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Thursday, Nov. 01, 2007 @ 7:56 pm
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My visit with my doctor seemed to go pretty good. We are going to try Trazodone at night to see if that helps. Of course that means benedryl is now on my no no list, but hopefully this will do the trick and I won't be waking up with anymore 3 am panic attacks/freakouts/nightmares about babies in cages {it doesn't take a psychiatrist to figure that one out}. If that doesn't work or I am still have anxiety and other issues, than she wants me to think about trying buspar, from what little I've read I'm not sure how I feel about that. It sounds like it can have some nasty side effects in some people. I hope the Trazodone will help.

The meeting with Warren and his councilor was an eyeopener. I can't say it went great, that would be the wrong adjective, but it did bring out some laundry that really needed to see the light. I learned somethings I should have known, but didn't see and discovered somethings about how my son sees me that will have me thinking for awhile.

He is right about a few things. I know it is wrong to compare him to his father, and that he isn't Mike and it isn't fair. I know it is also hurtful, because he knows I think negatively about his dad, and his dad is his dad. I try my best to not do that, and I have never stopped him from having a relationship with his dad. When his dad gets out of prison, Warren can spend all the time he wants with his dad, as long as he is sober and stays the hell away from me. I know Warren loves his dad, and his dad does have some good qualities. He's not evil, just seriously messed up, and self involved. I also sincerely believe he has mental health issues that he is self medicating with drugs and alchohol and if he ever got sober and got things under control, he could be a very productive and decent human being, but the booze and drugs have turned Jeckyll in to Hyde.

I love my son, I don't want him to be hurt, I want to protect and fix him. But I have issues as well, and I am only human. I am the grown up and I really need to stop letting certain buttons get pushed, but when I see anything to indicate Warren is headed down his fathers road, I get totally upset and freaked. I really need to find a better way to handle it, or I may drive him to it. Because of Mike's and my history, I tend to be very touchy about certain things, some might even say over touchy. Given what I've dealt with its quite reasonable, and when Warren pushes those buttons it brings up all kinds of negative things. I spent too many years being put down, and used. Certain things that remotely remind me of the way Mike would insult my weight, my eating habits, my mental health, even if they are said differently or not even meant that way, may sound hurtful to me.

I guess I never realized what it is like to live with me. It is so easy to justify our own behavior and see ourselves as having every right to act as we do, and that others are the ones causing the problem, but it is rarely that simple. I never realized how my issues were hurting Warren, how bad things were for him sometimes. I wasnt' as there for him as I liked to think I was, even though I was there more than his dad, and I did a lot for him, I wasn't always as there as I should have been. At least I tried.

I was often too depressed and burden with responsibilities and stress to be fun and play,or even do more than what I had to.His dad was/is too addicted to be responsible and take care of things, like a responsible adult should No wonder Warren has so many issues.

We haven't solved or fixed anything, both of us have a lot to do, and who knows what may come up or my happen. Warren is old enough to have to make some hard choices, and I am finding I have to face some things I'm not sure if I'm up to facing or ready to face. But I think I finally have some kind of idea of where he is comming from.

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Mini-Bio

In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.

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