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Comming out (no not that way!)

Thursday, Jan. 26, 2006 @ 7:07 pm
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I've had this diary for almost 5 years, for most of that time, I've been fairly regular about updating. In the beginning I was very leary about sharing too much, mainly out of fear and out of insecurity that no one would want to read if I let too much out. Over the years I have put more and more of myself in to my diary, and have been well rewarded. I have been lucky enough to have very few negative experiences (though to be honest I do still keep some opinions to my self out of respect for my readers, who are a rather diverse group and because I am not ready to put all of me out on the line, where I can't control who is reading.)

I have met several wonderful people from all over the world, people of all ages, races and lifestyles. It has been a great way for me to unload, and to get feedback which can reinforce when I am not alone, or that I am not nuts and other people see things similiarly to what I do. It has been a great tool for finding out that other people are in the same boat, or have been in similiar ones and I am not as alone as I sometime feel. I have only met two of my readers in live actual person (waves to Moorhead), though I have a feeling I would love meeting virtually any of my regular readers/commenters.

I've even felt brave enough to post a picture of myself. I'm not going to link to it, as it isn't currently visible since I stopped paying for my gold (I use blogexplosions free hosting instead), but many of you have seen it. I've also mentioned my issues with weight. Those of you who know what I look like know it has been an up and down struggle most of my life. As fat people go I am pretty fit. I can easily ride a bike for a few miles, or walk a mile or few with out getting out of breathe as long as I don't have to run. I've worked in a grocery store deli/meat department where I had to be on my feet for 6-8 hours or more per day. However I am no where near as healthy as I would like.

This summer I will turn 37, which is only 3 years short of 40. While turning 30 wasn't much of a big deal for me, for some reason, the big 40 isn't going to be such an easy deal. I'm not sure why. I know part of it is that my dad was only 65 when he died, way too young. He had some much more to live for, to see. I also come from a family where high blood pressure, heart disease, artherioscoloris, and osteoperosis are quite common. My blood pressure is currently in the borderline area, my cholesterol is 210. While my blood sugar was 87, which is normal it is near the high end of normal. While a certain amount is genetic, these are also things I can control. I am of German (from Russia), Norweigan, and Swedish stock, with a sprinkle of Welsh. Once upon a time, my ansestors didn't have to worry about these things, as they had all they could manage just to keep up with the daily chores of living. Once upon a time, my Viking anscestors learned to be very effienct with the food they had as living at sea left for a rather limited diet and a long time between fueling up stops.

They never for saw a time when their descendants would live in a land where even the poor had access to more food than they could dream of, all of it ready to eat in little or no time, where food was over abundant, and comparatively quite cheap. They may have dreamed of such a thing, but didn't realize that such a dream had some serious drawbacks. Afluenza is not all it is cracked up to be.

There are some great things, my son has no idea what it means to go hungry unless it is by choice. He may not always have what he wants or how he would want it, but he truly has no clue what it is to really be hungry. Diseases of malnutrion are nothing but long foreign words in a refernce book. For that I am greatful.

I am not however greatful for my waistline or my heath facts. Let's face it folks, once you reach a certain age, your mortality really starts to hit you. One morning you look in the mirror and realize 18 is a long distant memory, and the true meaning of the cliche "Youth is wasted on the young".

I've dieted in my life, several times. Over the years I've lost probably the equivelant of 2 full grown people. But I've always let it come back. Pregnancy made a good excuse for awhile, but face it when the baby is now taller than his mother, that excuse just doesn't hold any water. I've convinced myself that I am fine the way I am, that people who really love me don't care what I look like, but all the while I was really just trying to convince myself. While I still believe my true friends don't care if I am 100 or 1000 pounds, the truth is I care. I am tired of shopping for plus size clothes, seatbelts that don't fit, dirty looks from ignorant fools. I am tired of aching knees, sweaty boobs, and elastic waist pants.

I've been down this road before, It is a trip I know quite well, but yet I am preparing myself for one more journey, hoping this time I can finally reach my destination without taking any detours. I know I cannot do it alone, and I know it isnt' easy. I didn't gain weight overnight and sadly it will take more than a few weeks to loose it. For me food isn't just about giving my body the fuel it needs to keep up with activities and bodily functions, too me it is a form of self medication. Where as some people smoke, drink, or do other things to deal with tough emotions and feelings they can't cope with, don't want to face, my drug of choice has always been sugar. I can hope on the wagon for while, but eventually something will always lead me back. Be it an off the wall comment, or an unexpected pregnancy, or a break up.

I look at my son, and I see him making the same mistakes I am making. I need to make changes for both of us. I know I can' save him, but I can sure help him, and strongly encourage healthier habits. My parents tried but my mom's method of make her feel like crap, only seemed to make things worse. I am not a kid any more. I need to take some responsibility.

To that end, I have decided to open myself up and take a look at what I am really doing, and what I am really eating. It is so easy to dismiss it as one bag of chips, or just one doughnut. But I know it can add up. For a short term, at least until I see some progress and develp some better habits, I have decided to start a food journal.

This is the part where it takes some guts on my part. The food journal I am using, post amoung other things, my real weight (as of my last weighing about a week or so ago). Usually I don't even want to admit this number to myself, much less the rest of the world. But a large part of my problem is denial and hiding. I can't solve everything at once, but if I can face and deal with one demon, I hope to get some tools to face the rest of my demons, and belive me I have more than enough in my closet to keep Buffy busy for a year. I overcame my shyness issue by putting my self in situations where I was forced to speak out. Once I realized the world was not going to swallow me, and the world would not stop spinning so all could laugh at me, I got more brave and more outgoing. Hopefully I can apply this technique to other aspects of my life.

So here goes everything. My Food Journal. Hopefully by putting my self on the line, I can make my self a little better.


Prequels ~ Sequels

Daily Dumbass:
Thankful For:
Music of the mind: :

~*~Have you read these~*~

~ Ode to a child who is no more ~
~ She's baaack ~
~ testing ~
~ Facebook me ~
~ Bleech ~

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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.