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A very dark time part 1

17.01.02 @ 16:46
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I am going to talk about something I (my son and I both) generally don't like to talk about. I think it is time I do talk about it. Its a very important event in both our lives and for future reference I want to keep some of the details clear even though in reality I would really like to forget all of them. It is also a large part of what is behind many entries such as the previous one. It is something that not even my co workers, close friends or family are aware of. How I managed to make it thru that dark period of time with out totally falling apart is still some what of a mystery to me. I think one of the few things that help hold me together over that period was a list of fellow depression sufferers I was on. They were the only people I really talked to during that whole period. Many of my SWC and other list buddies may remember when I apparently dropped off the planet for all purposes about 15 months or so ago.

It was shortly after I ended the relationship with Mike and it was related to that incident, but its roots had started much earlier. I am still not sure how much of this I really am willing an able to talk to but after reading this (and I hope she doesn't mind my linking. If she does I will gladly unlink). It brought back some memories that I feel I need to cope with. I think I am ready to start dealing with them and in the process I hope help my son. He is still somewhat bitter about the whole situation and I can't say that I totally blame him. On the one hand it did a world of good for him, but on the other hand I wish it could have been some other way. I am not sure what that way would have been but this was the hardest thing, and I do mean the hardest thing I have ever done. I think I was on auto pilot for the whole period of time. I started this diary back then and if you will look in the archives there is an almost 6 mos period between my first entry and my second entry. This is the dark period in my life from which my son and I both went into separate cocoons and emrged stronger, and forever changed.

Part of what is preventing my from talking about this is fear of what people will think of me, a fear of judgement and of pity. Another part of it is the fear of people who know me finding out. The thing is I have nothing to be ashamed of and niether does my son. Mental illness is just that and illness. It is no different than a diabetic who needs insulin and is hospitalized to stablize blood sugar levels. Often the causes of mental illness can be as much biological in nature as they are environmental. Often there may be some complex cause that is tied to both factors. It is not as simple as putting a band aid on a cut. Unfortunatly there are still too many people who think of mental illness as a character defect or a product of bad parenting. It is neither. It is not something that one can just snap out of. If it were that simple psychiatrty would be out of business. people would snap out of it if they could. It is not because of bad parenting, all though enviromental factors defintately can play an important part they are not soley too blame, many people come out of bad situations just fine.

Why am I mentioning this, well its because in Novemvber of 2000 my son's behavor was so out of control that I was forced to place him in a pediatric phychiatric hospital. (Yes, Kat the one you were talking to me about.

When I say out of control I am not talking about normal temper tantrum and behavior problems that can be handled with discipline. I am talking about a first grader who was kicking hiting, threatening to blow up the school, to take weapons (which we DIDNOT have) and hurt himself and others. He had been removed from the classroom manytimes, had hit and hurt other children, was threatening to kill himself, and indeed tried to jump from a moving car on a couple of occasions. He had physically attacked his principal and went on fits of rage that would last for over an hour. If you have ever read the Book "The Explosive Child" I can't remember the author, that describes my son very well.

He wasn't always like that. He had always been very tempermental and easily frustrated. He was born with a stubborn streak and indeed even as a baby would refuse to sleep if he wasn't either a)held or b) on his stomach. He also would get very mad if things were at all frustrating. But in first grade with all the extra demands of school, plus his father leaving (the behavior had started well before, but I think his fathers and my behavior seriously contributred to the whole situation). He was on the verge of either being expelled and or possible removed if something was not done. I had been called on severeal occasions to pick him up from Daycare or school because of his behavior being so out of control.

I was working with **** of *** and she was the one who took me into have him evaluated. Before I knew it I was being asked to commit him. He was put in the hospital that night. I had to run home with *** to get his clothes etc. He was limited in what he was allowed to have. I was able to spend some time with him before I said goodbye, but he was cliniging to me and crying like he had never cried before. I had to let go and leave even though it was the thing I wanted to do the least. How could I just leave my baby. I dont' know how I did it. He didn't sleep well that night and neither did I. I was in a fog for the next several days.

Because of the restraining order and such his father and I ended up with alternating visiting days. Which meant I only got to see my boy every other day .

I will finish this later as I have to go know. Part two soon to come .

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Mini-Bio

In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.

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