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Have you seen Leanna Warner?
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Wednesday, Nov. 02, 2005 @ 10:58 pm
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Imagine my suprise when I came home from work today and discovered that my son had decided to make dinner and had it all ready and waiting. The kid has amazing potential as a cook. He needs to work on a few things, but he is developing quite a talent. He has watched me make pancakes from scratch quite a few times, and I've talked him thru it. Tonight he made them all by him self and while the first two were tossers, the one's he saved were actually pretty good, even if he did get a little happy with the baking soda. He also made scrambled eggs. There was a bit too much oil in the pan and you could see streaks of white in the yellow, but they were still quite good. The sausage he made in the Black and Decker George Forman knock off. By the time I came home, everything was done and in the oven.

My baby is growing up so fast. Despite his issues, I am amazed at what a great kid he is, and how smart he seems to be. Everyday he is one step closer to being a grown up. Tommorrow he wants me to make pancakes again, so I can teach him the recipe (guess that means a SunM@rt run for buttermilk). I'm not sure where this renewed interest in food is comming from, but lately he's been wanting to cook with me again, and actually watch. He also asks amazing questions, like why do you have to add certain ingredients, and what happens if you add too much or too little of this or that. He also wants to know what spices I put in everything and what goes together and how to fry and what temperatures. He never ceases to amaze me. I'm just glad I've had food service/cooking experience and come from a family of great cooks. My baby is needing me less and less (yet more ironically in some ways)

The school meeting went great. Warren is doing lightyears better. He still has to work on a lot, and while he is quite capable of understanding the material at the 8th grade level, he is doing a modified curriculum as he works so slow he doesn't do nearly the volume that would be normally expected of a middle school student, but he is better off being a challanged c+ 8th grade worker, instead of a bored silly A+ 6th grade worker. I tend to agree. We also agree that much of his problem (if not most of it) stem from the chaos that is his father. It is pretty sad when the only time a kid can be happy and function normally with out worrying about his father is when said father is in jail. Both Warren and his dad have the idealized fantasy of having some sort of fairytale My Three Sons type relationship, but Mike is in total denial as to why Warren is so angry at him and why I don't want him around. Warren just wants his dad to follow the rules and behave like a father and a grownup.

Sadly I think Warren is more mature than his father, he just hurts so bad. How weak does a man have to be that he would continually choose booze and drugs over his son. I understand it is a disease and some people are just overpowered by thier urges, but I guess I don't truly understand it, because I just can't imagine anything being more important than my child. I guess denial really is a long deep river, filled with illusion. Looking over the last 13 years, I've come to realize that Mike most likely won't give up his demons, he has so much pain and they are the only things that take that away. He will most likely end up one of those guys who lives in a house for incurables, and that breaks my heart. He can be a great guy when he is clean and trying. I know he loves his son, but the desire to be chemically altered is apparently stronger than his desire to be a father. He isn't stupid (not as dumb as I like to make him out to be) he has to see. The only time Warren doesnt' worry about him is when he is in jail and he knows where he is and that he is okay and not getting drunk or high, or dealing with some very shady types.

When he is out of jail, Warren is so busy worrying about him, wanting to be with him and feeling guilty about being angry at him, and hurt that he just won't clean up. I've tried talking and talking to him that is isn't his fault, it isn't my fault, The only person who can get his father clean is his father. His father and greatgrandfather were alcholics, and Mike has been abusing since he was Warren's age (and don't think that doesn't give me nightmares). Nobody else can make him clean up. I think cognitively Warren understands that, but in his heart he just wants his daddy.

The subject of Alateen was also brought up at the meeting. I'm not sure how the groups are here, but I think he is getting old enough that something like that would be good for him. He responds better kids older than him, especially if he can be with other kids who have been there, and can tell him he isn't alone.

A few weeks ago, I had a really weird dream, that is still disturbing me. It wasn't a scary dream exactly more like one that I think touched on some issues I am having trouble with. In this dream Warren and I were in a Target parking lot. I was wearing khaki pants and a red shirt for some reason. I am standing in the middle of the parking lot near the cart corral and arguing with this employee who is insisting I get to work and need to get these tasks done, while I am trying to explain that I don't work at Target, and I need to get to my son. Meanwhile my son is driving our car around the parking lot in circles over and over again. But this person won't let me leave and I end up running off to try and get to Warren but before anything else can happen I wake up. I haven't had a dream bother me like that in ages.

On a lighter note, if you are ever in Fargo, avoid the McD's across from Petro like the plague, at least in the afternoon. I stopped to pick up something to go on my way back to work as I hadn't eaten since 10 and it was after 1;30. I could have gotten my food faster if I dug the potatos and butchered the chicken myself. (There were 7 postal trucks in the lot so insert postal joke of choice here). There was a line to the door, but do they open a new till? Of course not, that might speed things up. There was one girl on the till who looked like she should still be in High school, or middle school, the staff and back were talking loud enough for us customers to get all sorts of personal scoop on who doesn't/does like working with who, and who does/doesnt' do what.

Then the till girl started scratching herself inside he shirt and got huffy when she was told to wash her hands and knock it off, and than also told to get busy and not be standing around. My fast food took almost 20 minutes. Looking back in kitchen it was also a bit of the Keystone Cooks. Don't they train these people anymore. Let's hope they were just short handed or having a bad day. I've been there before in the early AM with no problem. But it may be a while before I go back there again.

Warren was exhausted tonight. They had another field trip today. This time they went to Oak Grove park to play Frisbee golf. By 9pm he was out like a light. Sometimes I love to just watch him sleep. I can't believe that he is my son, my baby. That this young man in front of me, was once the helpless baby who only slept in 20 minute increments, who's first words included Mokile (motorcycle), and who started walking by 10 months of age. This young man can't be my baby boy. I am so proud of him, he is such a great kid. I can't believe anybody would rather get wasted than be his parent. I just hope someday Mike can realize what he is sacrificing, before it is too late, if it isn't already. He is my world, even when he makes me insane. Mike has no idea what he has cost himself.


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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.