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Warning signs of an abusive relationship.

18.01.02 @ 11:53
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Before I continue with part two of yesterday's entry , I decided to post something of importance to me, in answer to a question that a friend asked me a while back. Along with the PSA information I have also added my own comments as how they pertain to my situation. If you see yourself in the following please please please for the sake of yourself and any children get out, get help, get away any way you can. No relationship is worth it. Unless something is done it will always get worse, never better. A large percentage of children who grow up in such environments will repeat the situation either by getting involved with an abuser as that is how they think they should be treated, or by acting out and being an abuser because that is how they were taught to cope with anger.

10 Warning Signs of Abuse
The first step toward stopping the cycle of domestic violence is recognizing the warning signs. Below, red flags you shouldn't ignore:

One partner is consistently controlling or disparages his significant other in public. Mike would often make comments in front of others that would put me down, or insult me. He wouldn't hesitate to call me names or tell me how stupid, fat ugly I was no matter who happened to be there, even my own family. He would often talk about how I would do such stupid things, or correct me and make inferneces about how worthless I was to others.

One partner violently loses her temper, striking or breaking objects. Especially after drinking or doing other substances. Mike could be calm one minute and totally loose his tempter the next. Often the anger would be way out of proportion to the incident. Many times he would come home in the middle of the night yelling and carrying one. He would wake me up by yelling at me, breaking my things, threatening me, calling me names and throwing what amounted to a very scary adult temper tanrum. Picture a grown man doing the adult equivelant of a two year old throwing toys and yelling and having a breakdown.

One partner is extremely jealous of anyone who pays close attention to his significant otherThis one didn't apply so much, although he did get really upset at the number of times a week I would call and talk to my parents, as he barely had any contact with his family at all. Later I learned in some cases this can also be a sign, as there is often a reason for this. Otherwise he never really minded if I went out, all though I usually didn't because one of us had to be responsible and take care of Warren.

When a partner suspected of abuse is present, the spouse becomes quiet or seems afraid of making the abuser angry. Unlike most victims I would usually stand up to Mike, although sometimes he would be so out of control that it made more sense to just placate him so I could get away. I also often would walk on egg shells because I knew certain things were guaranteeed to set him off and it was only a matter of time till another fight would erupt. I didn't like fighting, but I also wasn't one to be pushed around. Two control freaks in the same relationship is a very very bad idea. Especially when one is drinking and doing who knows what else. Often I would keep quiet about things that other spouses would say something about in public, because I knew other wise Mike would have a fit. I would also often let him take over and be in charge in front of others, because I knew how he would react.

One partner stops seeing her friends and family members and becomes more and more isolated. This one remarkably never applied that much. I was never one to go out much in the first place. I was at home more because of Warren, but that would have been true anyway. The one thing he never did much was to say I couldn't see someone. Although he would often not do his part of the child care and would often not be home when I wanted/needed to be somewhere. Later I realized this was also a power trip, a "I'll show you" type behavor.

One partner often has unexplained or poorly explained injuries. Yes definately. There were times I would have big bruises or other marks and I would make so stupid excuse. I would often have bruises or marks. I had my glasses broke so many times I don't know what the people at Wal-Mart thought, or if they were suspicious and didnt' say anything. One time when Mike picked up Warren and I from a parent child class, I had a hot cocoa and Mike was totally having a fit about it for some reason. He ended up smaking me in the jaw so hard I couldnt' close my mouth propertly. It would snap and hurt. I got scared and as soon as he dropped us off and left I went to the Dr. at the Mall. Fortunately I was fine, but I remember making up some dumb excuse about a book or something. I could tell the Dr. wasn't buying it, but he didn't push the issue or do anything. There were other times too, where some one could have noticed but either thought they were wrong or just chose to ignore it. Even the police (female officers no less, and part of why I do NOT trust the WFPD), who came to our house after the nieghbors called the cops would take a look, call me aside, make me out to be the bad guy for staying, and leave doing nothing. They had to know what was happening . They made me the bad guy, when it was MY house and he was the bad person. He was hitting me and they did NOTHING!! Even when I had them make him leave he would be back and they wouldn't do a damn thing till I had a court order that forced them to do their damn jobs.

. One partner casually mentions a spouse's violent behavior but dismisses it as "not a big deal." This only happened once or twice. I would say something about Mikes temper, but it was always in a joking matter, or in a matter of fact way, like I was talking about his addiction to football or something. I think I was trying to justify it or something. Even now I am just beginning to realize how bad it really was. Maybe I was just putting up a defense mechanism or something.

One partner often cancels plans at the last minute. Only when Mike would stay out too late and "forget", or would be too drunk to go.

One partner is excessively controlling, from directing when and if money will be spent to deciding when and if the couple will socialize. Mike tried, but since I was the one working and bringing in the money, he felt it was my place to support him. Since I had the job the check was in my name and so were all the bills. But he would take checks from me with out asking, or take money from me. He would always have some justification for this, yet if I dared do the same all hell would break loose. IF I wouldn't give him money then he would start calling me names and getting very very agitated, especially if he needed a drink or somthing.

The couple's children seem to be frequently upset or quiet and withdrawn, and they won't say why. In my case the opposite. Warren would be quiet and depressed sometimes, but like many boys who watch thier fathers act violently he started acting out also. He would fly into uncontrollable rages and the smallest frustration would send him over the edge. He was kicked off the bus for starting fights with 5th and 6th graders, hurt other kids, kicked his teacher, called his principal names that I won't repeat and was generally a very very angry and out of control child. If I had not taken a stand and stopped things he would have been in very serious trouble by adolescance. With out intervention he most likely would have ended up either in reform school, and institution as a teenager. (possibly on the streets, though I would have fought like hell to prevent this ). Where he will end up now, I dont' know, but his behavior has improved by 1000%, and he is back to being the loving sweet little boy I always knew I had. He is learning and developing productive acceptable ways to cope. He knows his home is safe now, but he stil has much anger and other emotions over the whole situation. What effect those early years will have on the rest of his life I will never know. But I will live the rest of my life with the guilt of knowing I could have done something much sooner and spared us both a lot of grief.

I should also point out that abusive relationships are not limited to men hurting women. There are also femalea abusers and it also happens in the gay community as well, not just among straight people.

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Mini-Bio

In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.

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