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Depressing pre-holiday entry

Friday, Nov. 28, 2003 @ 3:04 am
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As many entries as I have made in this little white box, sometimes I go thru periods where I still find it intimidating. I don't even understand it myself. At work and during the day when I can't be online, there are so may things I would like to write about, need to write about. Yet for some reason, lately there is something that seems to be holding me back. I don't know if it is the season, or just another downswing of my mood-a-vator, or just something I am going through.

TodayI woke up in a reasonably good mood, then RB called. Lately I haven't been answering when he calls (my caller Id shows his Jailhouse calls as pay phone). I sometimes feel guilty about it, because of Warren, but I just really want nothing to do with him right now. But today, because a bunch of Pilgrims and Native Americans sat down to a meal that was turned into a huge excuse to sell turkeys and pilgrim centerpieces, in the guise of a good message, that should be carried out all year, not just on an arbitrary day Congress decided would be nice, I guilted my self in to talking to him. Of course he wanted to see Warren, and for my son's benifit I really couldn't say no. Warren was happy to see his dad, but depressed becaue he "couldnt' give him a real hug, or a real kiss, just that blowing stuff thru the glass". .

Then Warren and I put gas in the car and spent and hour cruising around wasting gas, before going to Royal Fork for dinner. (I am not a turkey fan, and refuse to eat Turkey sandwhiches for three weeks. I can eat it about twice a year and that is it.). We had a great dinner and then went home, and I read the paper while Warren drooled over all the ads for tommorrows kick off of the "Let's take a holiday that used to mean something and make it in to an excuse to get rich, while annoying as many people as possible season".

Then out of boredom we went to see Timeline, which I can best give a so-so rating. Its a good, throw your mind away, adventure, that has been done before, is full of major plotholes, and really doesn't make you give a damn about the characters to really give a hoot if one suddenly gets offed for no good reason. It makes you want to read the Michael Chriton novel just to see how badly the botched it.

AFter the movie we ended up comming home, where for reasons I can't understand my mood started to change. I love my son, and I am most thankful this year for him, and the progress he has made. But when I am with him somethings I find my self being unfairly cranky and crabby towards him. He is a ten year old who wants and needs the one parent he has left, and I try to understand that, but at the same time I am feeling this need to just be alone. I have to work to not snap at him to just get out of my way. I know he can sense this, he isn't dumb. Even tonight I think he felt hurt by my controled snippyness. He needs understanding and patience, and I seem to be running rather low on both of those things. Just tonight hecame runnng up to show me something he found in a ad, and he bumped into some stuff that wasn't all that important, I ended up snapping at him and yelling, and he was crestfallen. I appologized, but he was still upset. I have to work tommorrow, an I would rather be with him, but its too late. If I dont' work tommorrow I won't get my holiday pay,and I really really need the money. I try to spend time with him, but with homework, and cooking and so forth, and work and yadda yadda I just feel like the walls are closing in.

I know he knows I love him, but sometimes I don't think he feels it. Which explains why I am wide awake at 3am talking to the internet and watching old reruns on Nick@Nite, insterad of sleeping, when I have to work in less than 6 hours. The house is a pit, but I would rather sit around and read.

I have had this screen up for at least four hours before I finally refreshed it again and finally wrote something. I am not leaving diaryland, there are too many wonderful people here, but lately I feel like something is missing, and I don't know what it is. I just want to curl up in a semi dark room and read books and watch tv. To bad I'm a mom, and I don't get that option. My son has one deadbeat parent, he doesn't need another one. But lately that is exactly what I feel like.


Prequels ~ Sequels

Daily Dumbass: can't think of anyone tonight
Thankful For: As bad as things have been I still have a lot more than many, money not withsanding
Music of the mind: : "Cheers theme"

~*~Have you read these~*~

~ Ode to a child who is no more ~
~ She's baaack ~
~ testing ~
~ Facebook me ~
~ Bleech ~

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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.