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No Where to Go..But Up

2001-07-12 @ 9:45 p.m.
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Greetings from the land of the lost. My diary entries havent been as frequent lately as they used to be.. I guess my life is just too much for me to handle right now.. I am tired of living under constant stress, is it any wonder that I am looking in the mirror only to see a shadow of my mother staring back.. It all started with my damn hair.. it is turning in to moms hair.. I loved my long thick wavy hair.. now it is a fine graying tangly disaster.. I hate it everytime I pass a mirror I just want to break into tears.. I normally dont care about such silly superficial things but my hair has always been one of hte few important parts of my appearance to me. I had always sworn I would have long hair forever and now my own body is betraying me.. Ugh... Life is soo not fair, and any one who says other wise is either and idiot or a con artist.

I guess I am starting to feel freer here to talk about what is actually going on in my life.. Maybe by venting I may actually be able to cope. there are only two RL people who actually know about this diary and they pretty much know about and understand most of this anyway.. and some how like me inspite of myself.. Its nice to have a place where I can talk about living life as a bi-polar person raising a kid alone and not be condemed or pitied (at least no one has had the nerve to say anything to me.) or looked at like I am going to go off or like I am a freak or something.. Manic depression is a disease it does not mean that I am going to go off an blow people awayu the next time I have a bad day.. (except maybe in fantasy...)It is the only place I dont have to keep my disease a secret.. Thankfully at least I havent' had to have the condemation of the not so"right" right wing because I managed to do everything backwards or not at all in the case of a certain little size 9 round and made of gold issue.. I met my now ex, when I was 22, almost 23, he was just 31.. (yes that is correct, you do the math I already know we are 7 years and 4 mos appart, I have had that shoved in my face by him for 9 years now). I met him July 19, 1992 (the reason I remember this will soon be all too clear), by Sept or Oct I found out I was pregnant.. Februatry I lost my job (which was a sucky job for a sucky company ..) March he moved in to my apt.. June 20 1993 I gave birth to the most beautiful, stubborn, intelligent creative, red haired freckle nosed, boy I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.. Yes I have heard it all, Yes I moved fast, no I don't consider my self "that kind of girl" what ever the Hell "that" is supposed to mean.. and no I do not sleep around or engage in one night stands.. I honestly thought Mike loved me.. I was young lonely, he was older good looking and paid attention to me, acting like I mattered.. He stood up for me *then. and made me feel valued.. If only I knew then when I know now.. she says with perfect hindsight.. who know... as Garth Brooks would say to mis phrase.." I might have missed the pain, but I would have also missed the dance". and as awful as things were at times.. If I hadn't made the choices I did I wouldnt' have the life I am building now.. As stressful and bad as it is, it has been much worse, and if things go the way the are right now I have the chance to make things much better.. Good or Bad I believe everything happens for a reason, even if we may never know the answer to why.. I made the choices then, because Warren was meant to be.. That boy has a future I just know it. there is something special there, and I have an awesome responsibilty that is at times extremely overwheleming.. The experience has also changed me. I am not nearly as shy and wimpy as I used to be.. when I was little I was so bashful I would hide from company if I didnt' know them.. and often refuse to talk in public.. now I talk to strangers for a living and You better believe I will stand up for my self and fight back..(just ask the stupid magazine people I purposely went off and now htey all leave me the hell alone.. YES!! Bitchyness can have its benifits.) If I can survive this I can survive anything..

I went to court yesterday.. Yes!! 20 Our Fathers adn 10 Hail Mary's later, I walked out with community service and a lecture (and a fine but I can make payments on that..). I feel like I was given a special chance.. but I wish I had other choices..If there is ever a next time, it will be bad, very very bad.. I feel like a rotten little kid defying her parents, but I just dont' see what other choice I have. Wed I go talk tothe Restore people about the community service.. thats gonna cost me 40 bucks I dont' have, but it beats the hell out of the alternative..

I got a letter from Partnership.. They said they were putting me on inactive status.. what the hell.. I just applied and then they never get back to me until almost two months later to tell me I am on incactive status. Hello, what the poodoo is going on.. I need some help here please.. My worker with the self sufficiency program said she has another client who is getting similiar treatment.. Tommorrow I am going to ss on lunch to talk toDebbie about help with utilities. I hope I hope.. time for more Hail Marys. (You can take girl out of the Church, but the Church never leaves the girl.) I haven't touched my check book (except for the 4th of July weekend.. ouch Me bad) so I think I may be finally straightended out.. Now comes the bad part.. I have to force my self to face up to the consquences of my actions.. I am entering the Normal to hyper mature phase of my mood cycle.. I hate this part.. I never want to deal with things... that is my biggest issue.. I have always let things slide and they just kinda took care of them selves.. Not the way to live, but I am working on it.. till get in my hyper manic I dont give a damn deal with it later phase, followed by my What the hell did I do, crawl n bed and cant' cope phase followed my normal out adn fix the mess I made phase.. which doesn't seem to last long enough.. I really need to make anothyer pdoc appointment and try changing my meds.. I need a good anti depressant, but I will not use the wellbutrin anymore, it make me high, and jittery and feeling like I just drank two dozen extra dark expressos.. and since it is so expensive I have been not taking the depakote the way I should either. bu with that and my Claritan soon needing a refill. (my most expensive .. my share is over 50 bucks for 30 pills) and when my refills run out, BC wont' cover it any more, so needless to say they are worth more to me than gold durning allergy season.

I had another meeting with Heather from the Self sufficiency program.. we worked on a budget.. it all looks so neat and easy on paper, why can't it be that simple for real.. I guess cause paper doesn't take into account the Human factor.. She is also going to talk to another lady about helping me with my Mortage, and I may get some help from my mom also.. (I feel like such a charity case, I hate this, but I will over come, I mean I got off welfare, got a degree and got out of that damn deli, I can do this too.. as the little engine said.. I think I can I think I can.. I know I can I know I can... ).. The trouble is I have to keep on keepin on one I get straight, eventually there will be no one to bail me out..

Mom is comming this weekend.. I have cleaned part of the house, but I still have Warrens room and the living room.. I have part of Monday off, adn I got someone to work for me this weekend.. In spite of it all, Wes is definately my vote for supervisor of the year.. Of everyone I have ever worked for he is definately my favorite, not only is he the most laid back easy going guy I know , he is too hot for his own good.. Meow!! And since my mom is not a neat freak, but a super neat freak.. (can you say kitchen floors cleaner than most hospitals..) it means I have to behave too.. What is it about parents you can be 31, witha kid a house a job theowrks and yet the minute your mom comes you are right back to being 10 years old.. I wonder if Warren will look at me that way when he is thirty and I am .. in my 50's..

This weekend Mike called.. stupid me took his damn call.. I dont' know why I listend to him. first he is all nice and appologetic. and then when I wont drop the rainbow bridge and let him bavk in my life then he gets all pissy.. HE says on thing, and his other face says another.. I hate talking to him I alwasy feel so torn and so manipulated.. I want a boyfriend I can tell me deepest darkest secrets to, the whole time I was with him I was afraid to say what I did that day, or tell him anything cause I would get yelled at or put down.. Nothing is ever good enough for him.. I hope someday he finds what ever it is he is looking for, but it wont' be with me.. HE even tries to throw the I will have to move on with my life rountine and talk about all the "opportunites" he has had but he has remained faithful to be.. WEll fuck a truck I dont really care if he boinks every female between her and the coast, as long as none of them are me.. I am making the choices I make, and the choices he makes are NOT my responsiblity they are his.. If he decides to be a deadbeat dad and put his needs first, it will not be my fault. and he well knows the only one his actions will hurt are Warren.. not me.. If he were to remarry tommorrow I would be the first to throw rice cause it would mean I was rid of him. MEN!! can't live with them, can't shoot them when they piss you off.. (Although the prisons are full of women who tried, just ask Betty Broderick- but I wont' go into that issue, she had major issues that chick..) Maybe someday I'll fall in love again. with a real man who acts his age, holds a job and puts his family before himself.. Please tell me they still exist some where, then I can tell Peter Pan to go back to Never never land, where he can sit and play with his "tinker bell" till Snow White turns blue. Am I bitter, gee how did you ever guess..

Another night shot to hell.. at least I have all day Fri and sat to clean.. maybe hten it wont' be so hot. I need to go into the crawl space and shut off the damn pipe heater.. I hate that place it is sooo creepy.. not too mention filthy. maybe then this place wont feel like the walk in oven at the bakery.. (now that thing alwasy scared me it would put horrible pictures in my mind.. I hated using it..).. well time to go check the email, then check into the land of winkin blinkin and nod..


The Cranky One

PS. I got googled again, by some one searching for Shrek + Spoof. I hope they found it.. I hardly ever get the "interesting" ones.


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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.