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Saturday, Sept. 30, 2006 @ 7:13 pm
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My house is a pit, but at least it is a nice smelling pit. I made (whole wheat) bubble loaf today, and I have knoepfla on the stove. IT was quite good. I didn't each much at all earlier in the day, so I could afford to eat more tonight. . I still need to get some fruit in there.

I let Warren order pizza last night, since he wanted to celebrate that he made it to level three at school. He has a lot of work to do yet, but he is trying so hard so I have to give him credit and he deserves a treat. I was good and only had one regular size piece and two mini pieces. I even picked off the sausage on mine (sausage and mushroom), as I've added pork to the list of meats I don't eat (lamb, mutton, veal, pork, rabbit....). I"m gradually vegiarianizing. But today I feel like I just don't want to eat so well. I haven't had any junk food and I only had one small piece of bubble loaf and two bowls of knoepfla. LUnch was a bowl of shrimp stew (very low fat), and breakfast was two eggs and whole wheat toast (sans butter). I've also had ww peanut butter and jelly sandwhich (old fashioned pb adn all fruit jelly) and a slice of ww bread with honey. So I haven't been starving, but definately high on the bread and low on the fruit.

I should be thrilled today, I should be celebrating. I passed the half way mark to my goal. I made my goal for Septemeber (as long as I weigh myself in the am sans clothes). I have lost 73 pounds. I only have 70 to go, for my first goal. (after which I'll reevaluate and work on goal 2.

But instead of being happy, instead of doing the Snoopy dance like one would expect me to do, I"ve been crappy and snappy. I lost it with Warren today over somethign really stupid. I feel over sensitive and prickly. I am not hungry but I really just want to eat and go back to the old stuff myself in to unconsciousness routine. But I haven't given in.

I got my depo shot last week, I was fine the first couple days after it, happy even. But now I think my hormones may be going thru a transitional period. I realized the last time I had my shot I went thru the same thing. LIke PMS, but worse. It would explain the water retentin a while back, adn my craving for carbs like no tommorrow. I am aware of what is going on, and that seems to make a huge difference. I just wish I could snap out of this mood. I know it will pass, it has before.

The reason I get the depo, is not for the birth conrol, that isnt' an issue right now, trust me. (though it will be handy if it does become an issue), but because of the side effect. Artificially induced menopause. I haven't had to deal with TTOM, for over 2 years. The people who've lived with me in the past since my first period can testify that that is a good thing. I was super bitch during PMS, and I hated TTOM like I've never hated anything. I retained water like HOover damn, ate like everymeal was my last and bit off the head of anyone who would talk to me. I figure one week every thre months beats one week every three weeks.

I think I may be having other issues as well. I've been thinking about this for sometime. For most of us, our appearance is a large part of our identity. Those of us with severe weight issues often find ways to be in denial about how heavy we really are and how we really look to others. Our bodies are still a large part of our identities. We have certain expectations when we look in the mirror. Even a very small child knows when he/she is looking at a picture of him/herself.

Lately I've found myself looking at myself in the mirror much more than usual, some might even say more than noirmal. I'm not vein,, I'm not obessed with myself. I am attractive yet, but not super special beyond gorgeious or anything close. I'm everyday people (to borrow a song line). But because having dropped so much weight, its seems my brain is having a hard time wrappng itself around its new package. I look into the mirror and I see my face, but that can't be my body?

Suddenly I dont' seem to know where I end or begin anymore. Its like what teenage boys go thru, only in reverse. I look at clothes an think they should be too small but they fit. I look at my body and my new dimensions and it seems almost foreign to me. My clothes hang differenty, chairs are roomier. I feel different somehow. I can't explain it. It's sort of like part of me was lost with my fat.

Don't get me wrong. I think I am starting to look Good. I'm not centerfold material, and never will be . But I dont' scare children either. When I put some effort into it, I look quite nice. I've had more than one person tell me I don't look close to 37, even someone who had never met me before.

I've never really cared for the type of women who had to get up an extra hour early just to do her 'beauty routine" and make sure she had the perfect hair, outfit and make up. I've usually been happy to be showered, wearing something clean, and run a comb thru my hair. But lately since I've gone healthy and lost weight. I've also become more of my own fan. I make an effort to wear make up. I care how my shirt is sitting on me. Instead of a cut, I have a "style'.

I feel like I"m changing, in many ways. Many of them good, some I'm not so sure about. Looks do matter, but they shouldn't. Character should count more than hair, or clothes. My old rule about clothes used to be , just make sure you are wearing some. Now I care if I match or if they make me look fatter or shorter. I'm becomming the woman I used to make fun of.

Even my son has noticed. He's pointed it out to me on a few occasions.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not sure who I am anymore.?


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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.