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Thursday, Mar. 31, 2005 @ 2:35 pm
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Mom Can I get a goodbye kiss before I leave?
Warren MOM!! I'm 11 years old for Christ Sake!!
Gotta love 'em!!!

My blinkies and other pictures, not counting the ones I recently uploaded still have not returned, apparently the Great Diaryland Crash of 2005 sent them off to cyberspace never to be seen again.. I have reuploaded the ones I could find on my computer, but apparently many of them disappeared as they will do when the computer is being shared by an 11 year old trying to make room for his car videos.

Most of you have probably already heard more than you want to about the recent school tragedgy that happened not too far from here (150 miles to be exact). I've been thinking alot about it lately, as there also seem to be a large number of schools getting bomb threats also in this area, mainly from students who are angry and have a bad case of the stupids, including a few months ago, the high school my son will supposedly be attending in 4 years (5 if the plans for the 9th grade academy go thru on schedule). Several schools have evactuated or had to cancel school (mostly in Minnesota). It is the main story in all the local papers and all over the news (locally if not nationally). But the other night I found out it is even closer to home than I realized. When I first saw a picture of the kid in the paper something about him looked familiar, but I chalked it up to deja vu and let be.

A few days later Warren and I were watching tv and he stated the same thing, then a few minutes later.. he had an eureka type moment (only in this case not such a happy one) when it dawned on him where he recognized him from.. "He was in *** the same time I was" Those of you who are new to my journal may not know that my son was hospitalized back a couple years ago for mental health reasons (he has actually been hospitalized a few times going back to when he was 7). Warren was in the chidren's wing, which happens to be across the hall from the adolecent side (adults were on another floor entirely). But then it hit me I did remember seeing him there too, and having read in the papers that he had a suicide attempt which would have been at approximately the same time, this particular hospital would be the most logical place for him to have been. I can't say any names as that information is confidenial), however even though neither Warren nor I actually ever met him or had any interaction, just knowing that is enough to make me even more fearful.

This is the upper midwest, Lutheran work ethic, good manners, people saying hi to strangers, doors left unlooked all day, neighbors who know each other forever.. both North Dakota and to a large extent most of MN are very close knit states, the kind of places where if you tell somebody you are from so and such town they are likely to ask if you know so and so, as they know somebody who lived or went to school there, or a relative of someone they know. In otherwords, there is probably less than 6 degrees between any two people in either state. That is not the type of environment one would expect this kind of tragedy to happen in. Or is it?

I grew up in a very small rural community in western ND, a town with a population of less than 2000, a town where many kids were bused over 20 miles each way every day to school as there were only enough kids in the county to support one school, and many kids who could have gone to other schools went to ours as it was larger and had more money, which isn't saying much as there were only 33 kids in my senior class and 30 of us had known each other since the first day of kindergarten (or before). A group this size would be rather close knit and free of the cliques and popularity shit that plagues larger school right? Not nessesarily.. we weren't as cliquey as most schools, and to most teachers and adults we appeared to be rather open and accepting. I guess in a lot of ways we were, but in other ways we were definatley not so much. There were definately some unwritten rules, If you were a star athelete you could do anything and you were guaranteed popularty no matter what. If you were skinny and pretty, if you were like most everybody else you were fine.

But whoa to the kid who was different, the kid who didn't like many of the same things as the other kids, or the kid who didn't quite know how to get along socially, the kid who was overwieght with allergies and not so cool clothes, who liked to read books and who loved science fiction, who stayed home on Friday and Saturday nights instead of cruising Main, and going to the Creek to get drunk, so they could spend all the restof the week talking about who puked on who.

That kid would still be left out of most things, that kid would be the last one picked for teams (this is back in the day when coaches and teachers still had kids pick teams and groups), that kid would also get subtle reminders in the hall that they don't fit in, whispers behind thier back, parties that they are not invited to, people doing imitations of them to be mean, that sort of thing.

If that kid were lucky they would find a friend or few who also dont' quite fit in, and who have similiar interests. If this kid is really lucky, these kids will be good influences and not bad influences, and if this kid is very very lucky, they will have a loving family that gives a damn and pays attention. If not this kids sense of isolation and being left out, this kids depression, might be over come by this kids rage at those kids who make life a day to day hell (especially in junior high, older kids seem to eventually mature and grow up).

If this kid is smart she will also develop a rich fantasy life in a world where she can have a sense of revenge with out actually hurting anyone. But if this kid is unlucky, they may feel they have nobody to turn to, nobody to understand, they may feel angry at everyone around them, and eventually become so lost inside thier own head that fantasies become reality and one day they decide they have had enough and decide to act out.

This kid will finally have attention and notoriety, but it will be to late, even though they are a victim, no one will care, because too many innocent people had to go down with them, because nobody noticed until it was too late, nobody cared enough to see what was really going on... Nobody wanted to know the different kid, the odd kid. Some may have tried, but did they try really or did the kid just feel like somebody's do good project. Did they really listen, did they really try? Or were they themselves too concerned with how they fit in, how they were liked? The silent cry for help from others drowned out by the shouting in thier own head?


Prequels ~ Sequels

Daily Dumbass: No one today
Thankful For: My son is having a great week at school
Music of the mind: : One of these nights...lonely lonely nights..

~*~Have you read these~*~

~ Ode to a child who is no more ~
~ She's baaack ~
~ testing ~
~ Facebook me ~
~ Bleech ~

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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.