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Happy 2005

Saturday, Jan. 01, 2005 @ 9:41 am
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I'd love to be able to report a fabulous night out last night with a wonderful date, and an evening full of drinking and partying. I would love to but I would be lying. Okay not totally lying. I did have a fabulous date, a 5' 4" redhead with freckles on his nose, and a great sense of humor. We went out for a fabulous meal and then hung out together having a great time drinking and toasting the New Year together. So it isn't a complete lie.

However to be totally honest, my date was only 11 years old, and his name for me is Mom. Our fabulous dinner was a Grande Combo at Taco Bell, and the rest of the night was spent together watching TV and hanging out,drinking and toasting the new year with blue cherry Kool-Aid and calling it a night at 10pm. So the truth is really all in how you look at it.

The same could be said for 2004. It was far from the best year of my life, and a lot of crappy things have happened. However I can't over look the fact that a lot of good things happened also. My son has matured this year by leaps and bounds. Even though he only went from 10 to 11, he seemed to go from 10 to 13. He is finally taking school serious (or at least a lot more serious than he was), has realized that he needs to buckle down and work hard as his future is the one at stake. He has grown tremedously both physically and emotionally, as well as intellectually. Everyday the kid amazes me more and more. He is growing and changing almost as fast as when he was little. He intelligence and abilities have grown to the point where sometimes he scares me. I can barely tighten a screw and this kid is wiring laptop screens to stereos and vcrs, and talking about equalizers and woofers and so on, like he has been doing it all his life. This kid would be more than happy to trade all his books and pencils for a tool kit, a garage and an endless supply of things to fix.

He is on his way to becoming the man he will someday be. It is not the man I was hoping for, but the man who he will be. My dreams for his future will have to be replaced with his own dreams and goals. I am learning the slow art of letting go, and accepting him for who HE IS, not who I WANT him to be. And it is not easy.

He has made a giant step on to that long winding path that leads between childhood and adulthood, entering that confusing and difficult grey area that separates boyhood from manhood. I look at him and I have to remind myself that he is only 11, and that he acts like a boy because he still is a boy.

For the first time since Warren's birth, I had almost an entire year of little or no contact with his father, which made for a much smoother year. However this also forced me to face several issues, which I unfortunately can't blame on Mike anymore, no matter how much I would like to. I dug my self in a financial hole I am still trying to climb out of. I am stil having trouble facing alot of things that won't go away, if I ignore them and pretend they don't exist. Yet I don't feel ready to face them, as that would make them real, and then I would be forced to deal with them. I need to walk around the elephant, so to speak, so I can pretend it isn't in the room. If I acknowldege it, I have to figure out what the hell I am going to do about it. I am not ready to make that decision, not yet.

It's been a year of loss, including one of my favorite aunts. I hadn't seen her since my uncle's funeral, when Warren was only about 5 or 6. I never really thought about it, until mom told me she died. Now I really regret not seeing her more. She was a great lady, and a wonderful person, she deserved a longer life. It also means I need to take a more active role in keeping contact with the relatives I do have still alive, while I still have the chance.

It also forced me to realize that my mom is not young anymore either. Even though my mom is past 70, she is still in relatively good health, depsite her severe asthma. But she is also not young anymore. She is not able to do the things she used to (and I used to) take for granted. I look at her and find it hard to reconile this older, skinnier, less strong woman with the tough, strong, hard, stubborn as nails woman who raised me. Losing my aunt forced me to realize that despite what I want to believe, my mom is not going to be around forever either and that scares me. I am 35, and scared of losing my mother. Even though I am the mother of an almost teenager, with a full time job, and my own place, I still want my mom to take care of me. I am not ready to face the fact that some day it may be the other way around.

I am also not ready for the fact that, I will also be the one left to watch out for my brother. My brother the golden child, who for the longest time I resented, but who I have come to have a guarded relationship with. I love him, cause he is my brother, but I just don't know how to relate to him as an adult. When we were kids it was easy: he was someone for me to tease, a built in playmate, someone I could have fun with. But I never really got to know him, not as a person. I know it isn't his fault, and he can't help that he is slow and a little different. And that I am the one who needs to let go of childhood jealousies, which were my issue not his. That much of it was my mom's trying to cope with her own guilt and blaming herself for my brother's numerous issues. I need to, and I know I should, but actually doing it, that is another story.

I am not one for making resolutions as they usually wind up being huge goals, that leave me set up for disapointment. I know I could make smaller resolutions, that are more definate and come up with steps for slowly reaching those goals, but there again, I would be acknowledging the elphant I am not ready to face. I know what I need to do, and I am hoping to face it down and deal with it, in my own time.

My only resolution for 2005, is to make it an improvement on 2004. This is the last year before my son becomes officially a teenager, this is the year I turn 36, and the milestone of 35 will become another memory. This is year that my son will leave elementary school behind and join the wonderful world of middle school. This is the year my mom plans to sell her house and move in to a retirement condo. This is the year my ex will finish his sentence and once again be a free man, forced to face his demons with nothing to stop him from getting high or drunk if he so chooses (right now he is at a half-way house with restricted commings and goings and nothing stronger than the occassional smoke allowed). This year is not even 24 hours old, and I am already anticipating a year of changes. My biggest goal for the year is to face them head one, and welcome them as inevitable steps of my path to wherever I am headed.

HAPPY 2005


Prequels ~ Sequels

Daily Dumbass: Idoits on the front page of the Forum, hacked a guy up for $60 in drug money..
Thankful For: My son was not hurt when he tumbled down the stairs. My laptop however is now DOA
Music of the mind: : "So this is Christmas" John Lennon.."Another year over and another one just begun...

~*~Have you read these~*~

~ Ode to a child who is no more ~
~ She's baaack ~
~ testing ~
~ Facebook me ~
~ Bleech ~

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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.