I've been using my 15 minute breaks at work to take a short walk everyday, since I started my self improvement plan. Normally I'm to lost in my own thought to notice much around me, other than the occasional odd piece of garbage, a piece of foam rubber here, a pop can there, the occasional half filled booze bottle no doubt tossed by somebody not wanting to get busted; the usual winter time refuse uncovered when the snow melts, nothing out of the ordinary to most city folk (or as close as this state comes to city folk anyway).

But once the city finally gets around to cleaning up the garbage formerly hidden by the snow there isn't usually that much to see; traffic comming and going from various new businesses, exercising residents making use of the newly layed sidewalks, construction workers across the street building we still haven't figured out what, green city planted grass mixed with prairie grasses blown in from who knows where, dotted with dandilions, and weeds. Nothing exactly exciting nothing out of the ordinary. Just the kind of everyday stuff one see's so often they don't pay attention to it, other than as background material. Usually I'm so lost in my own thoughts, as I try to destress and wake my self up so as to continue to function I really don't pay all that much attention, other than the ocassional rabbit, or goose flock (we used to have two pairs of geese who made our little creek behind work thier home).

Today something totally unexpected and cool caught my attention, something I haven't seen in a long time. I was near the end of my walk, at the point where I normally turn around and there when I look down on the ground is a beautiful little violet plant. From what I can telling looking through google, it is a bird's foot violet. A beautiful little plant with purple flowers who has no idea he shouldn't be growing in this area. Just minding his own business, being himself and doing what nature programmed him to do. I couldn't resist, I had to pick some, but was careful not to disturb all of the blooms or damage the plant so it won't grow.

I now have a lovely little pill bottle vase on my desk at work with a miniature bouquet of violets in it. Definately a brightner to an otherwise dull office space, and repetitive job.

It also got me to thinking, how many things could we accomplish if we never knew we couldn't. How many things could succeed if they were only left alone and allowed to be themselves. I've read, and I'm sure most of us have heard the myth that a by all standards a bumblebee shouldn't fly and yet it does. While I can't comment on the physics of such a thing, the poet in me can't help but wonder if part of the reason it flies is because it's never been told it can't, it doesn't think about how hard it might be or what the obsticals in it's way might be. It doesn't think about it at all, it simply does it.

Oh sure on some level it is more complicated than that, but in reality doesn't it all boil down to the fact that sometimes even when we want to be one way, we act different because we think to much about it. We say we want to do one thing, but we despite overwhelming motivtion we can't manage to keep it out. We want one thing, but our motivation for the old behavior is rooted stronger than our motivation for the new behavior making it impossible for us to , in the words of Nike, "Just do it".

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, but sometimes I think that people make things so much harder than they need to be, because we are too smart for our own good. We know what feels good for us, and even when we know it can kill us eventually we insist on doing it anyway, as the short term pleasure seems to offer more to many of us, than a long term reward. I'm not sure how I dervived that from a tough little violet plant growing next to a busy road, but my brain works in strange ways.

I've tried many diets in the past, but this is the first time I've been public about my issues, and the one of the most successful attempts I've had in years (since before Warren was born). I've finally figured out what is different about the times I was successful. It wasn't about the changes I made in my external life, though they certainly made the physical difference, it was the change in my thinking. Instead of viewing "diet" as a temporary change that I could end after I reached a certain point, instead of viewing it as a negative a temporary restriction a loss of pleasure all idea that tie in with punishment and make me feel like I did something wrong.

I view it as a life change for the better, something that I could enjoy as it would be an improvement on my life and consequently my self esteem. I'm not dieting to punish my self for being fat, I'm eating healthy because I deserve better than crappy fast food, sugared junk, soda's with chemicals and other stuff whose only purpose for being made is to make a profit. I deserve to be healthy and to like myself. I deserve to feel good, and look good. And as a mother I have a duty to make my life as long and healthy as possible, to be there for my son, and any future grandchildren, to make my differnce in the world.

I no longer view not eating junk as a punishment, I view it a reward for caring about my self. It also goes deeper than that. Something in me has clicked and changed. Sure my mouth still waters when I smell cookies or see a plate of nachos. But I have much less trouble turning them down now. I don't want them nearly as much. They are only short term pleasure, but have long term consquences. That isn't to say I don't still want a treat every now and then. What is the point of livng if you can't have a little fun every now and then. But who wants fun every single minute.

If I'm going to get daily pleasure from something, shouldn't it also have long term benefits.? I deserve to grow and make self where and how I choose. Shouldn't I be the best me I can be, if that means blooming where I'm supposed to grow, or being a rebel and growing in a manucured roadside that isn't supposed to have flowers. Ultimately the choice is mine, and I refuse to ever again listen to the voices who tell me can't, shouldn't, don't.

The above was brought to you by too little sleep, too much free time, and a bizarre need to wax philosophical without making a whole lotta sense.

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~*~Have you read these~*~

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