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so very tired

Wednesday, Jun. 27, 2007 @ 8:25 pm
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I am so tired right now: physically tired from aerobics this morning - my arms and shoulders are killing me, even my wrists and elbows hurt; mentally tired from dealing with everything going on with Warren and a big crappy todo at work that I can't really go into due to corporate confidentiallity, and emotionally tired from dealing with my son, and strangely from all the comliments, praise and attention my weightloss has gotten me.

Don't get me wrong. I love my new body and I appreciate all the compliments. I know people mean well and are trying to be nice, but sometimes it really annoys me that people seem to want to talk about it all the time. Its always such a big deal. What am I eating, how much have I lost, what exercise do I do, yadda yadda. I understand people's curiosity and I try to be polite, but often they are asking questions I can't answer in a few simple sentences. I dont' have a one minute miracle cure, it doesn't exsit. I don't want to be a role model. I don't want everybody looking at me as somekind of hero. I don't need that kind of pressure. I can talk about other subjects too.

The cover may have changed, but the story is the same, I just added a new chapter. I just wish people would read the rest of the book. I can't really explain it. Its like all I am to people who knew me before is the former fat girl who got skinny {well skinnier, at 170 and 5'3" I'm hardly thin}. But I'm more than that.

I guess that's one reason I like the Y and talking to people who never knew the fat me. They never discuss weight or diet. We talk about everythign else. As far as they are concerned this is who I am. I feel more comfortable. Sometimes part of me wants to tell them my story, but mostly I'm so glad to be who I am, with no one knowing the previous me.

I'm also tired of hearing about other people's wonderrful kids, and thier wonderful accomplishments. or conversely about how bad thier kids are. Trust me they dont' know the half of it. I haven't told anyone outside of my blog readers and my family about Warren's situation, so nobody knows. But it still kills me.

Maybe that's why I was in such a snitty mood all day. I kept wanting to scream at people and hurt someone for no good reason. Like I was just pissed off at everyone and everything. I just needed an excuse to vent.

It didn't help to have W* call me to ask if I wanted to do a new biography for the company intraweb, as I look so different and have changed so much, since the original which was done in 2004. While that is true. And she was really nice {she is a very sweet person}, and kept talking about my weight and asking questins about how things have changed and my son and such {she doesnt' know} I just felt pissed and depressed. I couldn't even really say why. It just really bothered. me. I have no problem doing another bio. I'd love to have a new picture, hopefully I can get D* or who ever takes it to email me a copy so I can let you all know how scary I really look.

I also had a coworker {male } make comments about how much weight I've lost, liek he was amazed {again a nice guy who meant well, nothing inapporopriate or even close}, and asking if I was just eating green or was I working out. But of course they dont' want the whole story.

But it still really gets to me, I an't really even explain it all sometimes.

I did resist the chocolate today. However I ate almost 2 pounds of cherries {my colon will be very angry tommorrow I'm sure} and a large piece of whole wheat raisin bread when I stopped at Great Harvest. I also had two great slices of whole wheat bread with flax, oatmeal and pecans in it. {awesome bread}. So I sort of binged.

On the bright side. I got three meals out of my one order of baingan bharta. I even found a recipe for it. I just have to find some garam marsala first, or a reasonable subsititue.

I'm ready for bed. Maybe I'll be in a better mood tommorrow.

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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.