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Anger guilt and other wasted emotions

Thursday, Nov. 06, 2003 @ 1:40 pm
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I'm not really in the mood to write about Valley Con today. Its been a hell of a day and it is not even 2pm.

One good thing about diaryland, whenever I start throw myself a pity party or feel bad I can usually find something to put things in perpective.

Warren had a really bad day, that started out fine, but as soon as we got to Dr.J's it became clear that it was going to turn into a bad day. His behavior was totally out of control, totally disrespectful, and just all around full blown ODD. Of course, I wouldn't take him out to eat before school because of this which only set him off futher. I told him if he behaved and did good we would other wise not. So I took him straight to school, where he promptly had a complete fit.

I know that things in his life are very stressful, I understand that it is very hard for him. His father is back in jail again. (Where he belongs, but that doesnt' make it easier for Warren who loves his dad very much and would like nothing more than to have two loving parents who don't hate each other, not an unreasonable request at all). The house is still a mess, my moods have been swinging lately, and it didn't help that I totally blew up at him the other day out of frustration over his lack of willingness to try.

My son is a very very intelligent child, but he has virtutally no tolerance for frustration. If he thinks it is too hard, he won't even bother trying. The sad part is I am often much the same way, especially when I was a kid. I didn't like doing things I wasn't good at, because I had an overwhelming fear (phobia like almost) of appearing stupid. I know I inheritied this characteristic in from my mom, but somehow I hoped to avoid passing it to Warren.

I know he is stressed and angry and he has every right to be, but I am bending backwards to keep things togethr and help him, and when he has the nerve to say I dont' care, I dont' love him and he would be better off dead, it becomes extremely difficult to be listening mother and not be angry mom who takes it as a personal assault.

I mean when he wouldn't eat school food, and I refused totake him home and feed him or take him out, my offering to bring him something wasn't good enough. Eventually I did bring him some mac and cheese, and after a brief nap (he slept 12 hours last night and was still tired??) he seemed to be in better spirits. But I feel like I am catering to him, giving in. I don't want him spoiled and thinking I will always bow to his demands, but at the same time I live in fear of a repeat of last year. It is a vicious cycle and one I desperately need to get off, but I can't seem to find the exit. He has so much potential, but he won't see it. His lack of reading skills has his self esteem so far down.

I blame myself for this, but guilt isn't going to fix it. The past due bill notices aren't helping, and I feel like I am drowning. I can't be a good mother when no matter how much I love my son, right now I just don't seem to like him. I feel like he needs more, needs something but I just dont' know what.

But back to that perspective I mentioned earlier. When I was really feeling my worst today about Warren, I came to the library to use the computer. I log into D*Land and read this entry. That put things in a whole new perspective. That poor child has never even been away from the hospital, and my child has a chance. He still has a chance. But it also makes me angry. He does have to go through a lot of things that aren't fair, he does have it harder than a lot of kids, but dammit he has a chance, and he can do it if he tries. When I see him wanting to throw his life away at such a young age, it tears my heart out and totally enrages me. But there doesn't seem to be anything I can do.

Yelling and loosing my temper are clearly not the answers. Complements and praise for some bizarre reason seem to not have the same effect on him as on other kids, though I suspect he likes it more than he lets on. I just feel totally trapped and guilty and angry..

Soo many questions, so few answers.


Prequels ~ Sequels

Daily Dumbass: People who live in ND all their lives and still don't know to slow down on ice..duh!!!
Thankful For: The chance to make a difference in Warren's life
Music of the mind: : That annoying game commercial.."Come and play a game, a game with me"

~*~Have you read these~*~

~ Ode to a child who is no more ~
~ She's baaack ~
~ testing ~
~ Facebook me ~
~ Bleech ~

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In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.