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Insane Ramblings of a Warped Mind

2001-07-07 @ 1:14 a.m.
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So much for daily updating. I just don't seem to have the time anymore. I have so many things going on right now, I am not sure which direction I am going in... I dont' even know where to start.

I am really worried about one of my online friends. Apparently she was near suicide or so I've heard. and she is only talking to one of our *now former member* group. I dont' get it. I tried several times to contact her, and she never responded. Several of us have and yet she only seems to want to talk to Krystina... and then I hear *admittedly second hand* that she feels we have abandoned her.. I just dont understand it.. I mean I realize that bi polar cycles can really mess with how one see's things, but that still hurt. I am planning to send her a card anyway.. She was there for me in the past when the shit hit the fan with the former albatross who calls himself Mike. So I owe her this much.. I just hope it all works out in the end.. and then another member is also feeling suicidal, though I am not sure why, she is just in a major low depression right now. something else I can totally relate to. I just hope she is able to hang on. She is only 18 and has a lot to live for yet even if it doesnt' seem like it at the moment..

It looks like for once the "overgrown teenager" came thru.. it s late because of the lousy system and the holiday, but at least I have a check comming on Monday or so. so I can make a dent in a couple of bills.. Hopefully the Emerg utility fund will also come thru. I am tiered of working and never having any thing to show for it.. Gate City must love me.. I probably paid for several of thier new branch offices. So it looks like pay off day next week..

I am so dreading next week though.. I have to go to court for that accident that happened back when I was on the Wellbutrin. I am hoping for mercy but I will be so glad when it is over. Pray for me.. Personally I think they are getting way to serious over this... but that's another story.

I am just so bummed right now.. My house looks like it was picked up and shook.. the litter box is well over due for changing and I really really need to sort thru all the crap in the living room I can barely find anything and there is hardly any room to sit on the couch.. I need to get three large boxes... Garbage, possible garbage I can't yet part with, and definately need to keep and maybe a fourth, give away to soem one else.. I keep planning, but somehow I never get anything done. I over slept for work today because I just couldn't motivate my ass out of bed, so I was half hour late. pay back to Wes for Saturday if you ask me.. LOL. I could barely keep my eyes focused and had to really work to keep from being a totaly bitch.. I am just so lazy draggy and bitchy lately.. I got home and just collapsed on the floor and fell alseep for nearly two hours.. It was too darn hot to cook tonight so I took Warren to McD's for supper and then we went to Walgreens for a card for Kim.. Of course being tired himself he had a slight breakdown because I wouldn't buy him some balloons.. it didn't help that he had drank some of my Mt.Dew so he was tired and wired at the same time.. a very lethal combo.. Now I am still tired and draggy and cranky.. very very cranky.. but I can't sleep.. it is cool outside, but hot and sticky in here..

The 4th started out as a ick day, but it actaully turned out to be pretty good. I caved in and bought Warren some fireworks, then we went to the Dike and went for a walk for while, till we were exploring in the trees adn came on what appeared to possible be a homeless camp and I kinda freaked. I tried to explain to Warren, but thats not an easy subject to discuss with an 8 year old. after that we drove around abit then went to MSU and caught the end of the 4th celebratiion. Warren had a blast checking out the tractors adn trucks etc... then we went to Pizza hut.. (twisted crust pizza is good, but I am pizzad out for quite awhile between Warren and work I don't need pizza for a good month..). then we went to the West Fargo Fairgrounds and set off our fireworks and watched others who spent a lot more than we did set off thiers. It is a kind of mini community thing.. Really quite fun.. a bunch of strangers who just sort of gather with out a plan and celebrate the 4th.. it was late when we got home and Warren was tired the next morning,but all in all it was a good day..

I just heard from one of my list mates (a lone rooster in our hen house actually), apparently Kim is doing okay now. so I feel a little better but I am still concerned. I was right, there are other issues going on, which explain why she is acting a little out of character. something I can understand. Stress does nasty things to people. I think some of the members of our list are acting way out of line.. One member is concerned adn maybe didnt' express it the best way, and she gets jumped because others take it as a personal insult instead of just a statement. Particualry one member who I really have issues with, her whole attitude jsut irks me for some reason but I dont' want to start anything so I just keep my mouth shut.

Another thing that is really torking me is this whole right wing vs. Pagen (ie Wiccan) battle that is going on here in Fargo.. I wish Martin W and his crew would just grow up.. The wiccan gathering was for a group of like minded people who wanted to celebrate thier common belief. unlike the Bible thumpers who suddenly had thier gathering soley as a means to combat thier own fear. they were the ones out to recurit new members, because they feel that anyone who doesn't share thier beliefs is evil and devilsish.. Well I hate to tell them this *and I am a christian* but when the final curtin comes it won't be Martin or any other closed minded blind followers passing final judgement, so I wish they would just sweep thier own door step. NOt all of us who belive in God and Jesus see it as our goal to forcibly convert the non believers.. the best way to share ones religion is by setting an example and being open to quesions while respecting others beliefs. Throwning tracts in peoples faces adn tellingthem how evil they are will only further drive them away. This is one reason why cults remain popular, people will go to them because they offer acceptance, *it comes with a price* but people want to feel accepted and valued, not condemed and judged.. Yet another reason I believe religion needs to be a private issue.. Freedom of religion has to apply to ALL religions not just the one we choose to follow.. We all feel strongly about our beliefs and take comfort in them. but I dont think any of us are qualified to determine a one true* that is why it is called faith.. If there were concrete facts and proof it wouldnt even be an issue would it. okay time to get of the pulpit.. and look for rotten tomatos..

its way too late. later HoJo the cranky one

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~*~Have you read these~*~

~ Ode to a child who is no more ~
~ She's baaack ~
~ testing ~
~ Facebook me ~
~ Bleech ~

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Mini-Bio

In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.

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