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anything is better than housework

Tuesday, Nov. 08, 2005 @ 12:13 pm
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Two entries in one day? I'll do anything as an excuse not to do my housework. That and my 12year old may not make it to 13, if I don't get to vent. The not being a morning person I understand, it is definately genetic, though strangley the older I get, the more I am turning in to my mother the morning person in that respect, but the bad attitude and the constant fault finding has got to go.

It started off with breakfast. I made pancakes and they turned out perfect, Warren was thrilled. Than he saw that I heated up the syrup, and he had a meltdown. Now the syrup wasn't sitting on top of his pancakes it was soaking in and running all over his plate, and he can't eat that, don't ever do that again mom, don't you know anything.. I can't eat this and now my hands are sticky, thanks alot for ruining breakfast mom. Than we get to the doctor, and he is mad because he has to wait, and we endup going at it in the doctor's office, because he feels I contribute everything good or bad to the meds, instead of sometimes to just him. In his defense I agreed sometimes I do have a hard time separating what is the meds, what is his condition/issues, and what is just a normal part of being a teenage boy. But to hear him tell it, you would think I was a total idiot or something. I know he doesn't really feel that way, and he is a good kid, but my god, I swear he has whatever the male equivalent of PMS is. It is like living with Jeckyll and Hyde. His father has the same mood swings, and I am convinced his substance abuse is in part an attempt to self medicate his own mental illness as much as it is an attempt to deal with overwhelming emotions (he has been thru some serious stuff - including watching a good friend get shot to death), add in my own mental issues, which also run in the family, and it isn't hard to see why I am more than a bit concerned. I realize he is the first one on either side to have help from such an early age, but I still can't help worrying. Where is the line between normal adolescant moodiness and something more.

He holds it together very well in school and in public, so I think part of it is that he trusts me enough to feel like he can let go and vent on me, because I won't disown him or leave him, no matter how much I might threaten, but that doesn't make it any easier for me.

It is also part of why I think this sudden food issue of is, may be something more. In his defense he has never outright refused to try anything (or very rarely). He will always try it, and than make snide comments. I get the feeling part of it, is just a reason to vent and part of it maybe some kind of control issue. Usually I try not to make a huge deal out of it. He can have something else, but he has to make it himself and it has to be reasonably healthy. I'm not running a restaurant, and he isn't living on junk food. I'm lucky in that department, in that he does love most vegetables, and will eat leafy green things like a rabbit, so I'm not concerned nutrionally speaking for the most part. However on the flip side, he also has an unnatural preference for items dipped in batter or breaded and fried. He also has a strong fondness for cheese, especially Muenster, Mozzarella, Parmesean and Extra Sharp Cheddar. I just get tired of going to all the work to make something resemebling a healthy balanced meal, only to have him make some snide remark or comment. I don't think he truly understands my feeling at all.

When I was little, I was a very fussy eater. According to my mom, I wouldn't eat many of the things I love now. I got less fussy as I became a teenager, though when PMS hit, I only wanted certain tastes and way too much of them, as that is when my weight issues began. It is also where I can trace my depression issues to. As I got older and left home, I opened up my taste's a little more, but was still limited to what flavors or textures I would eat. Some of it was no doubt in my mind, as I learned that somethings that sounded, looked or didn't smell a certain way were actually not that bad. But it is only recently as I find my self only 3 and half years away from 40, that I have truly opened my mind up to trying more new things and expanding my horizons. I also find myself more willing to try other new things.

Hitting 30 for me was not big deal, but I have a feeling that 40 will definately be a big deal. It is half way to 80, and suddenly health issues I ignored in my 20's and early 30's don't seem so far off. I don't wanna die, young I want to see my son graduate, I want to be a grandmother someday, I want to be around to watch my son become succesfull. But if I dont' get my cholesterol down, watch my blood sugar (in the acceptable range, but at the upper limits), and drop some of this excess baggage I won't get the chance.

My father had a massive coronary at 65 and he was fairly healthy. My grandmother spent the last 8 years of her life, blind, depressed and out of touch with reality, a victim of glaucoma (she didn't treat it like she should), alteriouscoloris, and and unamed form of dementia. Her sister died in agony from osteoperosis among other things. When I was young I never thought about that stuff, it seemed like eons away, and I felt like I would live forever. Now suddenly I find myself so much more aware of my own mortality. When Warren turns 18, I will only be 42, more than young enough to enjoy and potential grandchildren that might be in my future, yet somehow it seems old, I am starting to feel old. How can I possibly be old enough to have a child that old. Warren is looking so much more like an adult than a child everyday, even if he has a lot of growing up to do, sometimes his grownupness is down right scary (even if he acts like he is 5 one minute, and like he is 25 the next). At my age my mom just starting in the baby department. She was 36 when I was born and 39 almost 40 when my brother was born. As much as I love being a mom, I can honestly say there is not a single **bleeping** way I would want to start over with a baby at this stage, ignorning the financial and practical issues, the thought of nursing again, and getting up every two hours, dealing with colic, unidentified rashes, diapers, babysitters, babyproofing.. I dont' know how my mom did it. How do moms who have kids so late in life, keep up? Warren is 12 and he wears me out, if I had to chase a toddler or preschooler I think I'd drop from exhaustion.

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Mini-Bio

In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.

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