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Long windining rambling

Friday, Nov. 03, 2006 @ 6:30 am
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Thank you all so much for your comments and compliments. I'm still wrapping my head around it. I mean its hardly like I'm going for the best seller list or anything, I'm not even really getting paid, but it is still quite flattering and cool.

Its also gotten me thinking about things, which is always a dangerous process given the directions that my mind is capable of going. Most of us who have been blogging on the internet for any length of time and aren't totally logged down are aware that our audience is often quite larger and more disverified than just those who take the time to comment and get to know us on a more personal level. But often we get so used to writing for those who we feel we know are reading and whose blogs we probably also read. We think we know our audience.

But do we. This being the internet are only options to control our audience are to lock up and password or switch a service such as MySpace or our own demain where we can control which viewers have what access. Passwording or friendlisting unfortunately limits the number of hits we have and also makes it much harder to meet new people. It changes the dynamic of the whole blogging sphere, it's sort of an opt out.

Those of us with public diaries therefore often opt not to tell the whole story and to use nicknames and such when we do tell private information with a potential to come back and bite us in the but, and also leave much information out.

Some information is left out because we have worked and developed a certain image, or profile on our little corner of the web. Since the reader is only getting one side of the story and only one point of view it is easy to make one the victim or the poor mistreated soul, when others may not see it that way. Most of us subconciously know when we read any given blog that there is more to the story, but if the writer is good and we have known them a long time we tend to believe and accept thier side of the story and along with them villianize or critize the others of whom they are referring even though we have never met any of these people and know only the details of the story that we have been given.

Trust me, even the most honest and open blogger will often without realizing it tell the story in a way to most flatter themselves, its basic human nature. We don't mind admiting we are less than perfect and that our lives are in some way messed up. Because after all a blog by someone who has a perfect family, with perfect lives and a perfect job and is always happy is well, going to be boring as heck, like a movie with no plot.

I have no doubt that were I too meet any of the bloggers I regularly read they would be exactly as I pictured them, as most of us also have our personality in our writing, the relative annonymity of the web allows us to be more open, and yet ironically more controlled. It gives us the opportunity to be almsot anything or anyone we want to be. And yet I can't wonder how much of us we don't see.

Why am I waxing about all of this at 6:44 in the am? Good question? I guess I got to thinking about all of this after all hell broke loose at home last night.

Out of respect for my son and his privacy, as well as my own I'm not sure how much I feel comfortable sharing. I want to vent and let out to my faithful readers what is going on, but I also know that if I am not careful what I say can come back to bite me in the butt (in ways I might not even have thought of).

To give you the nutshell version my idiot ex has returned to his old ways. He came over to my place having tweaked out on meth. He procceeded to take my already messy house and in the name of helping me clean up, trash it out completely and get into it with me. Here is the part I can glaze over to make my self a total victim or I can be more honest about. I let him get to me. I let my temper take over my brain.

Long story short, he is now in jail and I have local agencies breathing now my neck questioning my parenting skills, so I have to superfly the house to top shape and dig out my inner June Cleaver to prove I'm not Mom from hell.

My son has been in some minor juvinille mischief stuff he shouldn't be doing for sure and that I've more than gotten after him for, but because of his father and his past history he also can't get a break. Its like certain parties want him to mess up, expect it and are waiting for it.

He has to be twice as good to get half the credit. And I've got a severe case of the guilts and self blames. I feel at my wits end and not sure what to do anymore.

Even though this is a fairly large city I live in, it also has many of the qualities of a small town, both good and bad. Good meaning it is fairly safe, clean and people are mostly good to each other. Bad in that quite quickly every body knowns everybody's business or at least a third hand version of it, that has no doubt been embelished for effect and they have already made a decision about you and your family with out anything resembling a fair shake.

I want to keep blogging, I've had this diary since my son was 7 or 8 years old. It's been my lifeline, but I'm also aware that I just never know who might be reading, and if some one who knew me stumbled on this it wouldn't take a lot of archives to figure out who I am. With over 1200 entries I can't exactly go back and remove all references to my son and his dad. I have given out enough info over the years that anyone who knew me would figure it out rather quickly. But at the same point I love you all, you have often been the only ones there for me when no one else has.

I've only managed to alienate one of you by inadvertantly making a comment I didn't realize what I was saying or who I was saying it about until it was too late, and I can appologize but I can't undo it. I accept that I may have spoken out of turn to some extent, but that's another story, and I can't/don't wish to publicly air details over. The parties involved have a pretty good idea who I am talking about.

So I have a good community of sympathetic listeners here ready to listen to me, but I'm not sure how much I can share.


Prequels ~ Sequels

Daily Dumbass:
Thankful For:
Music of the mind: :

~*~Have you read these~*~

~ Ode to a child who is no more ~
~ She's baaack ~
~ testing ~
~ Facebook me ~
~ Bleech ~

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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.