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Another depressing entry

Tuesday, May. 17, 2005 @ 9:00 am
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Well the good news is Warren is home. I am so happy to have him back, but Mike is also around. We are still fighting, though I think we may have reached a somewhat tenious truce even if it is short lived. Once again he managed to seriously let me down (or should I say I allowed him to let me down, it was nothing that my years of experience shouldn't have prepared me for). Of course we have been fighting off and on all night and morning.

He screwed up and admitted it, I over reacted and went total nuclear meltdown, which in retrospect was not the best way to handle things. I just feel so stressed my self, and Mike has his own stresses, that it was like a return to "The Day After".

Today Warren started in partial program. He didn't get much sleep last night, as he just couldn't fall alseep. I finally ended up giving him another Geodon, as he says it helps him fall asleep. Now I have to figure out how to pay for the next months supply, even with BC/BS I just hope it won't be some obscene amount.

Warren was so tired this morning. I wish I didn't have to work I would have let him sleep in. With all the stress going on I feel so sorry for him. He deserves so much better. I mean last night we had pizza (his choice of toppings, Canadian bacon, pepperoni, and sausage - my little carnivore), and I had picked up a small single layer round cake at the bakery the night before and used a can of green frosting to write "Welcome home" in a messy scrawl on top. He was very thrilled that I got a cake, and for a moment he thought I bought a cake just for him. (I did, but it was off the shelf, not specially ordered). We had a quiet evening, and then I was forced to deal with his dad.

At first things were okay, but then I just had to let go and go nuclear. Of course he reacted just as badly and things soon got ugly. I wish I could have just made him go away, but unfortunately in this case, it is a bit complicated and I couldn't. Once things are out of that old garage and I am settled up with the guy I am buying the car from than things will be better, but for now they are hell.

I should be thrilled that I have my boy back, but back to what. As mean as it sounds sometimes I think in some strange ways he was better off in the hospital. I miss him like hell, but at least I know he was in a peaceful place and safe from all the crap in the world, safe from the hell that has become his world. Safe from his dad and I. I wish we could get along, but I just get so damn mad, and feel so damn invalidated around him, like everything I do is wrong and stupid, like nothing I do matters or counts for anything, which makes me so angry I treat him that way, which makes him more angry and the viscous cycle ensues. I know the drugs and alcholol are a large part of it, but I don't drink, and I have never done any drugs. I just wish I wasn't so angry and depressed all the time.

Mike deserves alot of it, but not all of it. I wish I wasn't always having money issues. I wish I wasn't crying right now, and I could stop bursting in to tears with customers who are perfectly pleasant and not doing anything wrong. Something has got to change. I'm supposed to have tickets for the midnight show of ROTS. I've been looking forward to this for almost three years, and now I don't even seem to care if I go. With Warren in partial and my appt witih the councilor the next morning at 8 am, it just really seems like a bad idea. I don't even feel like camping out for tickets, or even seeing it first run like I always do. Just one more depressing ending.

I also missed my depo shot, so now I am leaking like a collander and my face looks like I have the chicken pox, except I don't. (35 years with out nary a pimple, now suddenly my face thinks it is 13 or something). I should be glad for Warren right now he is the only thing preventing me from going off and doing something stupid. One minute I am fine, the next minute I'm a floodgate. I am so sick of this god damn fucking drama, just once can't I be the one with the peaceful happy home, and the happy well adjusted child, and an ex I don't wish great misery on or is that too much to ask. Or did I bring all this on?

I wish all this drama would just go away. I want to live a nice quiet life alone with my son, and watch him grow in to a happy responsible adult, with out ugly memories of his childhood, without all the stress and drama that makes it so hard for him to function in the world.

I don't know how much more I can take.


Prequels ~ Sequels

Daily Dumbass:
Thankful For: I should be thankful my son is home and we can snuggle together again.
Music of the mind: : When the lights go down on the city...

~*~Have you read these~*~

~ Ode to a child who is no more ~
~ She's baaack ~
~ testing ~
~ Facebook me ~
~ Bleech ~

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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.