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Who Is The Cranky One?

30.08.01 @ 22:27
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First of all, let me start by bragging about my son who had another wonderful day at school. I know lately I sound like one of those annoying moms who kids are perfect, and do everything better, but I am not. If last year at this time my son was such a different person. He was out of control and in desperate need of help. This year he has had 100% in school everyday this week, and even worked on his own with out being told. For Warren this is a major and very praise worthy accomplishment. So of course like promised I took him out to Space Aliens to celebrate. Tommorrow he goes to his dad's so I had to make it today instead of Friday. For those not from North Dakota, Space Aliens is a local sci fi themed restaurant that is a cross between Applebees and Chuckie Cheese. They have both kids food and grown up food including alcholol. They also have a game room where the games give tokens, that can be traded in for various prizes. The pizza place in Toy Story reminds me alot of it. Warren had a blast. We both ate ribs till we burst. It was expensive but worth it. Tonight my son even studied his spelling words voluntarily. I am so proud of him right now I could burst. It is also amazing to watch someone learn to read, and discover a whole new world that becomes available when you can read.

Okay the title of this entry is called Who is the Cranky One.That is a question I have been struggling with all my life. Just who is this person everyone calls Holly. Well I guess the best way for me to anwser is to just sort of start with a history of my family and where I come from. Where things go from there I have no idea. I grew up in a very small town in northwestern North Dakota. If we were a few more miles west it would have been Montana. Any further north and I would have been a Canadian. Heck I grew up watching more Canadian TV than American because the stations were closer and had stronger signals. I even learned to count in and somewhat speak French at the same time I learned my numbers in English from watching Sesame Street and Mr. Dress Up on CBC. No Mr.Rogers Neighborhood for me. We didnt' get a PBS station until I was in jr. Hi. But anyway thats not what I want to talk about. My mom was raised in a very strict German (from Russia) Catholic family as the 10th out of 13 children. My grandparents as I found out from my aunt just recently were an arranged marriage. They didn't even have much say in the matter. This was in the early 1900's -19teens. My Great great grandparents had given up much weath when they moved to the Odessa area of Russia because of promises made by the Czar that were later reneged on. (as happened to many German families that moved to Russia). My Great Grandparents left Russia for the US, but had to hide much of who they were in order to basically smuggle themselves out of the country. In short in a few generations they had gone from well educated fairly well off doctors and professionals to strangers in a new country with basically nothing but what they had on thier backs. My maternal Grandparents raised 13 kids in a farm house with no running water, no electricity, and no indoor plumbing. There is a little over 15 or so years between my oldest Aunt Betty and my youngest aunt Floretta. 11 of thier kids made it to adult hood. Aloyiousus(not sure of spelling) died of pnuemonia as a toddler, becasue antibiotics didn't exist and even if they did there was no money for them. One was hit with a hey wagon when he was 11 or 12. Two more children died as young adults. Aunt Walberga died of TB in her 20's leaving a small child who disappeared with his father until we loctated him thru the internet last summer. My Uncle George died in Ockinawa during WWII. The rest of my aunts and uncles went on to have marry and have kids. Lots of kids. My Aunt Marie distanced from the family and became a cop or something for the pd in Sparks NV. She later became a recluse who refused much contact with the outside world. My Uncle Peter whos wife divorced him after 40+ years of marriage and 5 grown children was hit in his own living room by a 19 year old drunk driver who was speeding and lost control careening in to the four plex where my uncle lived. Others died of natural causes. I currently have (counts )3 aunts and 2 uncles alive plus my mom on this side of the family. I also have numerous cousins which would take a spreadsheet to count. Sadly both of my Grandparents passed on before I was born and I never met them. My mom is the survivor of not one but two house fires both of which took everything but the clothes on her back. And in the case of the second one her purse, because my aunt Hedy grabbed it as they were climbing out the winddow. It was only last summer that I ever saw a picture of my grandparents or of my mom as a young woman/girl. These were all pictures that my aunt Maggie had. On my Dad's side there was only my father and my Aunt Nina. I was very close to my Grandpa who spoiled me rotten and loved me like no one has ever loved me since. Sadly he died when I was only 3 and a half just under 4 months before my brother was born. My Grandpa was born and raised in a town called Lungbeholm Sweden. (if I spell this wrong Sianna feel free to correct me, my Swedish is beyond awful). He was one of about 5 or 6 kids I believe. One or two of whom didn't make it to adulthood. One had what was then called St. Vitas Dance or something like that. And one had a heart attack or something while running some kind of race. Earlier relatives of ours had already come to the us and settled here. When my grandfather was in his early 20's which was somewhere around 1912 or 13 he moved to the United States. He spoke no English until he got here, yet managed to make his way from Ellis Island to western North Dakota. When he moved here he also changed his last name from Jonson to Johnson in an attempt to Amerincanize it. He worked doing various jobs and such until he met my Grandmother. My Grandmother (Mell) was born in Alexandria Mn, and than later grew up in a tiny tiny town called Yipsilanti ND. (my moms family was from Ouren ND pop less than 100). She was also one of several kids. My Great grand parents who I dont' know a lot about were from some where around the Oslo area of Norway. (I still have relatives there as well as in Sweden where they still have the same house my family had for the last 200 years, even still some of the furnishing etc..). I am not sure of when or why they moved to the US. My grandmother got here teaching certificate back in the days when one needed less than a year to do so. When she met my Grandpa she was teaching in a one room school house that had grades 1 - 8. In 1928 my Grandparents were married. (and I am only 32. My Grandparents were in their late 30's when they married and had kids and so were my parents so I am very familiar with parents who wait till later in life to have kids.). Several years after they were married and my aunt and father were born. (along with a still born uncle, who according to some stories died because the doctore was drunk during the delivery, but I dont' know how true that is.). Fast forward. My mom had to drop out of school after the 8th grade. (only one or two kids in the family ever made it thru high school). To work and has been on her own since she was 16 supporting herself. My Dad just missed going to Korea on technicallity, that was lifted and resulted in his being drafted shortly afterwards. Move ahead from the 50's into the 60's. My mom is working as CNA in Williston ND. *only they were just called nurses aides in those days.). My Dad and some buddies were going to a dance in the same town, where who but my future mom happens to be. WE all know what happens in Feburary of 1968 they are married and in August of 1969 alongs comes the little Cranky One. (which according to my math means I was concieved somewhere close to Christmas lol). At the time my Mom was 36 or 37 and my dad was 38 or 39. They lived in my Grandparents house, as my grandparents had long since retired and bought a house in Williston. (there are many details missing from this story but I dont want to write 100 pages). So I grew up in the same house my Dad did. Which was both a blessing and a curse. I say this because looking back I can see where that was one of the issues of my moms. Everything was my grandmothers. except for the dishes, personal items and some gifts. In 1973 along comes my brother. His was not a normal birth. He was born early. He had jaundice and was in an incubator for at least 2 weeks. (my memory is obviously foggy here, being under 4 at the time.). He also turned out to be allergic to seeminly everything under the son. Later it was discovered that he also had learing disabilites and is in the category of that gray area between retarded and Normal. The reason I mention this is because this is where my childhood changed and a large part of who I am today goes back to this. My brother was an extremely high ma tience baby who requiered a lot of attention. My parents where farmers which meant tons of work and everyone had to help. There were fields to be taken care of, machinery to maintain, chickens to feed, eggs to gather, cows to milk and well you get the picture. My dad had to work sun to sun and beyond just to keep even. With all the problems of my brother, my mom did not have the time energy or patience to cope with a sad, jealous beweildered, independent, angry rebellious child, who according to her was born with an oppinion on everything. I seemed have gone from golden child status as the only child of the only son who lived near his parents and saw them regularly and took care of them. (translation; I was spoiled rotten and everybodys favorite) to overnight my favorite person in the world was gone, everyone was upset and crazy as about this time my grandmother also lost her sight to untreated glacoma and was beginning the desent into senilty.). Adn then this scraming mess came and took my parents away. Suddenly no one had time for me, or could play with me. When I woud act up or get out of hand my mom resorted to physical punishment. (she grew up in a household of spare the rod spoil the child in a literal misenterpretation. Or if she was really at the end of her rope and I was too much for her, she would do her favorite from of coping. Drag me to my room rather I went willingly or not and lock me in my room. Sometimes for a little while sometimes for what seemed like hours. I was too young to have a real track of time, but it was long enough that I developed imaginary play mates based on cartoon characters. I am not sure when this stopped, probably when I got as strong as my mom, or when my brother grew up a bit more and was not quite so much to deal with. I spent so much time to my self that to this day I will talk to myself, often to my own embarassment as I forget there are others out there. My mom wasn't abusing me out of evil or spite. She was doing the best she could with what she had learned. She just couldn't cope. And later I turned in to anything but the daughter she wanted. My mom held the Catholic church dear. I questioned much of what the church teaches. My mom was very traditional. I wanted something else, something more. (yet given my previous rants on the state of motherhood, its amazing how we change when we ourselves become parents). She was a old fashioned liking old country and old tyme dance music. (think Hank Williams Sr. Lawernce Welk, and Six Fat Duchmen (I could polka by the time I was 3). I preferred Rock, real rock. I liked fast motorcylcles, snowmobiles sci fi, science and math (when I got to high school). My mom had to quit school in the 8th grade to support the family and I think feels very self conscious about it and her intelligence, something I inherited despite my education. She had no understanding of why I liked to read so much or watch Sci Fi (as she called it, that wierd stuff). OR would drive so fast I could risk getting killed. My Dad was far from perfect, but I know he loved me. He would always make time for us. He used to carry me around all the time till I got too heavy. But sometimes I think he too didnt know what to make of me. Though he understood a little more and was more liberal with a people are who they are attitude. Which was quite a contrast how ever to the fact that he also held on to soem old sexist views, such as the man was king of the castle and so forth. Something else I also rebelled heavily against. Move ahead a few years I graduated High school in 1987, and went on to go to college for four years only to not graduate. something I really dont want to go into here and now. Esp because it is very complicated and also involves some issues which may be offensive to some people. what and to who I wont say. I then moved to Fargo where I started working for Easter Seals. Later I got another job and another I worked three jobs off and on for awhile. Then my then best friend and now ex rommie and I got into it. in the end I said some very nasty things I should nt have (she was the victime of abuse and incest) and she accused me of wanting her boyfriend who 1. was ugly as heck to me, and 2. I had met once and said an entire three words to. um yeah what ever. so she moved out. I took to my bed with depression for about a week., (there is more to it, but I own't go into that. as I have resolved those issues on my own and know what I am now.). jump ahead a few months and I am walking home from work with a couple of beers (something I normally hate) from a celebatory party at work, and who happens to be fixing a junky car in the parking lot, but , yep you guessed it, Mike the idiot ex abuser and father of my darling son.. He comes over and starts talking to me and introduces himself. my first reactiion WTF?? keep away ick.. The next day I am comming back from Target or WAlly world or something and he is in the lobby. I let him come up to my apt. Later I ask him to a picnic or soemthing. we go driving around. make out a bit and so one. That night he comes to my apt. and things start to get kinda carried away. I say no, and he says then fine he will just go **** or have to find a girl who will. (*Red flag number one boom). The next night we have sex for he first time. (I dont' use the words make love as I have later learned love had nothing to do with it.). I fall and fall hard. Ithink he loves and cares for me. I become a bit obbsesive and border on stalking. This is starting in July. By Sept the Rabbit is dead. (that means pregnant for the younger ones who may not know, as rabbits were once used for pregnancy tests). Mike is not happy and at first suggests and abortion. something I won't even consider. You can take the girl out of the Church, but somethings remain.. Things re Rocky. Februrarry I lose my job. March Mike gets kicked out of his place and moves in with me. Doesnt even bother to ask , jsut sorta moves in. Things are so so for while. June 20th. My precious baby boy is born. Things appear to be well but soon go down hill. Mike works off and on. I am on welfare to put food on the table. He is smoking pot and who knows what else I am not aware of.

I am staying home because I dont' trust anyone else to take care of Warren. by May of next year Mike is semi steadily emplyoyed. On a lark I apply for a job at Cashwise. totally by suprise I get it. and they have to notify me by mail as we dont' have a phone because weh coudn't pay the bill. I work nights Mike works days. things are not too bad. Mike gets a couple DUI's and fleeing cops. He winds up doing some time. Of course to him this is my fault and the cops and the judge and his bad lawyer. I was fighting with him and he was trying to get a way from me. Yeah right what ever. Things go down hill. among events that stick out in my mind. Getting decked in the face hard enough to injure my jaw, becasue I had hot chocolate. Having my hair pulled, being called every dirty name in the book at 3 am when he comes home hopped up on whatever. Things esc. At the end of my rope after one last incidnet I finally call Rape and abuse and the YWCA and after work the cops meet us there and Warren and I (he was 3 or so) take what we can get in 15 minutes and move in to a womans shelter. I am there for two weeks before I find an apt. I move out. Ihave custody and full control over Mikes vistiation, I have a OFP pending. He makes all sorta promises and I am weak. We try again. There is a honeymoon period for a while then it escalates again. My Father passes away of a heartache (this was right before the YWCA and my moving out.) Mike passes ou that night and almot kills when I try to leave for the funeral. He inssists on driving us, and wont' let me drive to the train station. I am in a complete panic. we get the station with seconds to spare. Ihave bruises all over my arms and Ithink my neck. I later use part of the inheritance to go back to school, and buy a house. I manage to do all this an work also. I am basically acitng almost like a single mother. Things start to get really ugly and eventually I say enought get an OFP, have the cops haul his arse out and havnen't had anything to do with hin since. My son has become a holy terror and is impossible at school. I am so stressed out I can barely function. I am dealing with so many issues. Shortly after this Warrens behavior became so bad, we had to have him hospitalized. This is when I all but had a nervous breakdown. It is also why I am now so proud of how far we have all came that I just gush at him now. He is doing so wonderful. I am coping. I finally got name for my mood swings and my other problems. I am bi polar or manic depressive. specifially I am bipolar II. Meaning I dont hve the rapid cycling that some do, nor do I have quite the out of control mania that can accompy MD. I do have the highs though where I can be a hyper hamster on speed. I also have days were If I getout of bed and take a shower I have used all the energy I have. I don't always keep in contact wth friends etc. becauese for me often getting thru the daily tasks of living takes all I have.

Well this is quite longer than I wanted it to be. My life ws not always been the greatest, but it has been better than alot of peoples. My parents had a lot of problems, but they were basically good people who did love their kids. And I get on much better with my mom as an adult. Esp since I now have a kdi of my own. I understand so much better.

till later .

TTFN

The Cranky One

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Mini-Bio

In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.

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