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Sick Sad World..

23.10.01 @ 21:52
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Today started out as a good day, but it soon went down hill, way down hill. I got a call from Tami at my son's day care. Apparently Warren had a breakdown, that resulted in a teacher actually getting hurt. I have another doctor appointment for him tommorrow am, it is the soonest I could get him in, since it isnt' an emergency emergency. He had calmed down considerably by the time I was there. He needed his private chill out space. He still wont' talk about his responsibility in the whole mess. I know a large part of his biggest complaint is that he is the oldest child there, and he doesn't like being with all the littler kids. The only other school aged kid is a first grader and only 6 I think. But he doesnt' mind playing with the littler ones and Warren does. I am looking into other places more for older kids, but they are so much more expensive. This place is handy and it is only 35 bucks a week. They are a good place, but... The YMCA has an afterschool program but they are soo expensive. I am not sure what to do. Warren is still getting excellent notes at school. I am not sure if he is just holding on to it all during school and releasing in daycare, or if it is the center, or if part of it is because of his Dad who has some very different ideas than I do, and often doesnt' follow thru with Warrens meds. I am feeling rather stressed at the moment. The call volumes at work picked this week to hit the roof, so they aren't thrilled with my being late, and with all the politics unstated on our little team, well this isn't the way to score points. I am one who prefers to keep my private life out of the work place. That is why it is called a private life, unfortunately it doesn't seem to be working that way. So what else is new??

I know a large part of the reason for why Warren is acting this way comes from watching how his dad acts, and how he's treated me. I think it confuses him. He wants to love his dad, and tries to find some reason to justify his actions, yet part of hin also knows its wrong, and he loves me also, which leaves him feeling torn. No matter what he feels disloyal to somebody. It has taken a year of his father being out of our house to get us this far. I don't want to do it, because it would mean the battle of my life, and I am not sure if it is something Warren would ever understand even when he gets older, but part of me is considering cutting his father out of the picture totally. Its confusing. His dad can be great sometimes, in his normal periods. I know he loves Warren, and the last few months he has been comming thru with the childsupport, mainly because the state takes it out ofhis check and he has to work to pay his way, now that he doesn't have me to support him anymore. But his father is still trying to use what ever means he can to manipulate me, from telling Warren how I am making it impossible for him to get out of debt and how I am wasting his money, and am just greedy, to other things like saying I am not stable. (um yeah, I'll match him on that one any day and walk away after making a puddle of goo out of him). I am worried sick what will happen in a couple of weeks when the restraining order expires, and he is once again allowed to come near me. He no longer has his girlfriend. She was smart and bailed the first time he went psycho on her. (Guess I was the dumb one here. I actually though I could make it work. The honey moon periods seemed to make up for it at first, than later they were too few and far and I learned that they also were just part of the Master Plan as it were. Then I felt guilty and believed partially what he was telling me about how no one else would want me, and I shoulld be greatful and how terrible a person I was. I was convinced I needed him. Part of me was still the rebel from my childhood, and new that was bullshit, but part of me wanted to believe I could have a relationship and it could be happy. I never had any real relationships in high school I was always the "girl least likely to". The one most likely to be made fun of by the "populars". I had a boyfriend and I was still trying to prove something to the idiots I went to high shool with.

The first time I left him, the final straw was my son slapping his pre school teacher, followed by his not comming home when I had to go to work. I found emergency child care and managed to get to work, Then he came home stumbling down drunk and called me at work asking where Warren was. I wasn't about to tell him, and he started threatening me. I called Rape and abuse and they got the cops. We all met at my place, and Warren and I had 15 minutes to grab whatever we could and we moved in to the YWCA that night. We lived there for 2 weeks, while I tried to work two jobs and juggle child care one day at a time, with no car. It was the worst time of my life. It was also three months after my father passed away. After a couple weeks we found an apt. and I rec'd some of the money I inherited from my dad, as well as a tax refund. With this I was able to get a phone (prev turned off for non payment) and buy a used car (which I am still drivng). I had started the motions for a restraining order, but I dont' know if I wans't ready or wasnt' strong enough or what. But I let him talk to me, and he pulled out all the stops and I was really dumb enought to listen and take him back. Slowly but surely things started escalating back up again. I bought this house to try and get away but he came anyway and I wasn' strong enough to keep him away. It was only a matter of time before the cops were here for domestic disturbances. I have had my hair pulled, my glasses broken, a couple of stereos broken along with my clock, a tv set an a computer that wasnt' even mine. (He slammed down the cover on a school laptop while I was still using it, because he decided it was time for me to go to bed.) Other items were destroyed because he didnt' liek how I was playing them, or he was mad at me and wanted to make me do something. I remember him being mad about my house keeping and trashing the bed room and writing the word "Pig" on my lampshade. I remember car trips where I arrived there with major bruises because he thought I was looking wrong, and he was agitated becasue I was mistaken about a McDonald's being open and he was hungry. I still have nightmares about the night I had to leave for my Dad's funeral, I can't even talk about it yet. The last thing that he ever did to me, before I had the cops throw him out, (which required my going to court and getting a restraining order thru a judge, *Thank God for Rape and Abuse crisis center* who filed for me), was to come up behind me and wrap his arms around me, telling me how he easily he could kill me. He had been drinking and the way he said it, you would have thought we were making pleasant conversation about the weather. The night he ws finally servered. That was one of the worst night s of my life. The cops let Mike talk to Warren alone as he was getting his stuff to leave. I wasn't allowed upstairs until after he had left. Warren was hysterical, and I had to work the next moring and Warren had to go to school. Needless to say math and reading were the last things on his mind. It was only a month afte that he wound up in Prairie. I am amazed he handled it that well. He has seen things no child should ever have to see. Thank goodness I own the house and nothing was in his name. Mike appears to be straightening out some what, but I don't believe anything about him anymore. He thinks someday I will let him have partial custody and Warren can live there some of the time, No freaking way. Right now I think I would sell everything I own to fight that from happening. I am able to keep things together right now, but I feel like a juggler with too many balls and some one keeps throwing me more and saying faster. One wrong move and it will all fall down. I guess what got me thinking about all of this, is that one of my friends, who for reasons of confidentiality I can never mention by name is going thru a similiar thing with her father who sounds very similiar. I have never met her, but I am scared to death for her. I hope she is able to get out of there soon. People who act like that rarely change and then it is only if something major forces them to see what they have done. Usually they see themselves as the victims because they are so hurt and angry, they can't see past their own pain, they take it out on everyone around them. It is also a means of control. Mike is a very scared little boy inside a mans body. His father was also an alcholic and when he can't control others to keep his world predictable his goes psycho, but it is never his fault. It is the rest of us, becuase we are the ones who pissed him off. I am terrified of what will be in Warren's future. I wish my life were not a script from a bad soap opera. "Like sands from the hour glass....."

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Mini-Bio

In every neighborhood there is at least one house that all the neighbors gossip about. This is a diary from the woman who lives in that house. I am a single mother in her mid thirties. I live in North Dakota with my son, Warren.

I tend to be a bit of a slob, and am the opposite of a girly-girl. I am geek girl, who loves Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Buffy, Angel, action movies, science fiction, action adventure, Dr. Who, and so on and so on.

I love to write and while I don't post much fiction online anymore I would love to be a writer someday. I am also overweight, bipolar and suffer from allergy induced asthma.

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