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Like a rubber ball... I come bouncing..

27.09.01 @ 22:29
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Warren's dentist appointment started off a disaster, but it soon turned to good. When we get there, I find out it is for both of us. I must have somehow forgotten that little detail. They wanted to take me in first and then shortly there after take Warren in to another room to do his. (Routine cleaning etc...) Well that didnt' go over, Warren didn't want to wait in the waiting room. So after I went back he had a minor meltdown. After I had my x-rays I had to go to the car and talk to him. It took some doing but I finally got him to come back in. Once they got him in the chair and started he was fine. His x-rays were wonderful, too bad I can't say the same about mine. I have lots of drilling to look forward to. Just my luck. So we both had our teeth cleaned and floridated and checked out. They are a little concerned about the space between Warren's two front teeth, though it is mainly cosmetic. It appears to be the result of an over tight muscle running between his upper lip and his gum line, that little ridge thing. They can fix it, if it gets to be a problem later, but right now its mostly a non issue. My teeth are better, but I definately have some trouble spots that need filling in. I also need a crown, that I can't possibly afford right now.

Warren's Cub Scout meeting was great. The boys were a bit hyper, but pretty much normal for 2nd grade boys. LOL. Tonight was mostly an informational meeting anyway. Mainly just to try and get all our poop in the same group so to speak. There are only about 5 boys, six of the one who was missing shows up. Popcorn sales have also started, Warren has his heart set on some of the larger prizes, so that means hitting up everyone I know LOL.. He can't wait. He is so eager and I so want to see him succeed. He cant' wait to start earning patches. I think it will be wonderful for his self esteem to start accomplishing something and be rewarded for his effort. Most of the projects are things that the boys do at home with their parents. He even said he wants to be and Eagle Scout.. He has many years of hard work ahead of him before he can get to that point. I think most Eagle Scouts are around the 16-18 year old range, but I think it is still a great dream to shoot for. If he wants it bad enough and is willing to do the work, I am sure going to make sure I am behind him all the way. And if by some chance, someday he did make it, I would be the one at the front of the audience cheering the loudest.. It would also same something about "single mothers". I could really rub some noses in it.. LOL.. Right now I just plan on concentrating on the here and now. There are tons of things we can do together, and it sounds like for once Mike might even be willing to work with us on this. I dont' know how long it will last, but I hope it keeps up. I think Cub Scouting will do wonders for Warren.

I think I am starting to switch over in to a manic phase. I can feel the changes happening inside me. I am mostly able to control it, but its getting harder. Today in the car, I got so irratible and Cranky, that I blew up at Warren for no good reason. I am so irratable lately. Its like everything is an intrusion. I have a strange urge to answer the phone by screaming "What, already" or something equally rude. I dont' of course, but I can tell that my carefully concealed annoyance does occasionally sneak thru. Tongight at Scouts I had to work extra hard to be even and decent. I just feel like snapping at everything. I have an urge to just not want to go anywhere or deal with anything, interuptions are becomming capitol offenses. I also feel that over hyperness comming every morning. It takes a couple hits of the snooze alarm to get me up, but then I am bouncing around like one of those balls you get in the bubble gum machine. I can't sit still at work, I can't keep my mind focused. If I am on a call and the Sonic/Clark/White Hen group behind me are talking, or other noise is going on, even plugging my ears I still have a very hard time getting what the caller is telling me. On a "normal" day it is not a problem, right now I am so distracted, and it just irritates the snot out of me. I am so sick of appologizing to Warren. He understands because I have tried to explain to him, that sometimes mommy's brain gets a little off and needs some help to get straight again. That I need to take special medicine to keep my brain working right, the same way diabetics need to take insulin to keep their digestion working correctly. But it is still not fair.. I think it is time for some more visualization. I picture my illness as a big ugly fire breathing dragon and I am fighting it back with a sword and my intelleigence... Is it goofy? Well yes maybe it is a rather odd image. But, it does seem to help alot, its not a cure by any stretch, I will in all likely hood deal with this the rest of my life, but it does give me some power, and in a wierd way it does make a difference. Its like admitting that I am in a battle, that while I am in charge, I am also ill and that I can't control everything. I think it is also helping me to see what is because of my illness, and what isn't. I am actually starting to see that alot of my moodiness is from my illness, not from a bad day, or because of something some one did or didnt do. All things I used in the past as an excuse for my behavior, because I didnt know why I felt so "weirded out" sometimes. I just knew I was cranky and angry, at no one and at everyone. Yes I was definately not an easy person to live with, bi polar people are often very hard to get along with, even when you know about their illness and make allowances for it. That isnt to say it excuses bad behavoir. I prefer to look at it this way. Manic depression is an explanation for my behavior , not an excuse. I am still responsible for my actions, no matter how much I would like to hide from some of the consqences. I may be in debt for ever, but I know it is my debt and some day it will have to be paid. I am working on it, but... The first step was the hardest admitting I had a problem, but once I got past that it was like I was free. I finally had a reason for my wierd unexplainable moods, my sudden abrubt mood swings, my hyperness followed by cant get out of bed ness. Once I knew who my demon was, I could set out and do battle. It was like having the door to my prison cell opened adn I was now able to equip my self with education and meds to go do battle.

In a wierd way, just talking about this seems to be helping. I think this journal is doing a lot of good towards helping me. I make no appologies, I write what I am.. it is a great catharsis for getting out what I am feeling and thinking. Many times I will start off writing about one thing and then just suddenly my fingers will start on about something else. Just free forming to what ever thought wants to come out to the light.

I am soo pissed also that I completely forgot about Enterprise last night. Ugh.. S* taped it so I am hoping if I am really nice she will let me borrow it. Tommorrow I start hinting. LOL

time to go catch up on e-mail and then I got to get some sleep. Tommorrow is gonna be another long hectic day.


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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.