own problems not a reflection on me. Warren's issues are not fair, but life has never been fair adn if it can happen to other people then it can happen to me. Somebody has to be "other people". I still feel down alot, but I have a much better acceptance of things.

I also feel that much of this credit goes to some very wonderful people here on diaryland who left some very wonderful words in my guestbook, as well as a friend who isn't on diaryland, that righly pointed out that I am letting my guilt cripple my decision making process. In a weird way this experience has helped me understand my mom and my brother in whole new way. I can see now how my mom blamed herself for Milo being the way he was, and how she felt she needed to protect him and be his voice. She didn't do it to me on purpose, but parental guilt and blame are powerful emotions that can lead parents to do all kinds of things, and look for answers any where they can. If something is wrong with my child, then some one or something has to be to blame. I was too old, young, I didbn't eat write, I set the wrong example, I should/shouldn't have had him immunized, this diet, that diet, etc.. Sometimes they are right and they find the key adn are able to make a difference. As sometimes a diet or a medication can actually make a difference for some kids, other times it doesn't make a difference and its just one more attempt to fix a child who needs to just be accepted as he/she is. But in order to do this , we as parents need to make peace with our selves. We have to let go of the dreams WE had for them, adn embrace them and what they dream of. My child is not an extension of me, he is a separate person. A total individual who has his own ideas, beliefs and tastes. Accepting a child who is "different" is almost like a mourning process. It means we have to let go of the "what ifs" and the "if onlys". And accept some cold hard reality. Our kids were not given to us, to full fill our needs, we were given to them to take care of thier needs until they reach the age where they can take care of them themselves.

All to often it is too easy for the line between parent and child to get blurred or erased. When they come in to the world they are totally helpless and depend on us for everything. We love them and are happy, if not totally sleep deprived, to provide that. This creates a very powerful bond and often it is not easy to let go of this bond when the child becomes more independant. We know what is out there, and how scary the world can be. The bond makes us instinctively want to protect our kids, and when we can't we feel guilty and when something bad happens we can't just accept it, we need to channel our anger, often with the blame game. While it can be positive and lead to some good changes, such as a mother who's child is injured making sure it never happens to another child, it can also cripple us and make that bond go in to overdrive as we are fueled in to wanting to protect our kids to the point of overkill which only backfires. Where does the line lay? That is the trickiest question, Every parent, every kid (even two with the same problems) is different, every relationship is different, even between a mother and her two kids as they are different people and react differently. I wish I knew the answer, but then if I did I wouldn't be living in Fargo docutmenting my life on Diaryland. I would run for office and fix the world. The best we can do is acknowldege the true source of our emotions and admit them out loud. It is the only way to move on and accept our different kids for the people they are and not the people we wanted them to be.


Prequels ~ Sequels

Daily Dumbass:
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~*~Have you read these~*~

~ Ode to a child who is no more ~
~ She's baaack ~
~ testing ~
~ Facebook me ~
~ Bleech ~

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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.