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My mind is a scary place to be

Thursday, Nov. 10, 2005 @ 8:39 pm
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Sometimes my brain works in ways so mysterious that even I can't figure myself out. This morning I realized it was Veteran's Day tommorrow. Aside from the fact that Warren has no school (clearly the people who make up these schedules aren't single working parents), it also reminds me of my father who was a veteran and who passed away in December of 1996. I always hate this time of year, as it reminds me of him and it will soon be that awful anniversary again in a few weeks. (My mom's birthday is also next week, on Harry Potter Day, but that's another entry).

Remember my mind doesn't work like, well like most of the rest of the world. I was thinking about my dad this morning and it dawned on my that if my uncle, who would have been my dad's older brother had not died at birth (according to my dad and aunt, who was too young to remember at the time, something happened with the doctor whom my grandfather blamed for the loss), but instead had survived and grown up, he would have been the oldest son and most likely would have been the one to stay home and help my grandparents run the farm.

What would that have changed. Well my father managed to miss going to Korea (as in the War), because of a technicality that allowed the oldest (or only) son to stay home and help his parents. However that rule was later changed, meaning my Dad was drafted after Korea. However had his brother been alive, he would have been drafted in to Korea. Meaning he may have faced combat or being killed. Also when my father entered the military he tested out to go to OCS (Officer's Canidate School - keep in mind this was the 50's), and only turned it down to stay on the farm and help my grandparents. With my uncle alive, he may (or may not) have chosen to stay in the military.

This could have meant all sorts of possibilites, from my dad not meeting my mom, my mom not wanting to be an Army wife, to me being and Army brat instead of a naive farm girl who was sheltered from much of the "real" world. When you think about it the possibilities are endless. I could not exsist, I could exist in a different universe, I could be a totally different person. Who knows where my life would have taken me, assuming I was here. I could be a totally different person, my mom could be. For all I know my Dad could still be alive.

Or my uncle could have been the one who left the farm and my dad stayed where he was. The possiblities are as I said, endless. Would I still be a poor struggling single mother, would I have met Mike somewhere else, would my parents have met or married. Would I be much more aware, would I be a loud person, a more worldly person, would my values be the same?

I never really realized before, or I did and never really thought about it, but sometimes single events can have such a far reaching consequence into the future that it isn't until years later we fully realize how things could have been different.

Case in point. When I first found out I was pregnant with Warren I considered all of my options. Abortion was immediately out of the question. I understand why some women may choose that option, but I couldn't do it, it just wasn't something I was willing to consider. I thought about adoption, but I was too selfish to let my son go, and never see him again, or to stand by and stay out of it, while watching somebody else raise him. Women who choose this option are far stronger than I could be. I could have just left Mike, and not told him. Looking back I see that might have been a smart option, but at the time, I thought he had a right to know. I was also young, underemployed and scared shitless. I was also naive enough to think we could make something work. Yet many times I find myself wondering how my life might be different, how Warren's life might be different if I had made different choices. That is when the guilt monster makes his evil presense known (and if you have children believe me I am sure you are familiar with the evil creature).

This hideous creature likes to sit on your shoulder when times are tough, and tell you how "if you had made this choice, instead of that one, things would be so much better" Its favorite activity is to push all the guitly buttons and insure you never forget how many of your problems are your own fault. After all, if you had given him to stable parents, or had dumped your drunken ex many years ago, instead of consistantly trying to make it work maybe your son wouldn't have all these problems, that his pain is partially your responsibilty.

This monster is also a keen observer of all things that aren't done, or could be improved on. Why did you order pizza? A good mother would have a homemade fully balanced meal on the table?, You shouldn't loose your temper good mothers don't yell those things at their kids. Why aren't you making more money, you are so lazy, get off your ass and find a better job (okay so every once inawhile it hits one right), Why aren't you enjoying playing with your son, you shouldn't be wishing you could just go on the computer and tune things out, that's not being a good mommy. And so on, and so on...

Most of the time, I am able to banish this monster to the basement of my mind where he belongs, but sometimes he won't stay there. I know I have done the best I could with what I had, what worries me, is will Warren know that, or will he think I failed him? I never understood my mother at all, we were always at odds. It was only when I became a mother myself and Warren started growing up, that I could finally see things from her point of view. We have never been close, not like some mothers and daughters not like I would like to be, like I was with my dad. I could never understand why mom loved me, but didn't sometimes seem to like me, like I was more than she could handle. Looking back at my childhood I can easily see, now that I have the eyes of a mother, how I am sure she felt like I wasn't what she had in mind when she wanted children. My mom was quiet and reserved, I was also shy, but very independant, iike my son I seemed to have been born with an opinion on everything, usually the opposite of that held by who ever was in charge. I was quiet and shy around strangers, but hell on wheels around those I knew well, and would argue anything just for the sake of arguing (Warren's was my mom's version of wait until you have kids, they'll be just like you).

Like I said I didn't realize this until I was an adult. I think my mom still feels like we are distant, I try to reach out, but its strangely odd, like visiting a foreign country where you know nothing of the culture or language, but have to take a crash course.

In a different world would we have been close? Would Warren be different, what kind of person could I be (and no I have not been watching The Butterfly Effect), will Warren be successful because of his background, is this what is right, and would choosing one of the other paths have denied the world something, or did my making the choices I did do that? (hopefully that made sense).

Don't even get me started on what would have happened had my grandfather stayed in Sweden, or had my great-grandparents not been able to "smuggle themselves" out of Russia. I boggle my own mind sometimes, and not always in a good way..

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Mini-Bio

In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.

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