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Dark Depression

2001-06-17 @ 10:46 p.m.
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Well at least the color of my background matches my mood.. I have been extremely depressed all day.. I was going to go out to get a bday cake for Warren adn stop at Dairy Queen, but something made me check the mail box. (its Sunday, but I didn't look for the last few days, its too hard to deal with.). I looked at some of the letters from the bank. Three letters of bad news about my checking account, and one with a new cash card.. If it wasn't so depressing, I'd laugh.. Lot of good that will do me.. I owe the bank nearly 1000 bucks.. I get paid, they get it all.. I have till Wed to pay the electric bill. I am close to being 3 mos behind on the mortgage again.. Thank God I have a wonderful mother who will help me with that.. You know as much as I complain about her sometimes, she really is a wonderful person in spite of everything.. I know she loves me, she just has her own demons, same as I do. So I wonm't loose the house.. at least not now, but I have no idea how I will cover the electric bill, the cable bill the phone bill, Warren's birthday... I feel like the worst mother in the entire world.

Some times I honestly feel he would be better of with out me.. I know that's largely the depression talking but still. I see it everytime I look at him.. He has so many problems, and I feel like if he had a better family he would be doing so much better.. If I had to do it over again knowing what I know now, I think I would put him up for adoption, one of those open adoptions like Jaci did. He would have a good loving home with two loving parents instead of this total chaos with a bi polar mother and an accoholic father. Right now I wish I was dead.

On top of it all, its Father's day... a very depressing day for me.. another reminder of how much I miss my Dad.. I had such a wonderful father. He wasn't perfect, he was after all a human being, but he was a wonderful person.. he always saw something good in people, he loved his kids, he alwasy had time for me, he was always willing to help me out, and be there.. He was the only man who ever made me a priority.. When i was in the hospital with the flu and kidney infections before Warren was born, my Dad and mom were on the road to come see me the day I was admitted.. the gave me money with out my asking, cleaned up my apt, cause I was too tired and weak todo it.. and came to see me everyday..Now that's a true sign of parental devotion.. Its been almost 5 years since Dad died adn I still haven't fully accepted it.. Every now and then I see an older gentelman with a similair face and hair or a similiar build adn for a brief second I will think my Dad is back.. it one thing my brother and I have in common we both worshiped him, He was the glue that held our family together.. He always took care of Milo, and he was always there when I needed a friend or a father. As strange as it may sounds I think he still is looking after us.. I feel like he is watching over me. I talk to him almost everyday, not the way I talk to people at work, or my friends or other living people, but the way one would talk to spirit, like a guardian angel. I know there is more than this life, than this tempary insanity here on Earth, some thing better is comming.. When my turn comes my Dad will be there waiting for me, with my Grandpa, and Grandma, as well as many relatives I've never even met.. You know I've never even seen my own fathers grave.. I never went up to the casket at the funeral either.that sounds so bad, but I just couldnt'.. can't .. I dont 'know its like as long as I keep that away from me, part of my psyche can remain safely in denial..

I know things will somehow work out, but yet I feel like this attitude will get me in even worse.. I shouild take my medicine and see my doc an my therapist, but I dont'.. its all part of the same denial process..

I didn't do the dishes or anything today.. I washed a few loads of laundry, but they are all on the couch right now. I just want to cry.. another day totally wasted.. If I hadn't check the mailbox, I probably would have dug my self in deeper, but at least I would have felt better.. *sigh...

I think its time to turn in, take a shower and cry myself to sleep..

HoJo

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~*~Have you read these~*~

~ Ode to a child who is no more ~
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Mini-Bio

In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.

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