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Sure Could Use a Little Good News

19.09.01 @ 22:50
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Lately I keep hearing the same song in my head, over and over. "....Sure could use a little good News today..." Well maybe tommorrow Anne (Murray). Right now I am watching the Brady Bunch. Its a nice escape to a place where everyone alwasy lives happily ever after, and mommies and daddies love each other and the worst thing that can happen is your sister sees you smoking a cigarette. I have been watching the news off and on all evening, but when you have an 8 year old you have to be careful not too be guilty of information overload. I hate the fact that this seems to be taking away what little innocence he still has left. My kid should be worrying about spelling tests, and rather or not Justine has a crush on him, not if his country is going to go to war, or what stupid crap his father will pull next. I feel like I am 32 going on 75. I am too young to be this damn old.

Cruising the3 internet yesterday I happened upon some more bad news. A wonderful part of my childhood passed away. It was only by accident that I even found out. Mr. Dress Up, (sort of a Canadian Mr. Rogers only less anal and more fun..) known in real life as Ernie Coombs passed away yesterday. I am an American thru and thru, but as I have mentioned before I grew up in town that was a stones throw from both the Canadian and Montana borders. We didn't have a PBS station till I was in the middle grades. With the exception of Captain Kangaroo, the only kids shows I watched were the ones on the Canadian stations. We had two American stations, and one Canadian station (more if the son and atmosphere were just right). Everyday I watched Mr. Dress Up visit with Casey and Finnegan in the treehouse and play dress up or make crafts with items from the Tickle Trunk. Some how it always seemed to have exactly the item he needed for whatever game, craft or pretend he was going to do. I wanted a tickle trunck, I also wanted to live in a giant tree house. He was the first to spark my imagination and say the pretend is fun and good and a great way to explore and deal with things that are hard for a pre-schooler to cope with. I remember watching him every afternoon. Mornings were for the Friendly Giant. Then after lunch it was Mr. Dress Up and Sesame Street. One was American the other two Canadian. But I didnt care, I just knew I liked them. Then I graduated to the Electric Company and 3-2-1 Contact. Suddenly Mr. Dress Up wasnt cool anymore. But I remember. I hadn't thought about himn in years but I remember. He was the first friend I remember. He was there to play with me when my parents were too busy to deal with me. He told me that I could be a Princess, or a Policegirl, or we could take some paper glue and scissors and a few other things to make something really neat. We went to restaurants that had peanut butter sandwhiches. The places my parents would go out to never had such neat things. I will miss him dearly. Good Bye to another part of my childhood.If you want more information go to here.

Tonight I also had another conversation with Mike (also known as women if you see this man run screaming for your lives, he'll make you want to beat your head on a brick wall). It started out decent enough, which in and of itself should have been a hint. His Mom and sister are okay, all his friends are okay. (He is from Farfield CT, and lived in NYC for awhile.) One of his friends wife worked in one of the towers but she is also going to school and happened to call in that day. He is picking up Warren at after school care this Friday, like I didn't know that, we've only done it that way for a month. But he may not be able to do it everyweekend. Of course not, that would mean growing up. Then somehow we go from how well Warren is doing in school to talking about his Dr.'s and his meds and then he starts in on me adn how I am being to passive and how he wants to do this that and the other thing. (wrong approach way wrong, after almost 10 years the man still hasn't learned a thing). Then he starts in about (insert serious sarcasm here) It really tears him up and Warren doesn't want to be with me, or come home. and how I am just not doing things right. Okay time to blow some serious hissy fits here. Bull, total complete and utter bull. Warren is in lousy mood every Friday moring when it is time to go to Mikes. When he comes home is in a wonderful mood. and (more on this later). I have it straight from Warren that I am the one he wants to live with. I get the feeling that he is feeling like he has to be disloyal to one of us to be loyal to the other. He is in his young kid way trying to find some excuse to justify his dad's behavior and explain it. The only good thing Mike ever did was donate to Warrens gene pool. Wait maybe that's a little harsh. I should be thankful that Warren is lucky enough to have a Dad who does love him, and is actually make a semi effort to pay his child support. There are so many kids who fathers just disapear. And then I also think about all the little kids whos Mommies/Daddies will never come home. Then I hug Warren tighter. I just wish Mike would see that I am not going to buy his victim act. He also had the NERVE, to start in about how I have hurt him so many times and how my behavior is the reason we can never be together. Needless to say I responded to that with a quick "click". He always does that. He whines about how I hurt him and how he tried so hard, never mind all the crap he did to me, and how bad he hurt me. He doesn't want to hear that. He doesn't have time for that. Then he wonders what happened. How can any one soo smart, be soo STUPID!!

Last night Warren was so proud of the getting so more McDollars. So we took the ones he got earlier this year and the ones that he got yesterday, and he decided to take Mom out to dinner. I figured why not. He was so proud to be able to pay (well for most of it, mommy had to help a little :)). Then on the way home we were talking and he started in again. My dad is more responsible than you, he makes more than you ever will. You just don't understand him.. My dad lets me do... I lost it. I totally blew my top. I love my son more than anything on earth and I be broken in a million pieces if I ever lost him, but I will not be held hostage or manipulated that way. Finally it ended with me holding the phone and telling him if he liked it so much better at his dads I wouldn't stop him. I was shaking like a leaf, but .. First he didnt take me seriosly, but then when he saw I meant business, he grabbed me and started really sobbing.. No I don't want to live with dad, I want to live with you. *sob* I feel so horrible. But I think we have crossed to a deeper understanding. He knows I love him and will always love him, and I am beginning to understand that he is trying to find some way to justify his dad, and not have him as a bad guy. He wants both parents. He wants his Dad to act like a dad. If Dad is the better guy, than maybe it isnt' him that is bad. I try and try to reassure him, but I can only do so much. He is angry at me, and also wants me to hurt like he is hurting, but he also wants to keep me, as I am the one who is there. I am also the one whose heart is breaking in a thousand pieces.

I still need to get a box for some clothes I promised to send someone two weeks ago. We put up a flag in our window. I gave up trying to find one in the stores. The paper published one, so I took that and taped it up. Warren painted one tonight. The blue is small, the stipes are uneven and the stars are not in the correct lines. It is the most beatiful flag I have ever seen. I plan to put it up at work. My car door is working again. It has been stuck since last November when I took it to Jiffy Lube for an oil change. today I jimmied the lock a bit, adn ta da I no longer have to perform gymnastic feats to get into my car. It still like to take time to wake up and give me attitude when I try to start it. But I have been able to out stubborn her. I dread taking her in. I am petrified they will tell me my starter is going. This car is already a money pit. I still haven't mailed in my fines. I live in fear they will come for me. I also still have waking nightmares when I drive past the tall buildings on the way to work. (well okay not that tall around here 8 stories is huge, but I digress.. thats just Fargo.. plenty of room to build out... no need to build up..) I see planes crash then remember... I think of my cousin in the AF, who was over seas and just came home last week and got called back to the AFB, the next day. I think of what technologies the world is capeable of and I get really scared. I don't know what the answers are, put so far I dont really like any of the choices. No matter what we decide more innocent people are going to be killed. One death is one too many.

My boss is on vacation, he and his fiance are finally getting married. What a thing to have tied to your anniversary..

I am hungry again for some strange reason. I think I am going to post this, so I can go stuff my face. *sigh* Some people clean when they are depressed. I eat. If things get any worse they will need a fork lift to get me out of the house.

The Cranky One

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~*~Have you read these~*~

~ Ode to a child who is no more ~
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Mini-Bio

In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.

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