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What do you think you are, some kind of Jedi....

03.05.02 @ 21:14
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Just a short I'm still alive, entry. Lucky me eh?/

Stayed home from work and slept all day. Did't feel like doing much else, my head was (or at least felt like) the size of a very big watermelon. Yesterday I had a donut for breakfast with a mt. Dew and a rootbeer float (curtiousy of the "lets make our employees fat" conspiracy at work) for lunch. I ate most of the knepfla soup and salad for supper. Wherever my mind was it wasn't in my body. I'm not exactly a health nut am I? I'm amazed I can remember my own name these days.

Mike is "between jobs" yet again. He didnt' want to talk about what happened this time, and frankly I don't give a damn. I got a check today, for $138, but its something. I was able to pay child care, get Warren a hair cut. (He wanted no guard, I made him have at least one guard. He looks like he's ready for basic, not ready to join the skin heads like he wanted it to look. Sorry 8 is just to young for the Kojack look. ) I can't believe the amount of hair he had. But now its nice and buzzed so I won't have to fight to get him to wash and comb it. And no more bed head look in the morning. One of the nice things about boys. No hair issues. Just take a clippers and zzzzzzzzz bye bye hair problems. After gettting his hair done, we went to the food court. He opted for Subway. (he could live at Subway) and I experimented with some Japanese noodley stuff at Koya. I am sure it was rather Americanized, more so than authentic Japanese, but good none the less. A little heavy on the soy for me, but okay. Most of it is still in my fridge, as I just wasnt' that hungry. Then we stopped at BDaltons. I gave in to temptation and bought the novelization for AOTC. I keep saying I won't read it. But I have already read Chapter 1. Bad Holly, bad Holly!! I also looked thru the comic book real quick and saw something I wish I hadn't. I wont' spoil it for you, but I didnt' want to know that ****** and ***** are ******* at the end. Oh well. Now too find a purple lightsaber before 5-16-02. I've become obbsessed with it. Mace is soo cool. Don't ask why, I have no idea.

After Wasted Acres, we came home and then Mike came over and didn't even bother knocking. After about 30 minutes of the ususal shit, Warren went to Mike's for the weekend. Another weekend alone. Oh joy. I like the free time, but I miss my boy so much. Especially right now.

I am not going to think about things to come. I must just enjoy the minutes now. One minute, one hour, one day at a time. Its all I can handle. I am to overwhelmed. I dug myself a hole, and I am burying myself in it.

The fact that it was *Oscar's* (not his real name, for the sake of privacy) funeral today only worsened it.. He was 36, and left behind a wife and two young children (both under 12) to pick up the pieces that he couldn't handle. I wonder if in his state he realized what he was doing to them. How they will be haunted forever, and will always be asking why, and was it my fault and why couldn't I stop it.

Life can be sucky beyond belief at times. Everyone over the age of puberty knows that. I have been at the brink of ending my own pain permanently many times. The only thing, besides pure tenacity, that kept me from going thru with it were a) fear of the unknown, and b)knowing what it would do to those left behind, especially now that I am a mother. I know what it is like to hurt so bad, that the only thing appealing is a complete absense of feeling, but my guardian angel must be working overtime, because somehow I was always able to get thru and move on. Sometimes weirdly as it sounds, I was actually mad at my loved ones, becaue I knew it was worry over them that kept me from popping the pills or driving off the road. A bizarre twisted "if it wasn't for you I would be free to die with a clean conscience" kinda of anger. I dont' feel that way right now, but if I had only known him better, known what he was going thru I could have offered a hand. My cube neighbor is also having a hard time. His wife is Bipolar, (though he doesn't know about me, I suspect he could figure it out from some of what I have said. I know too much one might say) And she goes thru periods of suicidalness at least 2 times a year. He was at verge of tears on Wed when the councilors were here.

It also puts other things in to perspective. Yes I have some bad times ahead, but I dug myself the hole, I will get out. (My life would make a great Lifetime movie. Cameryn Manehiem can dye and cut her hair to play me in a classic woman hits bottom and climbs to the top movie 0'the week.) But I will get thru it, it will make me stonger. They say God only throws us what we can handle, but I am begininig to think the Big Guy need to look up the concept of too much. I will face my demons like a woman, not a wuss. (though inside I would prefer to crawl in to the back of the closet and never come out, I can't let that show). Bravery is not a lack of fear, it is going on despite one's fear. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering (and the dark side). I will not let my fear lead me down the path to Vaderville. (I love the sound of that word, I read it in a magazine some where. Vaderville, Vaderville vaderville, what oh yeah). Though somedays it is very tempting. I am only 32, I have a good 50 years left in me, if I am lucky. Maybe more. My great uncle died on his 100th Birthday. Of course he also had a shot of aquavite (sp?? Swedish liquor from hell) every morning for breakfast, so he was already pre-embalmed.

Toodles. I am off to NOT read the AOTC book.

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Mini-Bio

In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.

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