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The game of life is hard to play ~ I'm gonna lose it anyway ~ the losing card I'll someday lay ~ so this is all I have to say

21.04.02 @ 18:35
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What is it with some men?? Does conflct actually turn them on or what is the deal. This morning Mike called and talked to Warren. I didn't listen to the conversation but apparently Warren got mad and hung up on Mike.

Later I talked to Mike and all we did was fight and solve nothing. He doesnt' understand a thing, never has never will. Later while I was taking a bath and coloring my hair he called again, but I couldn't answer and Warren wouldn't because he was watching cartoons, and still mad at Mike. Then after I dried off and got dressed (at this time Warren was asleep on my bed) Mike called again. First he is all appologizing. Then he is telling me how it is all my fault anyway, but he may be partially responsible. Then he starts playing all nice again. (I think he may have been drinking or smoking something a little stronger than the usual Camels) We talk and I just play it cool. Then he starts about bringing tacos over and seeing WArren. This progresses in to a discussin about Warren and his meds and my house keeping. Then he starts playing the I'm sorry and I know I didn't help card. Then he starts talking about how he wants to see me again. And about how did I feel about This and that. Mostly referring to the events that happened before the fighting. The part where the key and the lock got together for a couple of "oh baby oh baby's" even though their was nothing else to it. I was basically toning him out, looking for a way out of it. My body may be up for it, but the rest of me knows better. Thinking with hormones is how I got into this mess in the first place. I made up something about calling me later, just to get him off the phone.

We have never gotten along, even before I got pregnant with Warren. And while I am emotionally needy right now, I also have some standards, (though sometimes you wouldn't know it). I don't want a F*** buddy. I have more self respect than that. We are not lovers. Even when we were a couple it never really felt like it should. I dont' mean all flowers and roses. I am grown up enough to know that that part of a romance usually ends when real life kicks in, but that feeling of we are in this together, even when we don't agree we still love each other. That is what was missing. It was everyone for himself. I didn't want to be anybody's girlfriend or wife. I just like being alone. (not always but). I have a hard time when I have to take someone elses opinion and thoughts in to account. I just want to make a decision and go with it. Not a good thing for a "marriage". Even one that has no license or "I do"s. I've often compared our relationship to a one night stand that didnt' know when to end. It was great in the beginning, but it wasn't based on anything that could last.

We may have some similiar tastes, but we grew up in different worlds. He is a big city, streetwise dude, who has seen the really tough places. I am a not so anymore naive country girl, from Buttwhipe ND. (aka Crosby ND). He is 7 1/2 years older than me. We were never friends. Before Warren our dates consisted of going out getting drunk and screwing like rabbits in heat. Not the greatest basis for a long term relationship. He was still somewhat new to the area, and into some seedier things. I was young, alone, vulnerable, had just broken up with one of the few friends I had at the time, and feeling rather lonely. A good looking older guy, who walkes on the shadier side pays attention to me and well... it didnt' take much.

Unfortunately, I got pregnant and when a girl gets pregnant in a situation like that ususally one of four things happens She gives away the kid (or aborts it) and continues on her wayward path, she gives away (or aborts the kid) realizes where she is headed and grows up, she keeps the kid and continues to screw around and drink, or as I chose, she keeps the kid grows up and tries to make the best for her and her child. Unfortunately, while part of Mike wanted to do the latter, another stronger part of him wanted the third option. Thus the basis for major conflict was sewn and started to grow out of control.

There were more issues, but that was one of the main ones. Its weird because despite many of the differnces, on paper we make a perfect couple. Like something out of one of those bodace ripper novels. If we had met under different circumstances and courted first getting to know each other and becomming friends, well who knows. Maybe in another universe we would have been able to make it work. He does have his good points, its just that most of the time I am too upset to see them. (or I'm afraid acknowledge them). We both would like to arrive at the same destination, but we are too busy butting heads of the way to get there.

Its weird because I can get along with anybody else, I can even disagree with other people, and still be friends and act civil. But with Mike I just go from 0 to Bitch on Wheels in under 20 seconds. Its almost like he can push my buttons from remote control, and I really hate feeling like a puppet.

Its especially hard, because I am also feeling rather needy right now, and its hard to think straight when I am depressed and under the influence of my X chromosome.

All this reflection has made my brain hurt. I ran to Cenex and picked up some soda adn Cheetos. I dont' need the Cheetos and really shouldn't have, but once again I fell victim to Anakin, as these are the bads with the 3-D pictures in them. They are actually kind of cool, in a cheesy plastic sort of way. But since I can't get laid, at least I can eat. And my M*A*S*H special is on in about 30 minutes. Hopefully Mike won't call, and Warren will stay asleep. I can have another fun filled evening of thrills alone with my television. I am such a party gal.

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Mini-Bio

In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.

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