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Long and winding ramble

Sunday, Apr. 18, 2004 @ 10:14 pm
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It was another one of those almost typical weekends here. Except that Alex spent the night, again on Saturday night, which meant the only he and Warren didn't do much of was sleep. I finally corralled them with lights off about 12:30 - 1:00am. They were having so much fun and being so nice that I just let them enjoy it. It so nice to see Warren have good friends and spend time just being a young boy. I keep wanting to say little boy, but he's not a little boy anymore. He has a long way before he can be considered a man, but he is definately not a little boy.

I fully realized this Saturday morning when he was sitting on the edge of my bed putting on his shoes and talking about something, I dont' remember what. I just suddenly saw him differently. I can't explain it. It was like something just hit me, this isn't my little baby boy anymore. This is a separate individual human being with his own ideas and beliefs, that may not always agree with mine. I looked at his baby/toddler pictures on my wall, and I had to remind myself that this is that same boy. That same boy who loved to pick up rocks when he was three years old (and we were finding them EVERYWHERE), the same boy who resisted and refused doing number two in the toilet, until one day out of the blue he annouced he was going to poop in the potty and he never needed a pull up again. The same little boy who refused to sleep if he didn't like the way I layed him in his crib, the same baby who's favorite sleeping place was being held my mommy. (and who still loves to snuggle with mom, but would remove his own appendex before admitting it to anyone). That this little boy, I used to carry, who used to hold my hands and walk up me until he could flip over himself, has now been replaced with a miniature almost adult.

I looked at him, and for a moment it was like I was seeing him for the first time again. I suddenly realized just how much he has really grown, and how much more mature his features are becomming. How less and less each day he resembles a child, and how more and more he is starting to resemble a young man. His features are becomming more masculine daily, he has even start to totally confuse me with some of his logic in his actions, a sure sign he is becomming more manlike every day. I know it is a long time before he will be a full man, but my little baby boy is no more. I still can't figure out when this happened. I mean just three years ago I could still pick him up, though it was hard work. Now, he can practically pick me, up. Is this when the role reversal first slowly starts developing, as he gets bigger and stronger and more mature. And I stay level until age kicks in and thirty five years from now, roles will have fully reversed as he comes in to check on me, and make sure I have taken my meds, and do I need anything? After all it was only twenty-five years ago, I was his age, and things like paying bills, and going to work and doing laundry weren't something I ever needed to worry about.

Responsiblity meant getting my homework done, and feeding the chickens and cats, and occasionally looking after my brother. Now my mom, is the old one, who I (well more so my brother) look in, and may someday have to think about other options for ( I hope I never have to, but life can happen quickly and unexpectedly sometimes), and its seems to have happened so fast.

One minute I'm a little kid, playing behind the barn without a care in the world, next thing I know I'm single, pregnant and scared out of my wits, close my eyes and I have a budding adolecscent male, trying to establish himself in the world, with out a father to set the right example. How did so much time pass so fast. When did it happen? Where did it go? Will I blink and be the 70+ year old lady, waiting for a call from the grandkids?

I mean I already find myself talking about my son's music (if you can call it that), the way my parents did about my tastes. Something I never thought I would do. I've actually caught myself saying "When I was a kid.." and worst of all, my son thinks of when I was a kid, as way back when.. I mean who'd have ever thought the 70's and 80's would ever become way back when? I never thought that would be possible.

Then again, I also never expected to seriously crush on soembody who was born when I was in Junior High school. I tell you time happens way to fast, except when I am waiting at a stop light, or in a hurry to go someplace I really look foreward to and then it seems to stand still. Yet once it happens it seems like it was so fast.

I didn't think Warren would ever master potty teaching. I had begun to think I had the only kid who would have to excuse himself from the prom to change his pull up. Yet now I look back on it, and it seems like a lifetime ago. I can't remember the last time I changed diaper or pull up. At the time it was such a huge deal, it had me so worried and upset. Yet Warren matured in his own time, at his pace when he was ready, despite my wishing and pushing otherwise. And now in the grand scheme of things, it just seems like it wasn't nearly as big as deal as I made it out to be. A lot of things seem to be that way. At the time they are happening they are such huge deals, and we spend so much energy on them. Yet with the benefit of time, we can look back and see just how much of our fears and worries were wasted energy, fearing things that never happened, or that happened the way they were going to inspite of us trying to change it. And yet, we survived and may have been better for it, though we may not have thought so at the time.

I guess I've just started to realize that life is going to happen if we like it or not and we can either roll with its punches and waves and make the best of things, or we can waste our rescources fighting the inevitable, trying to make silk from sow ears and pretending the pink elephant isn't infront of us, hopping it will go away. Or we can try and fight things, and make people bend to our will, ignoring thier free choice in the matter, another waste of energy. OR we can just accept things as they are and realize that somethings can be changed, and somethings are just going to happen the way they are going to happen. I just wish I was wise enough to always know the difference, because sometimes hindsight is the only way to tell for sure. Though others more neutral maybe able to see it right away. That I guess is the true trick.

Okay, I guess I have more to say tonight than I thought, I usually try not to ramble so much. And here I was just going to right about Warren having another sleep over, though this time, they did actually spend a large amount of time at Alex's because he has a PS2. And that my Yankee pot roast on Saturday was to die for. I need a bigger pan, as the carrots and potatoes were so delicious they were gone instantly. There is somethign about roast carrots that is addicive. I also made a homemade (well semi-homemade thanks to canned stock) gravy that was so rich and yummy I almost ate myself sick.

Sunday was a lazy day. Warren had lunch at Alex's and they tried to build a fort out of boxes in the back yard. Warren finally cleaned his room and helped do dishes as per the chart/agreement we worked out. He even did most of his homework until it became apparent he was too tired and cranky to finish.

And best of all, I only have to work three days this week. Thurs is my regular day off, and I have Fri, Sat and Sun off for Valley Con 29. I can't wait. Then I need to find the money to pre reg for VC 30, which will be the best one in ages. Terry Brooks and Boris Vallejo (I didn't know much of him before, but I checked out some of his work and damn is he one good artist). Then just few months after that is Celebration III, in Indianapolis. If I didn't know better I'd think I was a con junkie. I wish I could afford to be one. They are one of the few places where I feel comfortable enough to let my hair down so to speak and be myself and know I won't be looked down at or made fun of. Cause Sci fi/Fantasy people are the coolest people on Earth.

Okay time to shut up now. On top of everything else, Warren and I both forgot we were going to visit RB today. And sometime this week they are hauling his sorry ass to either Jamestown or Bismark, I can't remember where. So I will be totally 100% free of him for at least a year or so. No wonder I feel an urge to do cartwheels. Though I did miss getting back to C*. I hope she isn't too pissed at me.


Prequels ~ Sequels

Daily Dumbass: Alfonso Rodregez. I hope they nail his ass to the wall. Just admit it already you sleaze
Thankful For: My ex is going to prison, my ex is going to prison.. doo dah doo dahh
Music of the mind: : Not a dry eye in the house.. Meat Loaf.. see latest SW hyperspace pic for details

~*~Have you read these~*~

~ Ode to a child who is no more ~
~ She's baaack ~
~ testing ~
~ Facebook me ~
~ Bleech ~

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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.