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Wednesday, Dec. 21, 2005 @ 12:24 am
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Now I'm not sure if it is the hypersomnia or what. Tonight he was totally insomniac, until I finally managed to get him to fall alseep about 11:30/12am ish. I know he sometimes snores, but not all the time, and not that loud. So while sleep apnea may be an issue, he doesn't fully meet all the criteria there either. Although since he mainly sleeps on his tummy or side that may be making the difference.

I do want to send out thank you's to all who left wonderful comments and also to those who may have been thinking about me without commenting. Warren had a great day, he made full 100% of his points for the day, and was actually in a relatively good mood when I picked him up. (I never made it to the vaccuum store, Damn Menards, walk in for a $5 item, walk out with $25 of stuff). He has decided on his own that his goal is to get 100 points every day. I just hope he isn't putting too much pressure on himself again. They put him with the adolescents this time, as most of the ones they have are 13 and 14 and they figured (correctly), that he'd rather be with 13/14 year olds than with the 6/8 year olds that currently make up the children's group. Ironicly he seems to have more freedom with this setting than at school, where his is in a self contained classroom and level 1's can't even walk the hall to the bathroom with out an escort. It's going to be interesting to see what happens when he goes back to his regular classroom.

Tonight when he couldn't get to sleep I was talking to him and he finally brought up something that he has been hiding from me, that now has me worried. It seems that lately he has developed a fear of spiders, which in itself is not that unusual or odd. However, he has stated that he feels the house is infested with spiders and there are tons in the basement and he has even seen them walk across his breakfast. This has me concerned because in all the time we have lived here I have never seen a spider or nary a trace of a web. Trust me, if there were spiders walking across my food I would notice. I know his friend Jasper is an Arachniphobe, I hope he hasn't subconcously picked up on it somehow. Warren says I just don't notice, but it seems to me that would be something hard to miss. Tonight he swore there was a spider or something crawling across the hall floor out of the bathroom. I turned on the light and looked, but I could find nothing. I've slept in his room when we had company and I never saw a spider. He says they are in the crawl space, next to his room (where furnace, water heater etc are also located. I haven't crawled all the way in there, but where I have been I havne't seen anything. Also it is the dead of winter, are there even any spiders ? Tonight I just acted like it must have got away or something. I refuse to lie and say I see someting I don't. But I also don't want him to think I feel he is lying. I think it goes deeper than that. I hope I can talk to his dr or nurse tommorrow and mention it. He doesn't want to talk about it, but I think something like that is important. I wonder how long it has been going on. No wonder the poor kid is always stressing. He says he has never seen one at school though. It sounds like it is only when he first wakes up, or when he is going to sleep. Which lead me back to thinking he has a sleep issue. When I was pregnant with him, I would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night (also sometimes in the early am, or when I was first drifting off), and my closet or other objects would take on sinister tones, a couple of times I could have sworn something was comming at me. It ended about the time Warren was born, or shortly there after, so I just chalked it up to stress. Now I wonder if it could have been something else. Lack of sleep and bad sleep can do weird things to a person's brain.

One thing that stuck with me is that when I was leaving after dropping off Warren and filling out more endless forms, is that a grandmother/social worker (?) had been called to pick up a kid who had by 9am already had major issues at the program and who's behavior had him sitting with security. I over heard the pick up person being told that program wasn't a "good fit" fo the kid. I could see the kid grumbling and grousing. Clearly ina bad state of mind. It seems not that long ago Warren was similiarly inclined. I only hope this kid is able to find a situation where he can get help and succeeed. I know nothing about him or who he is but I feel bad for him. Having been there I know what a rough ride his family is in for

I do have some good news. I had my physical Monday, and getting my depo updated has helped immensely, but the best news was learning that just the few small changes I have made led to a 10 pound weight loss. And that was with out trying real hard (more home breakfasts, more oatmeal, fewer sausage croisants, less soda after my morning wake up). My doctor told me just cutting out the soda (be still my heart) could lead to anothe 20 pound drop. While I am not ready to quit my caffiene cold turkey (as vice's go it's one of the better ones), I have been thinking of a few other changes I can make to loose a few more pounds. I can't make drastic changes as I know I would have a hard time sticking to it, but I know I can eat healthier, if not totally healthy. I've cut way back on the amount of meat I eat, I rarely fry things, when I do go out for a burger a Jr size one can be just as satisfying as the triple deluxe with extra cheese. I've also noticed since cutting out a lot of the junk food I'm not as hungry as before. I haven't give up cookies and other junk entirely, I'm not ready for that yet, but I have reached a point where I can have one or two and stop. I don't need to eat the whole damn bag. Part of it, is just a natural change in my biochemisry, some of it may be the depo?, some of it is seeing others successfully loose wieght and a lot of it comeing to grips with my own mortality. 40 is only 3 1/2 years away. I'm not going to get any younger and I want to live long enough to see my son a happy successful adult and if I'm lucky see my grandchildren and watch them grow up.

When I was fasting right before my physical, I kind of had a mini epiphany of sorts. When I can't have something, when it become forbidden or off limits, that is when I will want it the most when I will have to have it. Growing up, treats were used a a reward/punishment. While I was never made to go hungry and always had plenty to eat. I got the feeling that treats were something one "deserved" or didn't "deserve".

ehow that got twisted in to a feeling that being fat was a punishement and Iwasn't as good as everyone else. That only skinny people were good enough to be allowed to eat the goodies, that I should be punsished for my wieght with a diet of bunny chow and mini portions. How dare I eat a bag or chips or have a cookie. Knowing this and finally comming to terms with it, has helped me put a few things in perpective. I deserve treats and good treatment as much as anyone else. I should be allowed to eat what I want when I want it. Just knowing I can have it if I want it, is enough bizarrely to make me not want it. It is easier to turn down, and less adictive when I know it is my choice, my decision, not my ex's, not my mom's and not the judgement old fool who gives me dirty looks when I walk thru the store, and trust me every overweight person who has bought junk food inthe grocery or any store has had experience with this person.

Somewhere in my older age, I've reached a point where I no longer give a fuck what the rest of the world thinks. My real friends like me for who I am, the rest can screw themselves. When I finally do drop my weight it will be for me, and nobody else. It took me 36 years to realize that trying to please everybody, pleases nobody. I need to concentrate on me and Warren. The rest of the universe is going to have to worry about itself for a while. And who knows maybe someday I won't need my morning caffiene buzz to get going. My desire for soda has already dropped. This is a path I need to further explore.


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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.