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all to hell

Friday, Nov. 16, 2007 @ 10:46 pm
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I resign my status as mom. this job is too damn hard. I just can't take it anymore. Obviously I must suck at it. nothing i try works, sometimes it makes things worse.

he went and fucked up again, of course he is sorry, and promises to quit and even agreed to take meds, now. If they take him back. {I hoping, but not getting my hopes up}. he inists on fucking his life and everyone with it. I'm used to being told what I want to hear when people are feeling bad. Its what they say when they aren't feeling guilty that counts. he has no sense of repsonsibilty for his actions, jsut guilt over my issues. FUCK

he is always sorry after the fact, and I believe he means it, he just can't remember he means it when he gets upset and angry. He gets out of control. Like his dad, like I used tobe fore I found the right meds.

meds which don't seem to be working. I can't handle anymore .

I've taken 1.5 trazodoen. [along with my lamictal and my antibiotic} if that doesn't work, I don't know waht to do. I don't want to do something stupid, but I just can't take anymore. I have litereally taken more than I can manage to handle. I just want peace, even for a short term.

I'm tired of bieng strong, of being together and some fucking shing example to others. screw it. I'm fucking pissed and anxius adn a hundred other things, not the least of which seems to be a lousy speller at the moment. I'm human too, I'm not a shining example, I'm haing on by a thread taht is getting frayed as we speak.

I know he will be safe adn okay, but that's not good neough. Everyone I try to love always hurts me. I guess I really don't matter as much as I would like to think.

Or maybe that's just the bipolar talking. Where's Jung when you need him.


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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.