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I wanna new drug....

Saturday, Nov. 17, 2007 @ 6:53 pm
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I can't say I"m in a better place, but at least I'm not in a worse [er} place. I finally ended up at the walk in today. I almost went last night, but the two trazodone kicked in so I went to bed as drving would ahve been a gravely bad idea, and I was no where needy enough to need an ambulence.

The trazodone wore off about 3 am. I didn't fall back to sleep until somewhere between 6 and 7. You know something is wrong when telvised poker can't put you to sleep.

I ened up calling into work. Which sucks as I've had prefect attendance since May {they don't count absenses scheduled in advance}. but I just really was not in any place to deal with stupid old lady's in Long Island bitching because they ordered something on Wednesday and they haven't rec'd it yet. Believe me the first cust that bitched at me would have probably caused me my job when I bitched her right back.

I tried a few more trazodone over the day {at 7:30 and I think again at 10ish. I honestly can't remember}. Relax I was no where near an OD. Even that didnt' help, much. It works great at first, but it doesn't last for me. I've always been very hard to prescribe psych drugs for. I think I have a funky metabolism or something.

I didn't really eat much today, just didnt' want to. WAs also having anxiety issues about that as well.

Finally about 3ish I went to the walk in. I'm glad I did. Granted right now, bright lights, people and converstation arent' high on my list of dos. I haven't even worked out for three days, some kind of record for me.

I talked to the nurse and the doctor. Good news is my bp is quite down, 117/77, pulse 69. I have no idea of that was the trazodone, or the cal/mag. but I'll take it.

I was lucky to have an understanding nurse and doctor. I went home with a lovely prescription for Xanax [well generic, cause I's poor}, I 've tried one and I'm not sure how i feel. I can't say I like it, but I'm really not disliking it. I guess I'll need to give it more time.

He only gave me 10 pills, as I need to call Dr. C on Monday to schedule another apt.

Did I mention I now have to take time from work to go to court for Warren. I thought I was done with that, but yeah right. I think this will be part of my life for the next 3.5 years, at which point he will be 18. Still my baby boy, but at least not my responsibility. {heay right. }.

Wednesday I am supposed to give blood, though will the current pharmecopia in my blood stream that may not happen. I was also to have a team meeting on Wed re: Warren. Now that is up in the air. That is also the night my mom and brother are comming up for Thanksgiving. An excuse to eat too much, feel like a whate and feel sorry fo rmyself while all the happy stepford families sit to gether rubbing my nose in presumed happy familyness. blech..

My finances are sucky as ever, my house is a pit, and frankly I couldn't care less, well maybe a little bit.

an aroma therapy bath sounds good. I picked up one called Tranquility. snort.. We all can dream can't we.

At least I managed to eat well. Lately for some reason I have strong cravings for Chard. I hated to even look at it as a kid. Now I gobble up bowls full {sauted lightliy with some garlic/rosemary infused oil and steamed soft, with a dash of marjoram/thyme, and some orange juice and since I was out of chick peas I used great northerns. It worked pretty good. At least I know I can still cook. My inner child however, has ran out of the house screaming in terror.

But despite not wanting to eat, at least I manageda about 1100 or so calories. Not nearly enough, but at least not totally starving. And it was good food.

To be honest, I really just want to go to bed. Even the Last Picture Show just isn't cutting it. Cybil Sheppard does make a great tartlet though.

It's only 7, but it feels more like 10. I think a long hot bath, the rest of my pharmacopia experiment and bedtime sound the best.

I know this too will pass, but frankly I'm tired of being tired, of being stong and capable, adn doing it all alone. My mom is nice and definately no where near stupid, but she really has no clue what I'm going thru, and being told to go to Mass and pray is the last thing I want to hear. My mom doesn't even know I'm bipolar, though the women is quite intuitive and anything but stupid, so I'm sure she has a clue that I'm more than a little different adn always have been.

I seem to have ignored most of my other friends in to having a life without me, and my friends at work are really great but they don't understand, don't know the whole story as I've told very few people, readers of this blog notwithstanding.

There is someting really odd about my biggest confidents living around the world nand with a very small expection {who know who you are}, have never been in the same state, much less with in conversation distance. Welcome to the 21rst century. I should be greatful there are people who care, and can relate.

I just need to have a pity party right now. I deserve to fall apart sometimes too.


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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.