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Deep Dark Depression
*insert howling hounddog here*
Excessive Misery..

06.11.01 @ 22:07
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If it weren't for bad luck. I'd have no luck at all...Gloom despair and agony on me.. (I had a chld hood marred by the Hee Haw torture..)

Today was definately one of those days, I would have been better off staying home in bed and ignoring. I dont' get it. Nothing that unusual happened, except the cranky one , was more like the ultra bitchy one from hell. I wish somebody would tell me what normal is like, cause I just don't get it. I see everyone else going about thier happy little lives and its like nothing is going on. Then there is me, who seems to be miserable about every little thing. Lately I am so moody, I swear I practically break in to tears over Kodak commercials. I am starting to hate my job so much. I just can't stand it anymore. Its not even the job, I don't know what it is, I guess I feel like a second class citizen or something. Its like half the time I don't feel like I count. I just can't be the outgoing bsing, bootlicker they seem to want. I thought this job was about being a good tech and supplying good service, but instead like every other office its about playing politics and bowing to the current supreme commander. Fearless leader at least is a little better, but she is also sucked in to playing the game, even though she can get away with more. I will miss S* if she moves on, but I am also happy for her. This team has fallen to shit since Gladiator moved to Colorado. The only semi redeeming reason for staying would be to watch leadtech fall on his curly head. I am tired of being in my own corner, cut out of everything. Well screw them. I am an INFP, and yes most of us are cuddly little Koalas (its another personality thing, dividing people as Koala, otter (think Robin Williams life of the party types), Lion (think type A, CEO...)and Owl (Einstein, brainiac logic oriented, introvert), but what they fail to realize is Koalas may look soft cute and cuddly, but they also have very long and dangerous claws when torqued out of thier trees. Maybe its just me. I find someplace think I finally fit in, and then bam I am an insider outsider.

Maybe its just my depression dragon flaming its ugly head. I seem to take everything personally. People I thought were mad or something, were just dealing with their own maxed out crap allotment. I just know i am irritable, bitchy, moody, and if it wasn't biologically impossible I would swear I was pregnant again. Trust me that's not it. Its has been well over a year since, well.. maybe that's the problem.. *no comment*

I am even losing it with Warren. I love him to peices, but lately I am also starting to resent it. I got mad today because he treated me like a mom, hello I am the mom. oh yeah.. I just feel so tired. Get up, make breakfast, wake up Warren, nag nag... say goodbye, drop kick my ass off the couch, to get ready for work, rush out the door, go to work, try not to dig my eyes out with a grapefruit spoon, or commit homicide, leave work, pick up Warren come home make supper, do some laundry or dishes or maybe not, argue and fight, get Warren to take a bath, put Warren to bed, waste time on the computer, maybe if I feel motivated so some dishes or laundry or something, go to bed and start all over again. I feel so tired and angry. I realize its too much to expect appreciation at this age, but I am so tired of never having an adult to talk to, of being asked to do more. Mom I need this signed, mom buy this, mom can you get this, mom help me, mom I don't want to, mom mom.. mom... cook, clean, pay the bills.... You don't really need a life of your own do you. not that i would have one anyway.. My big nights out consist of going to Barnes and Noble to drown my sorrows in the sci fi / fantasy section while sipping a coke and downing a bagel.. oooh someone call the cops I might get out of hand. I love my son, I chose this life, I just need my pity party.. its my party and I'll cry if I want to..you would cry too if it happened to you..

Then I feel so guilty.. I look around at all those who are so happily married, or at least give the appearance of such, and sometiems I feel so jealous I hate them. I get tired of bieng mom , dad, cook, maid, and doormat. Yet other times I feel so happy I am not. I would love to have some one to share everything with, a soul mate, my personal Han Solo, but then I realize I would make a lousy wife. If I want to do something I do it. I don't ask permission to color my hair, or cut it, or buy a whatever. I make the money, its my hair , my ears. I do what ever .. If I want to take a class, or buy Warren a pair of shoes, or a new book, its between me and the bank. I come an go pretty much as I please, child care issues not withstanding. In return I get to do all the work, bear all the responsibilty and poor my heart out to annonymous people on the other end of a monitor.. I am still deciding who has the better deal.

My whole life is like that of a circus juggling act. I start out with a few balls and I juggle them fine so more and more keep getting added. Eventually I will be at the point where the next ball will be the final one that sends them all crashing to the ground around me. I just wonder if I will be able to pick them up, so I can start juggling agian. Its only a matter of time , before more balls come flying my way. I can't keep this up much longer. But I have to failure is not an option.

This one year anniversary really sucks. Still no Child support check, hell no mail period yesterday or today. I have no idea what gives with that. I have to do laundry or there will be no underwear for me tommorrow, and I hate wearing a swimsuit under my clothes. Maybe I need to adjust, or start taking my meds again. I am ashamed to have this house be seen. I am capable of so much better, when I am in the mood to give a damn.

Thanks to Jen and Kat for the nice words in my guestbook. I am so proud of Warren. Thanks also to Calthea for AIMing me everyday, I am sorry about your mom's friend. I am very proud of Warren. Thanks to all my other friends who read this. I am sorry I have been a lousy guest book signer. If you are on my favorites, I have been reading even if I don't leave my name. I also try to read everyone who has me listed as a favorite, though someimes its is a bit much to keep up.

Tonight I leave you with this quote I found and love. Remember: Amatuers built the ark, professionals built the Titanic. Think about it.

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Prequels ~ Sequels

Daily Dumbass:
Thankful For:
Music of the mind: :

~*~Have you read these~*~

~ Ode to a child who is no more ~
~ She's baaack ~
~ testing ~
~ Facebook me ~
~ Bleech ~

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Mini-Bio

In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.

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